18 January 2025 – Fancy a beer?
The next stop on our tour of Tenerife was Los Cristianos, a very popular resort in the south of the island. We haven’t been down to the south of Tenerife since 1988, and didn’t particularly enjoy it then. It was at the height of the Timeshare Boom, and there were many young English people trying to sell time shares to tourists on commission.
I got so pissed off with being approached by the grinning oiks that I ended up pretending to be a German tourist, saying
“Nein danke, ich bin ein Hamburger”
to get rid of them. Timeshares in Tenerife were a big scam run by John “Goldfinger” Palmer, an English criminal who ended up getting murdered in his own garden by Russians who wanted a share of the action.
We took a TITSA (no sniggering) from Santa Cruz to the bus stop in Los Cristanos. It doesn’t have a bus station since most people arrive in TUI or Jet2 coaches directly from the airport. Once again we hauled our wheely cases for half an hour up a hill to a big block of flats. Our place is on the 9th floor of Castle Harbour, an ugly concrete complex with a swimming pool and loungers. The grasping bastards wanted to charge two Euros to hire a recliner around the pool, which I think is very mean.
Our balcony looks out over a road and towards the island of La Gomera over the sea in the distance. A friend of mine (Roger Haynes) once rowed from there to Antigua on his own, it took him over 100 days. The flat wasn’t ready for us, so we walked down to the sea front. As expected, we passed lots of bars showing the Saturday football matches on the TV, watched by many large, bald men.
Once we got to the sea front, we choose one of the many restaurants at random and had some tapas and a beer for lunch. It was fine, but not fine dining. There is a succession of bars, restaurants and souvenir shops which face onto the promenade along side the beach. There were lots (and lots) of mobility scooters, and even some two seat scooters so that couples could trundle along together. I even saw a complete family – mum, dad and two kids – with all their gear riding together on one. So if you have “mobility issues” Los Cristianos is a good choice. I’m not sure about the rules are about drinking and driving a scooter, but I didn’t see anyone getting breathalysed by a cop driving a slightly faster mobility scooter.
I saw a “Viking Longboat” motoring along the coast. I think that Danes from the north of the island sailed down to the south but decided it wasn’t worth invading.
At the western end of Los Cristianos beach there is a ferry port with catamaran ferries going to La Gomera, and a big sea wall. Beyond the wall there is another beach called Playa de Los Vistas. That beach looked better than the first one, a bit more upmarket with more classier looking restaurants. There were several beach volleyball courts with teenagers playing a tournament refereed by adults blowing shrill whistles.
Los Cristianos doesn’t have an old town, in fact it has nothing of any architectural or cultural merit that I could find. But it does have a good beach and affordable restaurants and drinks which is brilliant for 95% of the population. I’m in the other 5% who look for more from a holiday. Talking to various friends it seems I’m also in the 2% who also don’t give a toss about Bake Off, Strictly or Traitors.
In the evening we ate somewhere which was quite good. There was a guitarist who could play some old rock songs quite well, but sadly he also played Country Music. I think the name defines who that music is for.
19 January 2025 – on the beach
The vast majority of British tourists visit the south of Tenerife, whereas the north is preferred by Germans, Dutch and Scandinavians. I thought that might have changed since our last visit in 1988, but it hasn’t. It caters for people who enjoy a Full English and a pint of lager at the same time. In fact its pretty similar to any Spoons at 10 in the morning, but with sunshine.
Since this was our last day in Tenerife, we had a lazy beach day. To be honest it was the only sort of day available. Foolishly we tried to find a nice coffee shop where we could get a fresh croissant with our Americano coffee. There are literally dozens of such cafes in Twickenham and Richmond. These establishments do not exist in Los Cristanos, which made me realise that this place was not meant for me.
LC appears to be the holiday destination of choice for the overweight and thirsty, maybe there is a connection. The promenade is a slow shuffle of people heading for there next drink or meal, or possibly heading for a tattoo parlour to get their pink bodies embroidered with the name of their football club.
We picked a pair of recliners and an umbrella on the beach and settled there for the day with our books. I’m reading Dead Lions, the second Slow Horses book, which is full of very funny Jackson Lamb lines. The book is punctuated with Lamb’s flatulence, which he uses to annoy his detractors.
Naturally I was also watching people on the beach, which is always entertaining and made me feel thin.
I did go in for a swim with my goggles on, and as I waded out I kicked a large and unmoving rock , which was painful.
“Oh gosh, I’ve kicked a flipping rock” I exclaimed as I tried to regain my balance and not look like a complete knob
During my “diving trip” I saw just one fish, which looked quite lonely swimming around the rocks. I suspect all the other fish have been fried and ended up with a plate of chips.
In the evening we met a friend of Julie’s who was also on holiday in Tenerife. They are staying in a very smart hotel for a week. I was a bit envious of the hotel, but two nights was long enough in Los Cristianos. We found a smart bar and enjoyed a drink, before Anne returned for her inclusive dinner. It was a good place so we stayed and had dinner there, I had lamb and Julie had salmon.
On the way back to the flat after dinner we passed a bar with a singer who was knocking out old 60s and 70s soul songs. We were encouraged to go in by a cheeky chappie in a funny hat, a sort of court jester. The singer was so good we went in and ordered a pair of Aperol Spritz and got into the spirit.
Julie’s face was beaming, she loved the old tunes by Stevie Wonder, Wilson Pickett, Jimmy Ruffin, Otis Redding and many others. It’s amazing how words of songs over fifty years old come back to you when you have had a cocktail.
Times Up on Ten Days in Tenerife
That was the longest holiday we have had in the Canaries, and I enjoyed it all. Pulling bags uphill was a recurring theme I could have done without, but to balance that we had many splendid views from balconies in our three different flats. I actually swam in the sea twice, which is very good for January. Most of the meals I ate were good, some were average but none were terrible.
I like the Canaries because they are sunny when the weather is horrible at home, and there is loads to do if you make an effort to do some exploring. You can even see exhibitions about moderately talented shagging Surrealist artists.
timharnesstravels 