Exploring Malta: A Tiny Island Rich in History – Part 1

Malta is the smallest member of the EU, it is a proper pocket sized country right in the middle of the Mediterranean. The entire country covers just 122 square miles with a population of about half a million people. Greater London covers 607 square miles with a population of about 8.5 million people. Malta is about the same size as the Isle of Wight, tiny but incredibly packed with history.
It’s been occupied since Neolithic times and has megalithic monuments older than the Pyramids. Because its in the middle of the Mediterranean, every man and his dog has occupied it: Phoenicians, Romans, Byzantines, Arabs, Normans, Swabians, Angevins, Neopolitans, Holy Romans, Knights of St John, The French and then us, The good old British Empire until 1964.
Everyone built something out of the beautiful limestone the island is made of. There are a huge number of megaliths, walls, castles, fortifications, batteries and massive stone keeps. All the many occupiers have left their mark on this tiny but resilient island.


If you enjoy history, like I do, the island is absolutely stuffed with it, so many historic sites rammed into a small island that also has a hot southern European climate where everyone speaks English! What’s to dislike?

In fact the state of Malta is an archipeligo of three islands, Malta, Gozo and even tinier Comino. The people of Malta speak a language which is an amalgam of archaic Arabic, Italian and English. It sounds Arabic sometimes but it also has the sing-song rhythm of Italian. It’s the only Semitic language to use the Latin Alphabet. The street and place names look Arabic, but often celebrate the names of long-dead British colonial administrators or admirals.
I really like it.

Tuesday 16 September 2025

We flew into Luqa, a former RAF airstrip but now a modern and sophisticated airport and got a taxi to our flat in Floriana. Floriana is a district just to the east of the capital Valletta which was created in the 17th century when another line of city walls was built to give more protection to Valetta.

It is also very conveniently is where the excellent bus station is, which is the best way to explore Malta. Car hire gives you more options I suppose, but the roads are quite rough in places and you can’t have a long boozy lunch can you?
To reach our flat we climbed 5 flights of stairs and 63 steps, then it was another flight between the bedroom and the kitchen. We had a tiny balcony and the sea was visible at Sliema in the distance. It didn’t have a great sea view, but it was only a 10 minutes walk into Valletta where most of the historic sites are.

Floriana


We ate at the Blazunetta restaurant our first night, which was good Italian food. My minor gripe would be that the Fish Risotto was actually a Fish Paella, but it was tasty.

Wednesday 17 September

We walked through a linear park called The Mall into Valetta, which is a tiny capital of Malta covering a very modest 0.21 of a square mile. The “city” was built by the Knights of St John as a highly fortified settlement after the Great Siege in 1565 when the Ottoman Turks tried to conquer Malta. The Turks had a good crack at besieging the Knights, but didn’t succeed and the Knights built up the castles and walls to make it a lasting bastion of Christendom against Islam.
The Grand Master of the Knights was Jean de Valette, so the new capital was called Valetta.

Valletta and the surrounding towns are built around the two harbours, Marsamxett to the north, and Grand Harbour to the south. These are what made Malta such a desirable place.

Valletta and the harbours


It’s a grid of streets with a big gate at one end (designed by Renzo Piano) and a huge castle of St Elmo at the eastern tip. In the middle is the Co Cathedral of St John, a lavish Baroque overdone church full of pictures of suffering Jesus and saints getting murdered in imaginative ways.
The exterior has a relatively plain limestone face with twin towers, the interior is like a collision between a Faberge Egg, Trump Tower and an art gallery. Lavish doesn’t do it justice, It’s also very very popular, so the experience is a slow shuffle culminating in seeing the Caravaggio painting The Beheading of St John the Baptist. I prefer a nice landscape with a few naked nymphs to a beheading, it just doesn’t work for me.

St Johns Co Cathedral

The heart of Valletta is a very busy place, like Florence, Venice or Dubrovnik, but walk a few hundred yards to the eastern tip of the peninsula and it is much much quieter.

Republic Street at night, its busy

Overlooking the sea is the enormous St Elmo’s Fort, a massive stone fortification that guards the entrance to the Grand Harbour. It was besieged by the Turks in the Great Siege 1565 for 4 months, but ultimately fell to vastly superior forces. After the Turks gave up trying to capture the main fortifications of the Knights (it’s a very long story) they gave up and went home. St Elmo’s was enclosed in another fortress which has stood for almost 500 years.
The fort is very impressive in itself, giving amazing views of the Grand Harbour. It is also home to the National War Museum which is really good. It is housed in a series of rooms dedicated to different periods of Malta’s history, from 3,000 BC to accession to the EU in 2004.
What impressed me the most, was a case holding the George Cross medal given to Malta after the long bombing campaign by Italian and German aircraft in the War. Malta suffered over 3,000 air raids by Italian and German bombers, because British ships, submarines and aircraft stationed on Malta disrupted the Axis invasion of North Africa. Eventually it was the launching place for the invasion of Sicily.

On top of the castle were these control towers for the fast firing 6 pounder guns used to shoot Stuka dive bombers out of the air.

World War 2 gun control towers on St Elmos fort


In the afternoon we took a boat trip around the Grand Harbour and all its arms that divide the urban area around Valletta into a series of peninsulas. The harbour is huge, and is the commercial heart of the city and a frequently a stopping place for the world’s biggest cruise ships. Our little tour boat followed the MSC World Europa, a floating city with almost 9,000 people aboard it. The tour was really good and helps you get a grip on the complicated geography of Valletta and the neighbouring Three Cities.

MSC World Europa


Close to where we are staying is a big open area called Independence Ground, and on it an enclosure and stage had been constructed for a concert. Who was on? Only Robbie Bloody Williams! We had finished eating some pasta on our balcony and we heard the opening chords of “Let me Entertain You”. So we dashed (carefully) down six flights of stairs and walked for 5 minutes to a square in front of Oratoju San Publju church, an area outside of the fence but where we could see the big screens and hear the band very well.
So for the next two hours we saw a free Robbie Williams concert,which was very good! My God that man has an enormous ego, and overshares on an epic scale. He didn’t really need to tell thousands of strangers about his mothers dementia, it felt like he was using his mothers illness to draw attention and sympathy to himself. But it was a fun concert.
Robbie was followed by an Italian DJ who we listened to from our balcony until 12.30, there was no chance to sleep.

The Ego Has Landed, beyond the fence

Thursday 18 September


Malta only has two good beaches, Melleiha and Golden Bay. We walked to the bus station and took a 41 bus to Melleha.
The trip took over an hour with many stops in the Valletta suburbs, passing the spectacular Mosta Dome, a neoclassical church with a huge domed roof. All the churches in Malta are huge, they are very devout Catholics. The bus went through Melleiha village and then down a winding road to the beach, where there is a good stretch of white sand covered with umbrellas. It’s very modest compared to beaches in Spain or Italy, but it’s good for Malta where most swimming spots are just rocky ledges.
The sea was warm and rough, there was quite a breeze blowing. I tried a bit of snorkeling, but there was nothing to see apart from dead sea grass. There was a cafe about 10 metres away from where we reclined reading our Kindles. As usual I got a burnt chest and shoulders, the sun always seems to find a way to get through the parasol and get me.


In the evening we met some friends in Valetta and had dinner at Ortygia in Strait Street, a very long street that was popular with the Royal Navy and was known as ‘The Gut’. Some of the streets in Valetta were decorated with flags and hangings for the Independence Day celebrations on 21st September.

Grand Tour of South Africa

Touring with Riviera Travel

  1. Touring with Riviera Travel
  2. Across the Veld to the Game Park
  3. Safari in Kruger National Park
  4. Graskop Gorge Elevator
  5. Journey to the Battlefields
  6. The Zulu war Battlefields
  7. Wet Journey to Joburg
  8. Ferry to Featherbed
  9. The Garden Route to Wine Country
  10. Franschhoek and Wine Country
  11. Capetown!
  12. A Tour of the Cape Peninsula
  13. Visiting a Township
  14. Wine Tasting in Robertson
  15. The Little Karoo
  16. Up a Mountain Then Down Again
  17. The Great Karoo
  18. Elgin and Sir Lowry’s Pass
  19. So what do I think of South Africa?

Flying to Johannesburg

Wednesday 16 April 2025

Africa is a huge, huge continent which I have never visited. All of what I know about Africa is either from the News (often grim) and nature documentaries (all beautiful). Those two lenses of experience can’t be the only ways to know about Africa. It’s fantastic that at last we have an opportunity to see it for ourselves.

A few months ago Julie got a random travel email from the Guardian. She was immediately interested in a Riviera Travel “Grand Tour of South Africa”. I had a quick look at the itinerary and thought “why not?”, we haven’t been to Africa and I want to go somewhere really different.

So we booked it, and here I am tapping away on a laptop in the Indara Hotel in Johannesburg.

We flew from Heathrow on a Virgin Atlantic Boeing 787 900 called “West End Girl”. It was only about 70% full, so I got a central row of three seats to myself, so I could Manspread as much as I like. The Boeing Dreamliner took off at 22.20, and i settled in for a ten hour flight. Dinner came round in a foil covered dish at midnight, sausage and mash. It was quite tasty with a G&T and a can of white wine. #touring-with-riviera-travel

I struggled to sleep sitting up, and there was a very whiny two year old in front of me. Her parents were very patient and exhausted. I just felt awful, like I had been to an all night party without having the fun. 

Breakfast came round at 6am, sausage, egg and some other mush I couldn’t identify. The coffee was the best part of the meal, I badly needed caffeinating.

We landed at about 08.30, and soon got through OR Tambo  Airport  quickly. It is named after Oliver Tambo, one of the founders of the ANC. They have a colourful statue of him on the approach to the airport.

Statue of OR Tambo

In the lobby we were met by Ian Dove and Lizwe from Riviera Travel . Ian is our Tour Manager from Capetown and Lizwe Ndlovu is the Local Guide from East London.

There are only twenty people in our  tour group, with an average age about the same as Julie and me. It’s likely that we will manage to at least learn their names on this tour, and possibly make friends with some.

A coach took us to the Apartheid Museum, a purpose built concrete modernist structure next to a theme park. It told the history of South Africa, and the rise and fall of the Apartheid system between 1948 and 1994. Of course the life Nelson Mandela was a major part of the exhibition, and there was a room dedicated to Archbishop Desmond Tutu. It was educational and inspirational, which is what a good museum should be.

One of the items in the museum was a Diana camera just like the one I got (and still have) when I was seven! It is a cheap plastic 120 film camera Made in Hong Kong

It also had an excellent cafe where we have more coffee and start feeling human again. After a couple of hours, we got back on the bus. We went round the motorway to the Indara Hotel. We are staying there for the night. Close to the hotel were scores of minivans. These minivans are the main form of public transport for the majority of workers. Most workers spend fifty Rand a day travelling to work and back.

The Indaba is a sprawling hotel and conference centre. It is built of whitewashed low-rise blocks with thatched roofs. This makes it very picturesque and unusual. There are lots of staff who maintain the facilities and keep the gardens looking perfect. On the small map we were given it showed a lake with a dam, so we went to investigate.

The lake has big carp in it who splashed and dived away from us when we approached the bank. The surrounding trees are alive with birds, most of which I hadn’t seen before. There were several chicken-sized birds with long curved bills. Google Lens told me they were Hadaba Ibis. They were pecking at the lawn like pigeons or geese. There was a Cormorant in the lake and Parakeets zipping overhead. The buildings all had thatched roofs and were whitewashed, it was like being in Devon.

In the evening we went to The Chiefs Boma, which is a big African food barbecue buffet. It is served in a big dining hall decorated in kitch African style. There is a huge number of hot and cold dishes to choose from. If you are feeling adventurous, you can select local meat. A chef will then cook it for you on a grill.

So in for a penny, I had Impala, Kudu, Crocodile and Boerwors. It was like eating a National Park on a plate, and all of them were good. I know its a cliche, but crocodile really does taste like chicken, very tasty actually. To make it socially acceptable I had some salad with it. Merlot goes very well with big game.

A local band played catchy music on xylophones with an excellent singer. Of course they played Wimoweh, and Debbie from Stafford who was a bit tipsy got up and danced with them.

Tomorrow (Friday) morning we are getting up at stupid-o’clock to drive on the coach to Kruger National Park.

Back to Top Menu

Across the Veld to the Game Park

Thursday 17 April 2025

Our alarm went off at five and we got our stuff together for travelling. At the breakfast buffet they had EVERYTHING, and my resistance is low. It was all typical British hotel buffet food: bacon, sausages, beans, eggs plus those very naughty fresh pastries. Its was much too tempting.

We got on the bus at 5.30 for our drive to Kruger National Park. It was a long way on moderately good roads. It was also Good Friday Bank Holiday, so the roads were busy with holiday makers getting out of Joburg. The ring road showed the contrasts of the city. We passed townships where poor black people live in tin shacks. There is 35% unemployment in South Africa, so poverty is very widespread. Not far from the poor township was Steyn City. It is an entire suburb for the wealthy, enclosed by walls and barbed wire. It resembles one of those Soviet secret cities where they created rockets and H bombs.

The journey largely took place across the High Veld. It’s a 2,000 metre plateau of rolling hills. The area is sparsely populated with clumps of trees and occasional bored looking herds of cows. Its a really dull featureless landscape like the high moors of Bodmin or some of the high Peak District.

The High Veld

The area is rich in coal seems, and we passed several mines and many many coal trucks. They a huge vehicles which tip sideways  along the long axis, and they all have a huge trailer. They are so heavy they damage the roads. The High Veld is the powerhouse of South Africa. It has 14 power stations burning coal. The renewable revolution hasn’t reached South Africa yet. I saw very few windmills or solar panels. I suppose the coal is very cheap. They don’t care about sustainability.

Coal fired power station

We stopped for lunch is Dullstrom, which is a strip of restaurants where people go for the trout fishing. It was busy with people enjoying their Bank Holiday break, particularly local farmers in big pickup trucks which they call “bakkies”

We started heading downhill towards the Low Veld after leaving Dullstrom. We moved from a desolate plateau to a more Mediterranean climate zone. The highlight of the day was a stop at the Blyde River Canyon. The coach took a side road to a small collection of souvenir shops and a restaurant. The coach parked and we walked for five minutes along a concrete path through the bush to a fence. Beyond was a precipitous drop down to the Blyde River. There was a spectacular view of a vast canyon. It is the second biggest in Africa. The walls of the canyon are clad in green, so it is quite different from the Grand Canyon. At last I felt I was in Africa! The view point is called Three Rondavels, named after three hills that look like round African huts.

From there it was only just over an hour to our next hotel next to the Kruger National Park, which is “the size of Wales”. The coach passed through huge forests of pine and eucalyptus, which looked like Germany. neither of these trees are native to South Africa, but they produce valuable fast growing timber. That was followed by plantations of citrus fruits and avocados, and finally bananas. South Africa is very productive of everything good to eat.

Our accomodation is the Hippo Hollow hotel, which overlooks the Sabie River near the town of Hazyview. We are in another “thatched cottage”, fifty yards from the river which is home to hippos and crocodiles. It’s a good job I don’t sleepwalk.

Hippo Hollow Hotel

We had a Mojito cocktail on the terrace followed by a massive buffet dinner. It was bloody marvelous  washed down with a bottle of South African Pinotage.

Safari in Kruger National Park

Friday 18 April 2025

The knock on our door was at 5.45 am, urgh. We met our companions at 6.20 and got a quick cup of coffee and picked up our “breakfast bag”. Our Megacoach (28 seats, so not so mega) took us to the Phabeni gate of Kruger National Park. There we transferred to Toyota Hilux trucks with a high back and canopy and three rows of seats. Our Ranger was Andrew, who was swaddled in an anorak and woolly hat. 

He set off at a good pace and the cool morning air whistled through the open truck. We were grateful for our layers of clothing, and some wish they had brought more. We soon started seeing wildlife as the sun started rising. Hyenas in the grass, Cape Buffalo (one the most fierce animals) grazing in a herd. Then Wildebeest, Impala, Hornbills, and then a top-notch spot. In the crotch of a tree a Leopard was sitting next to the carcass of an Impala. Leopards will catch one every five days or so. When it starts to decay, they will leave it for the Hyenas and Vultures. 

Andrew was constantly talking to other Rangers to find out where animals had been spotted. He would race ahead to find a good viewing spot. Burchell’s Zebra, Kudu, and then a herd of Elephants crossing the road. They are all females and juveniles, since adult males live on their own. Giraffes came striding through the tall grass and Baboons with their intimidating canine teeth sat by the road.

The landscape was mostly flat. The vegetation consisted of grasses a few feet tall. There were shrubs up to about eight feet and then trees. Many of the trees were bashed about by elephants. Occasionally there were small rocky hills with boulders of rounded granite, we have all seen hundreds of times on documentaries. The Ranger stopped abruptly at one small hill. He pointed out a female lion walking up the hill. It was like a scene out of the Lion King. 

We stopped for lunch at Scakuza Safari Lodge and opened up our packed lunches. The bags contained cheese sandwiches, not my favourite food, so I gave them to the Ranger Andrew.

A distant Lioness (plays in midfield)

Seeing all the animals in context is very different to seeing them in a zoo. It is much better to watch a pride of lions walking along a sandy river bed. This is more enjoyable than seeing them sleeping on a log in a cage. It’s a thrill to let a herd of Elephants cross the road and see Impala bouncing around like spring lambs.

Our drive finished at 2pm. We had spent eight hours spotting animals and birds. The Ranger kept the 4WD in third gear on dirt roads.

Back at the hotel, we relaxed on our balcony overlooking the Sabie river. We looked for Hippos, which live there, but saw none. Dinner was a carvery buffet, and I ate too much, I was a Hungry Hippo.

Graskop Gorge Elevator

Saturday 19 April 2025

A thirty minute mini-bus journey from Hippo Hollow is the Graskop Gorge. Our Riviera guide book described it as “a fifty metre ride down a lift into a gorge. It has rare indigenous forest and a walk at the bottom.” This description didn’t make me shiver with anticipation. However, we don’t have anything else booked for the day. We joined the bus at 9am.

The attraction had a big car park with several young men telling people where to park. It appears that in South Africa there are always many more people than necessary fulfilling roles. Unemployment is so bad, job creation is crucial to keep people above the poverty line.

Our genial guide Sisyfo took us into the reception and straight to the lift. All eight of us got into the lift. It took us to the base of a gorge about 70 metres across and 50 deep. On the opposite side, a spectacular waterfall cascaded into the river at the bottom. This river is part of the Blyde River canyon we visited a couple of days ago.

Graskop Elevator

Crossing the top of the gorge were two zip lines, with visitors whizzing across. A platform at the top of the opposite edge of the canyon was the starting point for the “Big Swing”. Intrepid visitors put on very secure harnesses and walked backwards to the edge of the platform. They were secured to a cable connected to the midpoint of a cable which tightly crossed the gorge. When they stepped backwards off the platform, they plunged down for a second or two. Then the cable gained tension. They swung from the centre position. When they came to a halt they were gently let down onto another platform. Some were screamers, others were stoic. They were all entertaining.

Rainforest at the bottom of the gorge

My group walked six hundred metres around the base of the gorge. We did so on a wooden boardwalk through dense, damp tropical forest. The waterfall creates a constant high humidity ideal for mosses, ferns, epiphytes and other water loving creepers and trees. I absolutely loved it, it had a proper Jurassic Park vibe.

Waterfall into Graskop Gorge

We went round twice. We enjoyed reading the many explanation boards. They tell the full story of the gorge over hundreds of millions of years.

We got the lift back to the top. Then we had a coffee. Afterward, we crossed a suspension bridge to watch the Big Swingers close up. It was great fun watching them plunge backwards into the abyss.

Back at Hippo Hollow, we had lunch. We watched people riding elephants on the other side of the Sabi River at the Elephant Sanctuary. It was a wonderful view.

In the afternoon we spent a very pleasant couple of hours by the swimming pool enjoying the afternoon sunshine reading out Kindles

Our room overlooks the hotel  lawns and Sabi River. So I could see Habana Ibis feeding on the lawn and hear the very nearby main road. It sounded like the A316 back home in Twickenham.

This is an awesome place, I feel very privileged to stay with so much natural beauty.

Journey to the Battlefields

Sunday 20 April 2025

We woke up early again. We left Hippo Hollow Hotel at 8am. Our destination was the battlefield of the Zulu wars in the 1870s. To be honest, I wasn’t excited about the eight-hour journey. However, visiting the battlefield is part of the tour.

Johannesburg to Hazyview (near Mbombela)

The initial part of the journey was very enjoyable through Hazyview, to White River and then Mbombela. The countryside was forest clad mountains and lush river valleys with plantations of bananas, avocado and macadamia nuts. There were miles and miles of pine and eucalyptus forests. Each tree stood no more than a couple of metres from its neighbour. Our guide yesterday said only baboons live in the forests, no other animals.

Forestry near White River

Those towns looked prosperous with many shopping malls and fast food outlets, almost looking like the USA. Shopping malls can be made secure with walls and fences, and heavy security. The contrast between the prosperous white towns and the black townships is quite stark and worrying.

Then we started getting higher and higher towards to High Veld that we had passed through on Friday. The forest was replaced with open dry  grassland with occasional clumps of trees. After two hours of driving we stopped at Millys, a service station that was very busy with Bank Holiday travellers. After a quick coffee we pressed on through the undulating grassland, which reminded me of the American Prairie. It didn’t appear to be very productive. There were a few farms and herds of cattle. Most of it was empty of anything apart from grass. There were scattered trees, but few birds and no other wildlife.

The High Veld

The poor black people live in small houses provided by the government: two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and toilet. The better ones are made of cement blocks, others are simply corrugated iron. Occasionally I see one or two people walking down the highway, perhaps they have no other means of getting around.

The next town was a crossroads settlement called Ermalo, and then to Volkrust for lunch at a petrol station with a cluster of fast food places and decent toilets. It’s a bit rough compared to Milly’s, but served a purpose. 

Not far from Volksrust we drove through the Laings Nek Pass, which is 1,680 metres (5511 fet) high, the highest point on the road between Pretoria and Durban. After it was much more High Veld with distant power stations and many huge coal trucks. In the days of sanctions against South Africa, coal was used to make liquid fuels to keep the economy running.

We drove through the small town of Dundee, then soon arrived at the Battlefields Lodge. It is on its own in the countryside and is a collection of accommodation blocks and a restaurant. Its more down market than previous hotels, but will be fine for a couple of nights.

Dinner was beef curry, simple but tasty.

Battlefields Lodge

The Zulu war Battlefields

Monday 21 April 2025

It was a misty overcast morning as we drove to Isandlwana, it is autumn here and the weather is changeable. We travelled an another older coach driven by Achmed, who is experienced is the very rough roads in Zululand. The road was long and straight. Villages of small square and round houses were spread out. They appear to be very poor. School children walked along the road wearing smart English-style school uniforms.

The last seven kilometres was dirt roads, with plenty of potholes. The landscape is boulder covered hills and flat bottomed valleys with many small streams wandering across. Cattle and sheep wandered slowly across the road, and Achmed carefully drove around them.

At Isandlwana, we were met by a local guide. He has a Zulu name, but he is happy to be called Dalton. He led us to some rows of folding chairs set out on the grass. They were in front of the hill where the battle took place. He told us all about it in an animated fashion. He was a coronet of cattle hide and had a stick that substituted for a rifle and a spear.

Dalton told us the story of the great battle on 22 January 1879. A badly prepared British army attempted to invade Zululand. They were wiped out by a very well trained Zulu army.

 A Zulu force of some 20,000 warriors wiped out an opposing force consisting of about 1,800 British, colonial and native troops with approximately 350 civilians. The Zulus were equipped mainly with the traditional assegai iron spears. They also used cow-hide shields. Additionally, they had some muskets and antiquated rifles. The Zulus had a vast disadvantage in weapons technology. They greatly outnumbered the British. Ultimately, they overwhelmed them, killing over 1,300 troops. It was one of the worst defeats of the British army by natives using their own weapons.

Dalton our Zulu Battlefield Guide

The site there are several memorials to the dead, but no buildings. There is a small museum (where we had a loo stop) which is a couple of miles away.

Then it was back on the bus to go to Rorkes Drift. Dalton explained that Zululand is now part of KwaZuluNatal. There is still a Zulu King Misuzulu Sinqobile kaZwelithini who rules through three hundred chiefs. By the way, the word Zulu means “heaven” in their own language.

Next we went to Rorkes Drift, a much less picturesque site. It was originally a trading post set up by an Irishman called Rorke. Drift is the Afrikaans word for a ford. It refers to the Buffalo River, which was the border between Zululand and Natal. The original buildings don’t exist. But there is a museum and Swedish Lutheran Church built by Oscar Witt who features in the film Zulu and was played by Jack Hawkins.

Dalton gave us an animated talk once again using his stick to shoot Zulus and stab Redcoats. It started raining so he started his talk under a tree and finished it in the church.

The Zulus that fought at Rorkes Drift were regiments who left Isandlwana after the battle and had not had the opportunity to “wet their spears”. They were lead by the Kings half brother Prince Dabulamanzi who disobeyed his king by taking his warriors into Natal. 

There were 3000-4000 Zulu warriors fighting 150 British troops. This time the British were better prepared and were able to build a wall of mealie (maise flour) sacks and biscuit boxes which they could fight behind.

The battle lasted 12 hours, 351 Zulus had died and 17 British soldiers. Dabulamanzi withdrew because of the number of dead and wounded and his warrior had not eaten properly for two days.

The museum was great and had splendid mannequins of John Chard and Gonville Bromhead, memorably played by Stanley Baker and Michael Caine in the film Zulu. They both were awarded the Victoria Cross, eleven were awarded at the Battle of Rorkes Drift.

Michael Caine and Stanley Baker – the resemblance is remarkable

The road back to Dundee (where our hotel is) was notably rough and more suited to a Landrover than a coach. We had lunch at the restaurant of the Talana museum and a quick look around afterwards. It’s a lovely museum about all sorts of local history, including a big section on coal mining and the Zulu and Boer wars

Below are the places I visited in the north of South Africa

Wet Journey to Joburg

Tuesday 22 April 2025

Last night there was a thunderstorm. It was not for long, but it put the power out for a while. We had to use our phone torches until the generator kicked in. It started raining at 7pm on Tuesday and rained all night and most of the way to Johannesburg. It was a four and a half hour drive through pouring rain and very boring countryside. It was high veld over 6,000 feet up and it looked like the Highlands of Scotland without the mountains. There are vast tracts of yellowy green grass and long straight roads. The thermometer on the coach showed eleven degrees outside.

Inevitable there are many big coal truck wrecking the road surface. The small towns are unattractive conglomerations of small houses with central strips of McDonald’s, KFC and other fast-food places. The more prosperous towns (with white people) have malls in big sheds and security. Many of the vehicles are “bakkies”, white pickup trucks often with men in the back going to work.

Roadside stall selling fruit

It’s good to see all sides of this huge country. You can see the wealthy living in fortified estates. The poor live in corrugated iron or cement block homes.

We passed from KwaZulu Natal into the Free State, formerly the Orange Free State. We started to see more maize growing. There were huge silos in the small agricultural towns. Closer to Joburg we crossed the Vaal River and stopped at a service station just off the motorway. It was almost exactly the same as a service station in the UK, and everywhere takes cashless payments. But everywhere it takes a long time to get served, fast food it ain’t.

Back at OR Tambo Airport in Joburg we had a baguette and croissant for lunch and then caught the 14.30 flight on Cemair to George in the Western Cape. The plane was a Bombadier CRJ100, a fifty seat plane with a very peculiar smell…

But I can’t complain since we got a sandwich, a bag of crisps, a tiny chocolate bar, a Lindt chocolate and two glasses of wine. So we consumed UPF most of the flight, unhealthy but fun.

At George airport we very rapidly got our bags and got another coach (identical to the last Magabus) to our hotel in Knysna. Our new driver took The Garden Route , which is a scenic 124 miles road from Mossel Bay to Storms River. There is a string of pretty resort towns and a really good road between them. The towns are where South Africans go to retire. It’s like the English south coast but with better weather. It’s without the crappy parts of Eastbourne and Hastings.

Some of the route is reminiscent of Devon, it’s very green and woody and there are numerous lakes. The town of George where we landed was originally a timber industry town with many woodcutters.

Knysna (pronounced nice neh) is a resort town in the Western Cape. The Southern part of South Africa is divided into two provinces , Western Cape and Eastern Cape. Between the Cape provinces and Johannesburg is a huge desert called The Great Karoo.

We are staying in the Protea Hotel. The Protea is the national flower of South Africa. It is part of a waterfront development of shops and restaurants. This area is similar to places I have been to in the Canaries. It’s a lovely hotel, several levels of comfort above the Battlefields Lodge.

In the evening we all had dinner together at a restaurant called the Drydock. There was a big party of teenagers in, so the volume was about the same as a Saturn 5 rocket taking off.

Ferry to Featherbed

Wednesday 23 April 2025

We were allowed a lie-in this morning, our day trip today doesn’t start until 9.30. But unfortunately Julie had a bad nights sleep and feels terrible this morning. She might have the bug thats been going round, two people on the tour have been sick already. So Julie stayed in bed and I had breakfast without her.

Our group walked a short distance down to the quay to get onto the Spirit of Knysna ferry to take us to the Featherbed Nature Reserve. Close to the hotel is the disused Knysna railway station which has been shut since 2006 when a flood washed the line away and there isn’t enough money to rebuild it. The railway gauge in South Africa is 3 foot 6 inches rather than the standard gauge of 4 feet 8 and a half inches. Narrow gauge railways are cheaper to build and can go round tighter bends, which is useful in the mountains.

Knysna is built on a broad tidal that is called the Lagoon. It is like a big lake which opens onto the Indian Ocean through a gap called The Heads. At one time the town was a commercial port, but not since the 50’s. Timber from the huge forest was shipped out from here. But it is a big centre for yachting, with the third oldest yacht club in South Africa. 

The Spirit of Knysna on the right

It is a prosperous coastal town which reminded me of Salcombe, with steep slopes going down to the sea and huge expensive houses. There are two islands in the lagoon called Thesen Island and Leisure Island  which have been subdivided into housing plots for wealthy holiday makers.

In 2017 a forest fire was started by lightning which destroyed five hundred homes and huge numbers of trees and fynbos vegetation. Much of the fynbos has grown back, but the trees are just skeletons.

The boat tied up at the Reserve’s jetty and we disembarked. The Reserve is the tip of a peninsula on the western Head of the outlet of the Lagoon into the Indian Ocean. To take us to a viewpoint at the top of the Reserve we climbed onto two trailers towed behind an enormous Mercedes lorry, which had rows of bench seats in the back. The lorry and two trailers trundled up a concrete road at walking pace. 

On the trailer behind the Mercedes truck

At the top we had a fantastic view of rugged orangey brown cliffs overlooking the Ocean. We descended from there down a rough path with simple steps and some rustic handrails. We had been given broom handles to use as walking sticks, and they were very useful. Halfway along we took a steeper staircase to see a sea cave where stone tools had been found from very early hunters tens of thousands of years ago.

Thats me, that is

Close to the waters edge there was a level path  and board walk which lead back to a restaurant near the jetty where we had an excellent buffet lunch.I have never eaten so many buffets in my entire life! I had salad with some fish and chicken with a bottle of water, very healthy.

Boardwalk back to the restaurant

At 13.30 we took the boat back across the Lagoon. Julie had just woken up and was still not feeling great. In the evening we went back to the Dry Dock restaurant. I had calamari followed by sirloin steak, Julie just had soup.

The Garden Route to Wine Country

Thursday 24 April

The phone buzzed at 06.00 to wake us up, and at 07.30 we were back on the bus again and driving west down the Garden Route. Our new driver is Tertius, who is very good. The road is a sweeping motorway through green fields and woodlands, it deserves its name. The start of the Garden Route is Mossel Bay, which is both a resort and home to an enormous chemical plant that turns natural gas into liquid fuels. In the time of sanctions against South Africa, they needed to make all their fuel from coal.

The Cape was originally occupied by native Khoi people (better known to Europeans as Bushmen), then the Portuguese then the Dutch. The Dutch brought slaves from Indonesia, who were known as Malays. The Malay mixed with the native people became the Cape Coloured population who live there now.

We stopped for a “comfort break” at a place where they sell Aloe Ferox products, hand cream ‘n shit. I had a lousy cup of coffee, I won’t be going there again!

Giant Glass Fibre Aloe Ferox plant

The landscape changed to rolling open enormous fields of rape and wheat, which looked a bit like Wiltshire. There is a huge variety of landscapes in South Africa, it is a very big country.

The road turned south towards the Atlantic and the resort town of Hermanus on Walker Bay. The coach stopped by the seafront, and it was very quiet. In the middle of the road sat a small rabbit sized creature, a Rock Hyrax. It looks like a rodent, but it’s nearest relative is the Elephant.

Hi, I’m a Hyrax!

In the tourist season it is incredibly busy, people visit for whale watching. The town centre is fairly small, but the suburbs go on for miles on the American pattern, with massive shopping malls.

Hermanus seafront

All the houses have high walls with electric fences on top, I would not like to live in fear all the time.

From Hermanus we drove north towards Franschhoek (French Corner) and the wine country. To get there Tertius drove us through the Franschhoek Pass along a steep and windy mountain road. The mountain passes in South Africa are quite spectacular, and I was very pleased not to be driving the coach!

The town was founded by French Huguenots who were settled in the area by the Dutch and brought their grape growing expertise with them. The Revocation of the Edict of Nantes in 1685 lead to thousands of Protestant Huguenots leaving France for England, and Holland. Several hundred were encouraged by the Dutch to travel to Franschhoek . It is a beautiful verdant town with trees lining the road and houses with thatched roofs and Dutch gables.

Our accommodation for the next three nights is the Pearl Valley Hotel. Blimey its posh! It is a new hotel with a golf course and swimming pool. Our balcony overlooking the tennis court  measures 9 paces by 3 paces, almost as big as our kitchen at home. The view is over pink cliffs which look stunning (genuinely) in the light of the setting sun.

Mountains at sunset

The hotel is a golf resort, but it was being repaired so we were allowed to walk on it. It was very popular with the local Guinea Fowl population

Guinea Fowl playing golf

At night we could see many bright stars in the sky over the golf course, but since we were in the southern hemisphere, I was not able to identify them. To be honest if we were in the Northern Hemisphere, I would only recognise The Plough.

Franschhoek and Wine Country

Friday 25 April 2025

After breakfast (which was a bit meagre compare to previous hotels) Tershus took us back to Franschhoek . It is a small very upmarket town full of estate agents, clothes shops and art galleries, it felt like Salcombe or St Ives. It was prosperous and pretty, but didn’t feel authentic, like a resort only for the rich. It did have lots of roadside trees and flocks of Lycra clad cyclists out for a Saturday run. I used to wear Lycra for my commute by bike to Shepherds Bush. I don’t know why, it’s actually tight and uncomfortable and makes you look like a proper knob.

There are a lot of vineyards in the area with French names. They did well during the Napoleonic Wars when the British couldn’t get Continental wine. In the 1850’s Phylloxera killed the vines and the vineyards had to be reestablished with Californian rootstock. Sanctions killed the business again but it picked up in the 90’s.

Then we had a brief stop at Drakenstein prison, Nelson Mandela’s last prison before he was released. We took a quick photo of his statue then sped on.

Nelson Mandela outside Drakenstein Prison

Then we drove to Stellenbosh, which has the biggest and most prestigious university in South Africa. It is also the second oldest settlement after Cape Town founded in the 1680’s by Simon Van de Stel. The town is build on a grid, and the centre has old whitewashed buildings with Dutch gables. There is a distinctive style of architecture called Cape Dutch, which have Dutch gables, like town houses in Amsterdam, whitewashed walls and thatched roofs.

Tertius parked next to the local museum, so we went in for a look. There are four old houses full of period furniture. The oldest is a restored thatched house from the pioneering days of the 17th century. It was interesting for about 40 minutes, but there is little in the way of interpretation boards in some of the houses. The Cape had a slave economy. Many of the enslaved people enabling the comfortable lifestyle of the Dutch burgers were brought from Indonesia. These individuals were classified as Malay. All the races in the Cape; the Dutch whites, Khoisan, Bantu and Malay interbred to create the Cape Coloured people.

Stellenbosh Museum

There are some lovely old houses in Dorp Straat from the 18th and 19th centuries, the largest collection of heritage buildings in the country.

We got back on the coach and drove through the gorgeous wine country surrounded by mountains to the Neethlingshof Vineyard, which was established in 1692, but proper wine production started in 1802. It has some big wine making buildings built in Cape Dutch style with curvy gables.

We went into the tasting area and a young lady from the Xhosa tribal group (she told us) introduced us to five different white and red wines. To be honest they all began to blend into each other. The whites were good straight out of the bottle, but the reds needed to breathe for a while to disperse the tannins.  Our trainee sommelier talked the talk, but did not have the knowledge to explain the wines convincingly. Also some of our group talked over her, which is just damned rude.

Anyone thirsty? Industrial production at Neethlingshof Vineyard

We had an opportunity to buy wine, but passed on that. Then it was back on the bus for a scenic drive back to our hotel. I am now drinking some very acceptable “good value” Tall Horse  wine from Pick and Pay in Hermanus. 

Dinner was in Backs restaurant at the hotel by the swimming pool, our last inclusive evening meal. We had a Cape Malay dinner, which included a slow cooked beef stew and chicken sort-of curry. It was all tasty when washed down with an Aperol Spritz.

Capetown!

Saturday 26 April 2025

So farewell the Pearl Valley Hotel, easily the best hotel we have stayed in so far. It scored very high for the size of the room and balcony and quality of fixtures and fittings. But it was a bit under par for its catering, it did not such a good breakfast selection. But hey ho, at home I just have Lidl muesli for breakfast.

On the way into Capetown, we passed the film studios in the distance, where my neighbour Martin had spent six months as VFX Supervisor on an SF epic for Apple TV +. The tall masted ships were from a pirate show on Netflix called Black Sails

Capetown Film Studios

Close by was huge townships bristling with satellite dishes, the locals love the English Premier League.

Tertius drove us straight to Table Mountain to get the cable car to the top. It is a big car which takes 65 people. Amazingly, the inside rotates. This ensures everyone gets a great view of the mountain and the city below. Table Mountain is 1067 metres high. At the top, there are footpaths around the rocky sandstone plateau. This plateau is covered with fynbos vegetation. Some of the viewing places were incredibly windy and I was afraid my glasses might be blown off! The views were fantastic, and we spent an hour enjoying them.

The next stop was the Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens. It is a “child” of Kew Gardens and was built of land on the lower slopes of Table Mountain that was purchased by Cecil Rhodes to save it from development. The gardens are gorgeous with a mix of woodland, gardens and lawns. I was especially impressed by a single great Mahogany tree and an avenue of Camphor trees that formed an arch over the road. An alarming sign informed us that the garden hosts a selection of snakes including the Boomslang, Cape Cobra and Puff Adder.

Out next hotel is the Southern Sun Waterfront, a 14 story slab in the city centre. Our room is very nice, but half the size of the last one at Pearl Valley and is rather characterless. It is in the city centre, which is a grid of skyscrapers, without any character. We were advised not to go for a walk for reasons of safety, which was disappointing.

After an hour in our rooms to sort ourselves out, a mini bus came to take us to what is probably the highlight of our trip so far. The bus took us to the harbour, and after giving Capetown Helicopters £283 we got a “flip” in a helicopter! I was soooo excited, I have never been in a helicopter before, and its something I have always wanted to do.

Five of us, plus the pilot (Ryan) squeezed into the Eurocopter EC130, and he took us out to sea and then around and over Table Mountain. To make the flight even more interesting there was a wild fire on the mountain creating a huge plume of smoke. It was a very exciting trip with fantastic views of the city, harbour and mountain. We could see Robben Island in the distance, which is a UNESCO Heritage site.

There was another helicopter up at the same time as us and we flow side by side for a while.

It was all over after 20 minutes and we landed gently at the heliport where we started.

A golf buggy then gave us a lift to the Victoria and Albert Waterfront, a huge shopping mall and streets of shops and restaurants. It is Freedom Day in Capetown, a public holiday enjoyed by everyone. So it was really busy, like Camden Town on a Saturday.

We found an Italian restaurant and enjoyed a meal on our own for a change. It has been really hot today, but as soon as the sun went down it got cold quite quickly. We had to wait 45 minutes for the shuttle bus back to the hotel, which was a pain in the behind.

A Tour of the Cape Peninsula

Sunday 27 April 2025

Until I got to South Africa I thought The Cape of Good Hope was the southernmost point in Africa. I was wrong, it’s Cape Agulhas, further down the coast. But the Cape of Good Hope is the most south westerly point of the continent, and we visited that today. Our driver took us all around the Cape Peninsula, a pointy area of land to the south of Cape Town. 

When we set off from the Southern Sun Hotel at 8am, there was thick fog. Capetown is where the Atlantic meets the Indian Ocean, so the weather is very variable. It was also 12 degrees cooler than yesterday, twenty degrees rather than thirty two degrees. Along the peninsula there are a string of affluent suburbs facing the  beaches and the sea. They look more like the Cote D’Azur than Africa. But since it was foggy we couldn’t see much of them. There were plenty of fit twenty somethings running and cycling along the coastal footpath, like we were in Los Angeles.

We passed through Camps Bay and Llandudno (honestly) then paid a toll to go along Chapmans Peak Drive. This is a road blasted out of the cliff face in the 1920’s that winds round like the Amalfi Drive, it’s exceedingly picturesque. Then through lovely Houts Bay, I could see why people want to live there.

Chapmans Peak Drive

But by the road side a group of local black men, mainly immigrants from other parts of Africa (our guide told us) waited to be asked to do casual gardening, painting or other labouring jobs. Unemployment is around 38%, which is diabolical.

At Scarborough the road crossed the peninsula easterly  to the National Park, which takes up a large part of the lower peninsula. It is an open treeless country that reminded me of North Yorkshire around Ingleborough. The land is covered in fynbos, which has a lot of heather in it. But instead of sheep there are antelope, baboon, zebra and wild ostriches.

The National Park, a bit like North Yorkshire but with Baboons and Zebras

We stopped briefly at the Cape Of Good Hope, and joined the queue for our guide Lizwe to take a photo of us by the sign. It’s like Lands End without the dreadful gift shops.

Then onto Cape Point where there IS a gift shop, but also a lighthouse at the top of a hill. Julie and I hiked up the path and steps in 15 minutes, but everyone else took the funicular railway up, the lazy bastards. We had great views of the endless oceans and a signpost that said 9623 KM to London.

Everybody got back on the bus. We headed north up the eastern side of the peninsula to Boulder Beach at Simonstown. It’s located next to the naval base. It is home to several hundred beach loving Jackass Penguins. There’s a boardwalk to the beach and 800,000 people visit every year to see the little fellas. They don’t do much apart from looking cute, so for most of the time we just sat on a bench and enjoyed the warm sunshine.

After that it was back to the hotel via the very expensive suburbs of Tokai, Constantia and Bishops Court. Constantia has the oldest vineyards in South Africa, and of course very high walls and  electric fences.

Visiting a Township

Monday 28 April 2025

This morning we took a tour which showed us how the majority of people in South Africa live. A minibus picked us up from the Souther Sun Hotel, which was driven by a local man called Zandy. The first stop was the City Hall, a big Victorian building which looked like a town hall in the north of England. It wasn’t a beautiful or welcoming place.

The attraction there was another statue of Nelson Mandela, who is like a saint in South Africa. We took our photos with the statue, which felt a little peculiar, and then went a short way to a former Methodist chapel, now the home of the District Six Museum.

That’s Nelson on the right

District Six was an inner city area which was mostly populated by Cape Coloured people, and other poor immigrants including a Jewish population driven from Europe. In the 1960’s the Apartheid regime decided they wanted the city centre land and demolished most of District Six. A vibrant community was flattened, and its people moved into distant townships. 

By the way, “township” is a South African term for a settlement populated by black people on the edge of the white-dominated city centres. Before 1994 there was not enough investment in basic infrastructure and education in the townships. Today they are somewhat improved, but they are still quite wretched and suffer enormous unemployment. The museum remembers all the people who lived there whose lives were violently disrupted.

Coloured or Black people could get seventeen days in prison for sitting on a Whites Only bench. 

There are many photos in the museum showing the People of District Six living joyous lives in a vibrant happy community. I particularly liked these youngsters dressed up in their finest Saturday Night gear, I would never have guessed that there were Teddy Boys in Cape Town!

The government built a Whites Only university smack in the middle of the District, which is now open to any students.

Our next stop, fifteen minutes away down the motorway was Langa, a Township which is also a tourism showcase that is used to visitors. The housing is mixed quality, varying between very basic overcrowded hostels and small bungalows with nice cars outside them. The streets are quite scruffy, but there were plenty of ladies cleaning up litter. I’m not sure how typical it is of regular townships.

The cramped hostels

We were taken into a “hostel”, shared accommodation that is very cramped and basic. The Jacob Zuma government promised to knock down the hostels and replace them with better housing. The some of the demolition happened, but money for rebuilding went into the pockets of his cronies.

It wasn’t an easy visit, but it filled in many gaps in my knowledge of South Africa.

At a local community centre we visited a pottery and Julie bought a mug.

The driver dropped us at the Johannesburg Waterfront and we went straight to Zeitz MOCAA, a contemporary art museum built into converted grain silos on the docks.

To quote Wikipedia

“Using a variety of concrete-cutting techniques, the interior of the building was carved out to create a number of galleries and a large central atrium. The remaining concrete shafts were capped with strengthened glass in order to allow natural light to enter and create a “cathedral-like” interior.”

The building had originally been 42 tall cylindrical 57 metre tall silos. On level 6 there a very good cafe overlooking the docks, and there were only a few people in there. So we relaxed, and had an Americano and a light lunch, it was bloody marvellous.

The art was similar to that in the Tate Modern, what I call “modern bollocks”. After a quick look round the galleries we went back to the bar for a drink and gaze at all the ships including a huge pipe laying vessel. I had some Windhoek Draught beer from Namibia. It actually came in a bottle and tastes terrible. In general South African beer is not good, it is best to stick to the wine.

The Waterfront area is very lively and attractive, with buskers, harbour tours, and even Sea Lions swimming in the harbour. Its a great place to sit in the sunshine and watch the world go by.

Wine Tasting in Robertson

Tuesday 29 April 2025

Farewell fair Capetown. We are back on the road heading north east to more wine country, close to the town of Robertson. The weather is cool and damp today, so I have got my waterproof jacket ready.

We had all been good tourists, so we were taken to Vijoensdrift vineyard to have a tasting. We were taken into a large tasting room with tables and lines of four wine glasses on them. A nice lady brought round two white wines and then two red wines. I could tell you what they are but it would be meaningless, but I can assure you they were all good. Then, inevitably there was an opportunity to buy wine, so we got the best Sav Blanc for about £3.50.

After that we climbed aboard a big pontoon boat and had a gentle chug along the Breere River, a slow broad river lined with willow and eucalyptus trees.

Me looking strangely miserable on a chilly boat trip

Everyone was mildly pissed before we got back on the bus. We went to a roadside shop/restaurant called Platform 62 which was built on a disused railway platform. It had an old steam train outside. There wasn’t a wide choice of food, and the Eland burger caught my eye. It tasted pretty much the same as a fat beef burger, really good. 

As well as offering food and wine (at £1.30 a glass), Platform 62 had a huge range of dried fruit and nuts, like a warehouse of them. I got some crystallised ginger and roasted macadamia nuts.

Our hotel stop was at Montgu, a small town built on a grid with a few pretty 19th century buildings. Our residence for one night was the Montagu County Hotel, a lovely Art Deco styled place with wooden floors and stylish furniture. We even had a chandelier in our bathroom, nice!

Art Deco Lounge at the Montagu County Hotel

Julie had a cold, so stayed in bed while I went for dinner with the other tourists. 

My dinner took over an hour to arrive, but it was good (steak and chips). Some of the other diners got substandard food and were not happy, one of them was really unhappy and complained loud and long. Very awkward for the rest of us.

Slow restaurant service seems to be a theme in South Africa.

The Little Karoo

Wednesday 30 April 2025

After a cracking breakfast at the Montagu, we continued up Route 62, a two lane A road through the really beautiful countryside of the Klein Karoo. Karoo means dry in Khoisan and Klein means small in Dutch. It is small compared to the Great Karoo which covers a third of South Africa. It is a dry mountainous landscape which reminded me of southern Tenerife with low shrubs and few trees. Despite the dry climate there are  fields of grape vines, olives and fruit trees, it’s a very productive area. We pass a small troop of baboons by the roadside, they live everywhere.

At Barrydale we turn into Barrydale Weavers, which has several big industrial sheds. A smiling lady (I didn’t catch her name) took us into one of the sheds. Inside were many flying shuttle  wooden looms, simple manual machines from a pre-industrial age. Their operators were skilled local people working very fast with their hands and feet weaving white cotton fabric. The company makes towels, cushion covers and blankets and sells them all over the world.

Weaving shed at Barrydale

In the next shed there was something even more interesting, a brandy distillery! Joseph Barry came from London in the 18th century to make brandy. The company makes some damned fine stuff. We tried the VS, VSOP, XO, and the Muscat. We tasted them on their own and then with a small lozenge of chocolate. Which was nice, but to be honest I couldn’t really tell the difference between them.

Brandy tasting with matching chocolate, mmmm

You may think a brandy tasking was the best part of the day, but dear reader but it was not.

Our next destination was Oudtshoorn, a little further up Route 62. On an open stretch of road there was a loud neeeyaaaaaah and a Ferrari sped past, then a second, then a fourth. They must have got lost on the way to King Road.

Just outside of the town is the Safari Ostrich Farm, no Lions, no Rhinos or Hippos, just Ostriches. First of all we all went for a much needed wee, and then had lunch. It was possibly the best lunch I had eaten in South Africa: Pea Soup,  Ostrich steak, Chicken thigh, fresh vegetables and a salad followed by Malva pudding and hot custard. Malva is quite similar to treacle sponge, a School Dinner staple.

A charming young lady called Oreal then sold us some buckets of Ostrich food for 5 Rand, and  took us over to a trailer with benches on it towed by a tractor.

We were taken into an enclosure with half a dozen big ostriches in it. They immediately bent their heads into our little buckets of feed and pecked away until it was all gone. It was hysterically funny, these comically tall creatures mugging us for a free lunch. The farm has 1800 hectares of land and thousands of Ostriches which can grow to over two metres tall.

Tony about to feed a hungry ostrich

FACTS

Ostriches eyes are bigger than their brains

Ostriches can live to be sixty years old

Ostriches can produce eighteen kilos of meat 

Ostriches can produce over two kilos of of feathers

Our guide told us that during the Victorian boom they were worth “more than their wight in gold”. But I looked it up and found they sold for £22 to £26 a pound.

Lyn with a Zimbabwe Blue, Red Necked and South African Ostrich

We next stopped at the Queens Hotel in Oudsthoorn. It is a Victorian stone building on the high street. Q stayed there in 1947. In Victorian times the town became very wealthy from Ostrich farming, when their feathers were in huge demand for ladies hats. The town is the biggest settlement in the Klein Karoo and still has the worlds largest ostrich population.

Having eaten a huge meaty lunch, we just had a very healthy combination of snacks and wine for dinner in our bedroom.

Up a Mountain Then Down Again

Thursday 1 May 2025

Today was more adventurous, we drove into the Swartburg Mountains to see the Cape Biome up close. The coach took us through some of the Klein Karoo (pronounced klane karua) past tobacco farms and game reserves. We didn’t see any  game but did see camels being ridden at a farm.

We stopped at a small farm, and then transferred into a smaller Toyota bus driven by a very enthusiastic guide called Stephen who knows everything about the area. Stephen drove us up the B328 road called the Swartburg Pass, which starts off as tarmac but rapidly becomes a first road winding up the mountain. It was constructed by Thomas Bains between 1883 and 1888 using convict labour. He constructed many mountain passes in South Africa and was a remarkable engineer. Bains estimated a cost of £40,000 but he came in under budget at £35,000. The pass has many retaining walls on the bends built of dry stone, which stand very firm after 140 years.

Our guide Stephen and fynbos vegetation

Stephen stopped the bus often and told us about the flowering Protea bushes, the restios reeds used for thatching houses, and the Wagon Tree used to make brakes for ox carts. The area had a devastating seven year drought until June 2023, and huge wildfires. It has rained since and the fynbos have recovered.

Baboons inhabit the mountains and raid the farmers’ gardens. They are preyed upon by Cape Leopards, which are much smaller than other Leopards. 

The coach climbed slowly and carefully up the winding road until we reached the top of the pass at 1570 metres. It was really cold up there, probably 5 or 6 degrees, but there are fantastic views of the Great Karoo, a huge area of semi-desert. The geology is very striking, with quartzite cliffs tilted at up to 90 degrees, and mudstone with fossils of ancient mussels. On mountains a few miles away we could see snow on the peaks.

The Swartberg pass winding down to the Great Karoo

Returning to the farm where we started, we sat around big tables and had a Braai lunch, South African barbecue. We queued up for salads and then ostrich, boerwors and lamb chops, very hearty. All meat for the meal was cooked by one cook on a big barbecue at the back of the dining room.

A bizarre hanging stone canopy over the fire

From the top of Swartberg, we went underground to Cango Caves. They are big show caves, a bit like Cheddar caves but bigger.They were very impressive, but unfortunately we were in a very big group of about 50 people with a hopeless guide. All she had to tell us was that stalactites go down and stalagmites go up, the average ten year old could have told us that. 

Back at the Queens Hotel we had more snacks for dinner, purchased from the Pick and Pay a short walk away.

The Great Karoo

Friday 2 May 2025

We took a long journey on the Megabus today from Oudtshoorn to Worcester which is close to Capetown. Passing through the pretty village of De Rust (The Rest) we saw enclosures of ostriches and fields of alfalfa that they are fed on. To get through the Swartberg mountains we passed through the Meiringspoort pass, another of Thomas Bains engineering marvels. The pass follows a river and twists and turns through gorges cut into orangy-yellow rock thats has been enormously deformed by massive tectonic forces. Some of the beds which were laid down by ancient seas now lay vertically. It is 25 km long and crosses the river 25 times.

The pass was constructed so that farmers in the Great Karoo (the Great Dry) could get their merino wool to the port at George. The Great Karoo covers one third of South Africa, and farming productivity is extremely low.

Size of the Great Karoo

At Klaarstrom (Clear Stream) we stopped at the home of Jeremy and Sharon at their old farmhouse to see what an old rural house is like. It was built in 1885, and all the materials for the house, apart from bricks and sand, was imported from England. The house has big rooms and high ceilings to deal with the summer heat. The kitchen is warmed in winter by an Aga oven. Their village was founded so that farmers can wash their wool in the clear stream on its way to market. Our genial host told us all about the village and his house and gave us coffee and milk cake, which is like egg custard. 

Lunch in Klaarstrom

From Klaarstrom we passed into the Great Karoo proper, a treeless area of low sage-green shrubs, open plain and hills. It looks like the south west of the USA that we have all seen in films.

The nearest town to Klaarstrom  is Prince Albert, which is a very pretty holiday town with eucalyptus trees along the road and pink  bougainvillaea in the gardens. In Victorian times it had a Water Court to sort out disputes over irrigations between villagers, farmers and other commercial users.

After a very long drive through the Karoo we took a break at Majitsfontein (Majits Spring), a 19th century village next to the main railway line from Capetown to Jobourg. There is a small street of Victorian buildings including a battlemented hotel, an old post office, a church and a museum.

Lord Milner Hotel in Majitsfontein

The museum has a very big collection of old stuff, including: sewing machines, cameras, typewriters, tools and even bedpans! In a separate building there was a dozen old cars, big American and British luxury saloons which all looked in need of TLC.

As we got closer to Worcester we passed huge fields of grape vines, which are grow for the table.

Huge fields of grapes, soon to be in Tesco

At 4.30 we reached the Sun Valley Casino and Hotel, our last hotel on the tour. Our driver took us to a local steakhouse, so we don’t have to suffer all the lights and noises of the fruit machines in the casino restaurant.

The Huzzar Steakhouse was very smart with nice staff, and the menu (mostly steak) looked great. BUT it took two sodding hours to get our main course. TWO HOURS! We were all rather grumpy when our meals arrived, and very hungry.

Elgin and Sir Lowry’s Pass

Saturday 3 May 2025

Today is our last day in South Africa, and I think we are suffering from travel fatigue. We have traveled over 1500 miles by coach and stayed in many different hotels. I have eaten a ridiculous amount of meat, my microbiome must be suffering from culture shock.

To end our tour our coach driver Tertius took us by the scenic route to OR Tambo Airport in Joburg. We passed through mile after mile of apple orchards, which are mostly picked by immigrant workers from Lesotho and Zimbabwe. In the distance  there was the Appeltizer factory, a South African invention that is now owned by Coca Cola. 

At the town of Elgin we stopped at the railway station and went into a big concrete building which looked like an old warehouse from the outside. Inside it had been converted into a wonderful indoor market full of craft shops and places to eat and drink.It was quite up market and beautifully designed, probably the best indoor market I have ever seen. The iron balustrades, banisters and log burners were really interesting looking, and there were huge rotating fans in the roof suspended by horizontal steel cables.

After an hour of mooching about it was back on the bus and up and over the Sir Lowry’s Pass. Sir Lowry was the Cape Governor who got the pass constructed in 1830 to allow safe passage to ox carts. Our coach parked at the top of the pass for photos. There is a steep drop down to Cape Flats and a fantastic view of False Bay and the back side of Table Mountain. From where we parked paragliders were queuing up to jump off the top of the mountain and fly hundreds of feet to the bottom. In the car park a hungry baboon was trying to get into a car and our coach in search of lunch.

Then we descended the pass and drove down the motorway to Capetown airport to catch the 13.30 Cemair flight to Joburg. I’m now in a restaurant eagerly anticipating the arrival of our dinner and a Virgin Atlantic flight to Heathrow at 20.40.

Inevitably my burger took ages to arrive, I think the waiter forgot about us. The fight to Joburg was on time and uneventful. We were met at the airport by someone who guided from Domestic Arrivals to International Departures where we waited for our Virgin flight back to LHR.

The flight to 10 and a half hours overnight, and it wasn’t comfortable for me, but it arrived on time. We soon got through the airport and caught the 490 bus home, getting through the door at 8.30am.

Here are all the places I visited in the Western Cape.

So what do I think of South Africa?

The Riviera Grand Tour was a very good way to see many of the highlights of the huge and diverse country. The guides, Ian and Lizwe, looked after us very well, keeping us well informed and ushered us in and out of all the different hotels.

The hotels ranged from Fine (Battlefield Lodge) to Top Notch (Pearl Valley Hotel) and the food was very good. I have never eaten so much meat in my life, and it shows on my waistline!

The tour covered a huge amount of territory and we had to spend a great deal of time on the coach. But the only way to see a big country is by travelling through it. I saw a huge variety of landscapes, geology, flora and fauna in the provinces of Guateng, Mpumalanga, Kwazulu Natal and the Western Cape.

It was great not having to be concerned about how to get around the country, and have a great view of the countryside from the coach. The scenery is very varied, and destroyed my preconceptions of what Africa looks like, having been brought up on nature documentaries.

The high crime rate meant that there were many places where it wasn’t safe to wander the streets as I would in Europe. We couldn’t simply visit other restaurants or bars and mix with the locals, apart from in some of the resorts. I did miss that freedom, but understand entirely why.

South Africa is a cheap place to eat and drink. For example fish and might cost about 150 Rand, which is £6.50, and a glass of wine would be 60 Rand or about £2.40. The food was generally really good. Breakfast was the same as at home, and that was always inclusive. For lunch and dinner there was often buffets with lots of different meat, salads, chips etc. For dinner you could get fish, which would be Hake or Kingklip, and once I got Mussels as a starter, exactly eight of them.

The staff in hotels were all black, and universally friendly, helpful and cheerful. It was especially good when we arrived at a hotel. Our cases would arrive outside our room 20 minutes later. They would get collected the following morning and be stashed on the bus.

On a tour you are in close contact with the same people for several weeks, which is a mixed blessing. All of the people we travelled with were very well mannered and good at timekeeping, which is crucial on a tour.

It was fun tasting wine at Neethlingshof and Vijoensdrift, but my palate is note refined enough to appreciate them properly. It was fascinating seeing the production process at Neethlingshof, and the enormous stainless steel tanks where they make thousands of gallons of wine. We passed huge amount of vineyards, showing what an important industry it is.

What you don’t get in South Africa compared to Europe is the depth of history, there are no palaces, mansions, abbeys, medieval towns and so on, but its not a fair comparison. But you do get spectacular mountain passes, hysterically funny Ostriches, Leopards in trees, Elephants crossing the road and more statues of Nelson Mandela than you can shake a stick at.

The highlight?

Flying in a helicopter past Table Mountain.

Siena Italy

Wednesday 27 September

Siena was mostly built between the 11th and 14th century, then the Black Death hit in 1348 which arrested its development. It is situated on top of a hill, 320 metres above sea level in the midst of stunning Tuscan countryside. On our first full day we wandered around the narrow streets, awestruck by the beauty of the city. All of the buildings are brick or stone, and range from artisan’s apartment blocks to palazzos on piazzas and some enormous basilicas. I have seen a lot of old cities in Europe, and Siena  is the most awesome I have seen so far. The centre is entirely medieval, and the it’s like walking through a film set. There are no footpaths, just roads paved with black stone, so you regularly have to pin your back to the wall as a taxi or rubbish truck comes through.

The rubbish trucks and buses are small so that they can  get round the tight corners and along the narrow streets.

We bought the bumper bundle ticket for the cathedral, which would let us visit several different parts of it over 3 days.

The Duomo is clad in black and white striped marble, whereas the Florence Duomo is green and white and bigger. The interior is sumptuously  clad with marble, gold and rich frescoes on the walls. The floors are patterned in marble as well, I don’t know how they did that 700 years ago, they were very clever people! 

After a shit-load of culture what you do? You have a drink right behind the cathedral in the sunshine.

The Piazza del Campo is the central “square” in Siena, overlooked by the town hall with its great tower, the Torre del Mangia. The Campo is where the Palio horse race takes place every year on the 2nd July and 16 of August. Old Siena is divided into 17 contrada which compete for a silk flag. Out of the 17, only 10  are chosen by lottery to get a horse in the race.

The horses that the contrada get are also decided by lottery, so the competition is extremely intense.  Have a look at the BBC Reel video on YouTube, it’s very exciting.

The second part of our Duomo trip was up just under the roof and below the bottom of the dome. We could see inside the cathedral, and had a splendid view of the city and the Facciatone. This was  an extension to the cathedral, then the Black Death came along and the builder found a better paying job somewhere else, leaving one big wall.

I managed to find a shop names after me. FACT I once stayed in TIM Hotel in Paris. I’m very popular.

Thursday 28 September

San Gimignano

San Gimignano came up on Google as a good place for a day trip from Siena by train, but it turned out to be simpler to go by bus.

The bus took us through some lovely Tuscan countryside to a hilltop village taken straight from a Chianti bottle label, I expected some men in tights to ride out of the gates on horseback.

The town was doing well and thrived until the Black Death in 1348, then its development was stopped. It still has 7 great stone towers built by rival families in the town, and a good selection of Gothic churches. Because it is so remarkably pretty, it was swarming with other day trippers getting dinner party boasting points; “Have you been to San Gimignano? It’s absolutely fabulous, and the pasta with truffles is to die for’.

We wandered the narrow streets and admired the old houses and churches. There is a panoramic view over Tuscany which looked like the scene in Gladiator where Maximus is remembering his farm.

We watched it on Netflix the other night, it’s still a great film.

There was a market selling all the usual stuff; bags, hats, “truffle oil”, olive wood salad servers. But also a van selling pork sandwiches, which he carved from a large joint of rolled roasted pork. So we literally pigged out.

In the remains of a castle at the top of the town was a man dressed as Dante giving a speech from the Divine Comedy. He had the confident voice of a stage actor, but sadly his audience was almost non-existent. 

Every other night we cooked in the flat. Often there would be a  simple 2 ring electric hob, which was adequate for simple meals, usually featuring pasta and tuna. There was always wine with our meals, we are in Italy and it would be rude not to.

Friday 29 September

On our last day in Siena we used up the last parts of our Duomo ticket, which was valid for three days. The first part was a museum of treasures from the cathedral; paintings, sculptures, chalices and reliquaries. Reliquaries are just weird, they are fancy silver boxes that contain bits of dead saints; bones, teeth, jawbones, even complete skulls. Pilgrims would travel hundreds of miles to see a reliquary, and they made a lot of money for the churches. 

This is the jawbone of a dead saint, I think it’s revolting, but I’m not a Catholic.

The treasures are very limited in scope; Jesus, Mary, saints and the occasional bishop. Some of the statues had a very peculiar posture, but they were designed to be on the top of the cathedral looking down on the pilgrims below.

The “highlight” of the tour was the climb to the top of Facciatone, the very tall wall of unfinished cathedral extension. The last climb was up a narrow spiral staircase designed for people with smaller feet than me. Then when we got to the top the view was fantastic BUT the wall only came up to my waist. I did not like that at all, my guts were churning and my balls were tingling, so I sat down and hung onto the rail. The guide could see the fear in my face and kindly told me about what was in view. Julie took these photos, I didn’t want to let go of the rail!

There are many ancient winding streets in the old town, which have hardly changed in 700 years. On many of the walls are large iron rings, which I guess are used for tethering horses. On many streets there are flags on the wall signifying the different contrada. They are a vital part of the community and organise social events all year round for their members. We were staying in Selva, and the flag has an oak tree on it.

Verona Italy 2023

Friday 22 September

Verona Day 1

So farewell Salzburg, home of the Von Trapps and Mozart. The Von Trapps were a real family choir, but there story was embroidered considerably. But I did find a lonely goat turd high on a hill.

I’m now on the train between Innsbruck and  Brenner. It’s cool and rainy with very low cloud, which justifies us skipping Innsbruck and going straight to Verona.

 The first leg of the journey was east to Innsbruck, then we changed trains and headed towards Verona through the Brenner Pass. This is a combination of river valleys and long tunnels through the Tyrol Alps, lands which are the border between the German  and Italian speaking world and have been fought over for thousands of years. We were well into what is now Italy before the houses lost their alpine appearance, and cypress trees and vineyards appeared that gave the land an Italian look.

At Porto Nuovo station in Verona, Julie found our new accommodation on Google Maps, and we dragged our trolley bags through the city centre. Verona has existed for well over 2,000 years, and has buildings from every era. It was a 40 minute walk through the old city centre past the Roman arena.

Our accomodation was on the other side of the Adige river, which is the same raging torrent that goes through the Brenner pass.

After settling into our apartment on the second floor on a 16th century house, we walked back across Ponte Nuovo to find somewhere to eat at the nearest supermarket. Rounding a corner I heard someone shout 

“Tim!”

It was my mate Steve Lenczner from Fulham. I knew he was going to be in Verona, and it was pure chance that he was standing on his balcony as we walked past.

So we all went to Piazza del Erbe around the corner from Steve’s flat  and had Aperol Spritz, risotto and a little too much wine. A fantastic evening in a stunning location on a warm evening in Verona.

Saturday 23 September

Bloody hell I felt a bit rough in the morning, I think I have an overdose of fun (or red wine). Verona is all I had hoped it would be, a city that was one of the richest in Europe in the middle ages, that has mostly preserved its medieval city centre. The centre is made up of red brick palazzos and piazzas, and of course swarms of tourists. I wore shorts and a teeshirt and wore a cap to cover up my tender bonce, my appearance cried out TOURIST. I couldn’t compete with the local men in skinny legged suits, crisp white shirts and black ties. Even the coppers looked cool. 

The Castellvecchio is a castle built by Cangrande della Scalla, the local warlord,  in the 13th century. It was built next to the Adige river, and the bridge was also fortified to give him an escape route if the ungrateful locals rose up against him. The bridge stood for 600 years until retreating Nazis blew it up in 1945. A local architect Libero Cecchini masterminded the reconstruction which was completed in 1951, and it looks perfectly like the original.

I was fascinated (to a nerdy extent) by the construction of the walls of buildings, which were made of brick, old stone, rubble and river stones. But clearly they last longer than most modern buildings.

Crossing over the San Pietro bridge we could see that the Adige was in full turbulent flow beneath the bridge, no wonder there were no boats at all on the river.

Sunday 24 September

Close to where we were staying was a viewing sport called Castel San Pietro. The castel was an Austrian barracks from the first half of the 19th century when Austria ruled most of northern Italy. We walked up the steps rather than ride the funicular up the hill. I am a skiffer, not a softie! There was a fantastic view over  old Verona, a vista of red brick, tiled roofs and bell towers. The Austrians chose a good spot to house their soldiers.

On almost every corner there is a lovely palazzo or basilica to look at. There are many churches that you can walk in to enjoy the Renaissance art that covers the walls, and of course, the cool shade and peace.

In the afternoon we visited the Giardino Giusti, a 16th century palazzo and its gardens. It is still owned by the Giusti family, but its open to the public. It had 7 or 8 rooms full of old furniture and paintings, some going back to when it was built in the 16th century when the Scaglia and Hapsburgs dripped by to visit. One of the pictures on the wall was an old print of a 19th century regatta in France. I was amazed to see that it had skiffers on it wearing hooped shirts, like the ones we wear today at the Skiff Club

It has its original gardens, which are quite rare in fortified cities, no doubt it was a lovely place for passing aristos to enjoy a spritz on a hot afternoon. The gardens rise above the house, a great spot for a selfie with the palazzo behind us.

I wanted to see the city walls, and Julie didn’t. So I hiked up behind Giardino to the massive Austrian fortifications that surround the city. Only when I got there I found there are two walls, and I was walking between them, so for most of my walk I just saw walls. Not so interesting, but a good walk.

In the evening we went to the Tosca Bistrot and I chose Pastisado de Caval, horse stew. Well you don’t see it in London do you? It was just like beef stew, on a slab of polenta, tasty but unremarkable. Luckily it didn’t give me the trots..

Monday 25th September

Verona is very close to Lake Garda, which has got to be one of the most beautiful lakes in the the world! We got the train to Peschiera del Garda, a former fortress town at the bottom of the lake with huge walls. Those Austrians loved a big wall. 

The town itself was very busy, so we walked up the shore to find a shady bench and just chill and enjoy the views to the mountains and towns on the opposite shore. I was a bit tempted to have a swim, but the water was a bit murky, and the beach was stoney and hard to walk on.

The place was so exceptional, watching the lake was enough for most of the day. We did have a trip to Lidl to get lunch, boy do I love a good Lidl. Later on in the day we had a drink in a cafe and did more serious gazing over the lake.

In the evening we ate dinner in the flat, tuna salads feature regularly in our diet, followed by fruit and yoghurt and a bit of chocolate.

Salzburg Austria 2023

Wednesday 20 September

I’m on the train to Salzburg whizzing through Austria. This train goes to Munich so there were a couple dressed in Bavarian outfits selling beer. Yes  bloody please!

A bit out of focus, I was excited

We got to Salzburg at 3 ish and put our bags in a locker and sent to explore. It is a very neat, tidy and attractive city, as befits the home of Mozart and the Sound of Music. We passed a trio of nuns (honestly) and I wanted to ask “how do you solve a problem like Maria?” but Julie wouldn’t let me.

There’s a festival on at the moment called Rupertikirtag in honour of St Rupert. It’s like a mini Octoberfest with food and beer stalls and a funfair. Lots of people were dressed in lederhosen and dirndls, even the kids! It was very colourful and fun.

Horny men in leather shorts – normal for Austria

There was even a group of men doing the knee slapping dance I have only seen in The Two Ronnie’s

Our accommodation is in Hallein, a few stops down the line, Salzburg is too expensive. The Sommeraur Pensione cost us as much for 2 nights as we paid for 4 nights in Budapest. But the breakfast was enormous and the coffee excellent.

Thursday  21 September

This morning we got the 9.16 train from Hallein into Salzburg. Hallein had salt mines, which were the basis of Salzburg’s (salt town) great  prosperity. The salt was shipped down the river into Italy and wine came back, a very good deal.

We walked up to the Hohensalzburg, the huge castle above the town on a crag. We could have taken the funicular, but I’m a Skiffer not a softie! Neither is Julie. The castle is honestly one of the best I have ever visited. It was founded in 1180, and improved all the way up to 1803 when Napoleon marched in.

The massive castle has amazing views over the city and nearby Alps. The weather was hot and sunny, so it was perfect. There are several museums inside about the castle and military history which are very modern and well laid out.

The funicular is free to go down and takes about a minute. Skiffers also enjoy a bargain.

In the square at the bottom Rupertikirtag is in full swing, with many stalls selling pretzels of various types, cream cakes and sweets. We went into a marquee with an oompah band and I had a beer, 6.2 Euro for half a litre. Expensive, but not outrageous.

🎶 I like lager und bratwurst und cabbage

The city centre is fairly small, but is all beautiful 17th and 18th century Baroque buildings, including several where Mozart lived. Mozart was the Harty Styles of his day, but wrote his own tunes.

The huge ancient abbey of St Peter was very impressive, with a highly decorated church and a restaurant that claims it was founded in 803. That’s 1220 years ago, before King Alfred beat the Vikings (for you history nerds out there).

Austrian cuisine is …limited in scope, but we thought we should try it. The Zipfer Bierhaus is a traditional pub on one of the central squares. I had sausage, potatoes and sauerkraut, Julie had schnitzel and potatoes. It was fine.

The Octoberbrau I had was really delicious, so I was a happy boy.

Saurkraut is ok, but baked beans is much better with sausages.

Budapest Hungary 2023

Saturday 16 September

We didn’t decide to visit Budapest until last week, when we were in Strasbourg. It was on our itinerary back in August, then we took it off again. Our reluctance is due to it being  6.5 hours from Munich on the train. Then I started reading The Places In Between, which is about Rory Stewart’s walk across Afghanistan during the winter. That made me feel like a big softy, and a long journey on a comfy train isn’t too much of a hardship. I’m a big fan of Rory Stewart, an incredibly tough polymath and the only Tory politician I respect.

As I write I’m in a reserved seat on a packed train on our way through Hungary near Mosonmagyrovar on the Pannonian basin. It’s flat all the way to the Carpathian mountains, and is studded with windmills. 

Well we are here now, in a small but perfectly formed studio flat in Pest, which is on the eastern bank of the Danube which is (so Google tells us) the cooler part of town. 

Having spent 9 hours travelling from our flat in Munich, we were feeling a bit err… shit… when we arrived. so after struggling with 2 digital keypads to get in, we soon went out to the Danube river bank a few hundred metres away for a drink at sunset. The Viaduckt bar is a bar under the viaduct for the tram running down the river bank. We had great views of Buda and the Chain Bridge and chilled there for a bit with a beer.

Julie found the Parisi6 restaurant close by, which was fantastic, I had a slow cooked pork steak and Julie had beef neck, those animals did not die in vain.  The waiter liked what we said about his food and gave us a free shot, Which was nice.

On the way home we found a Lidl to get emergancy rations of red wine and chocolate. Well it’s just common sense.

Sunday 17 September

I had very few preconceptions about Budapest before I arrived. I knew that it had Buda and Pest with the Danube in between, and a collection of castles and museums, the usual kind of European capital stuff. But I have been blown away by how beautiful it is. Some of it looks like Paris, some of it like Vienna and there are even parts that look like Disneyland! The architecture is amazing, there are some gorgeous late 19th century art deco buildings and Victorian neo-gothic with a touch of Ottoman thrown in.

The first 3 hours of the day were Interrail Admin (boring but vital) so it was past 11 before we got out of the flat in Pest. Beautiful sunshine after mixed weather in Munich.

We found the Tourist Info to get some paper maps and general orientation, then walked down to the Danube. There was a lovely Victorian building that looked like something cultural, so we went in. It was called Vigado, a concert hall and exhibition centre that is stunningly beautiful. Its interior is quite palatial, the equal of palaces we have visited in other capital cities. On the 6th floor there was a design exhibition of leatherware, glassware, sculptures and other superb local crafts. There was also a roof terrace with wonderful views over the Danube to the castle district. 

It’s a well known fact that culture makes you hungry, and we found Vapiano, a fast Italian food chain recommended by our neighbour Ruth. I had fusili Bolognese and Julie had a Cesare salad, both very good.

To get to Buda we crossed the chain bridge, a 19th century suspension bridge that looks like Marlow Bridge but is much bigger. It has just (like yesterday) been reopened after

renovation, and is like new. They have banned traffic, so just pedestrians and cycles were going across.

On the Buda side we walked up the steep hill to the castle district. It isn’t a medieval castle, but a collection of impressive 18th and 19th century buildings constructed for the Hapsburg Emperors of Austria Hungary. The amazing fact is that some of the buildings that look old are in fact very new and were built to replace demolished buildings.

Short History Lesson

Hungary started off in WW2 on the German side. They were getting thrashed by the Allies, so started negotiations to change horse mid-race. The Nazis didnt like that so invaded and treated the country extremely badly (it’s a grim story you can read on Wikipedia). At the end of the war many of the buildings on castle hill were badly damaged, but still standing. In 1971 the Communist government demolished several of them. 

Those buildings are now being rebuilt as perfect copies of the old ones, and they are stunning. It shows that the old crafts are not dead.

These 2 are new buildings

At the northern end of the castle hill is Fishermans Bastion, which was built at the end of the 19th century as a panoramic look-out spot. It rivals some of those castles in Bavaria for its fairy tale castle look.

 The views across the Danube are stunning, especially as the Parliament building catches the setting sun.

Culture makes you thirsty as well, and we found a cafe half way down the hill for a glass of wine.

FACT

Hungarian wine tastes pretty much like any other wine, nice.

Interrail Admin

Interrail isn’t all site seeing and drinking wine you know. we also have to book rail trips and find accommodation. Having gazed at our Rail Map of Europe and deciding which city next, we find a train to get there. That is fairly easy using the Interrail app on our phones that also creates the QR code ticket. For long distance journeys we also make a separate Seat Reservation. For Germany, Austria and Hungary we use the Deutche Bahn website, which is quite good (but not perfect).

The most difficult job is finding accomodation on Booking.com and AirBnB which is in the right place and fits our budget. We prefer a kitchen and washing machine so we dont have to eat out and have clean undies.

All this took 3 hours and lots of swearing this morning. Then the knob-end we booked with in Salzburg said his flat was no longer available. Grrrrrrrr!!!

Monday 18 September

This morning we took a “free” walking tour of Pest with Matt. Free means you give what you think it’s worth at the end of the tour. Pest (pronounced Pesht) was undeveloped until the Chain Bridge was opened in 1849. It was designed by British engineer James Tierney Clark and is a scaled up version of his design for Marlow Bridge.

The nice bits of Pest are all late 19th century buildings when Buda had joined with Pest to make a single city. The Hapsburg Empress loved Budapest and influenced Emperor Franz Joseph to improve the capital. She was known as Sisi, and has a similar status to Princess Diana in Austria and Hungary. There have recently been a Netflix series and a film about her, she was quite a live wire compared to her rather conservative husband.

Sisi

Matt took us to St Stephen’s church, which is built in a Baroque style like St Pauls in London but wasn’t finished until 1905. Parts of it collapsed twice, killing two of the architects. Quite Darwinian really, it prevented them from designing any more terrible buildings,

Matt showed us the “Statue of Liberty”, an eagle (the Nazis) attacking an angelic figure (Hungary). It was put up over night under police protection. The memorial is controversial since it show Hungary as a victim of the Nazis. In fact they joined the war as Nazi partners, 80,000 died in a day in Stalingrad. They tried to change sides in 1943 and were then occupied by the Nazis, who sent 400,000 Jews and minorities to Ausweitz. In 1945 they were occupied by the Soviets who controlled Hungary until 1989, and they are still recovering from it.

The walk ended at the Parliament Building, which is  “the third largest Parliament in the world”. Its very impressive, and looks better from the Fishermens Bastion.

In the afternoon we walked down to the huge Central Market, a huge cast iron shed, similar to those in Leeds and Newcastle. On the first floor are lots of stalls selling Hungarian food. I had Beef Goulash, with noodles. It was huge, very tasty and good value, about £9 for the best beef stew I have eaten. Possibly.

On the way back to the flat for a serious sit down, we bought a Chimney Cake. These are cyclindrical spirals of dough, cooked to golden brown. They taste like a Cinnamon Roll and are bloody gorgeous. Honestly, better than good.

I washed my smalls in the sink and hung them off the lighting to make a tasteful mobile called “Pants in Motion”.

It’s art, init?

In the evening we went to a Ruin Bar in the Jewish Quarter. We had a slightly overpriced drink in a trendy bar. It was alright, but honestly I’ve had better beer in a Spoons. Yes, I’m a pleb.

A ruin bar

Tuesday 19 September

We are now 2 weeks into our adventure in Europe. This is an “unpackaged” holiday, there is no charming courier to take us on a coach to our hotel and organise tours for us. So we spend hours each day planning the next leg of the trip, and the one after that. Our original plan was to go from Salzburg to Innsbruck, but it’s going to be raining in Innsbruck so we will go straight through to Verona.

It’s raining in Budapest this morning, so we are doing our admin. I went to Aldi nearby where they have bread that looks like dildos. I bought flat bread in a plastic bag, no chance of miss-use.

Ooh err missus…

Once it stopped raining we go the metro line M1 to City Park, a couple of miles away. The metro is the oldest in continental Europe, built in 1896. That’s more than 30 years after London, they took their time didn’t they ? It look like it has barely been modernised since.

The park is very lovely, with several Hapsburg era buildings and some strikingly modern ones. 

The metro stops at Szechenyi baths, the grandest of the thermal baths in the city. I didn’t go in, I didn’t fancy sharing a hot bath with other people drinking beer. I know what people do when they drink beer.

The thermal baths

Nearby is a mock castle with an agricultural museum in it. Didn’t go in their either, I got museumed-out in Munich on the very rainy day.

A mock castle, a bit like in Cardiff

The House of Music is a very modern concert hall with a fantastic ceiling and staincase. Like most arty places it had excellent toilets, so I had a quality metropolitan elite piss.

The most interesting building is the Ethnographic Museum, which has a dish shaped roof that is also a garden. It looks better than I have described it. Inside it has a huge architectural model of Budapest showing all of the city city. The Ethnographic collection didn’t appeal, that’s a rainy day trip I think.

The sloping museum roof

It’s our last night here, so we went down to the Danube to enjoy the view of the castle and have a beer.

We had dinner in a Mexican cafe, a delicious Budapest Burrito. 

Munich Germany 2023

Tuesday 12 September

For the last time we got the tram from Jean Jaunes stop to Gare Central and caught the 9.50 2 coach train to Appenweier. There is precisely bugger-all at Appenweier, and we had to wait 50 minutes for the Karlsruhe train, which was 10 minutes late. We sat next to 2 German ladies on there way to see a Tina Turner show in Stuttgart. They assured us that German trains are often late or cancelled, which made me feel better, I think they called it Schadenfreude. 

At Karlsruhe we raced to platform 7 and got on the Munich high speed train with 5 minutes to spare. Phew.

Twas a very pleasant journey on the fast train, at one time we were going at 250kph.

high-speed Tintin hair

Munich station had the biggest model railway shop I have ever seen. The prices are eyewatering, the tiny trains are hundreds of euros each. I liked this tiny model of a wedding couple on a Scooter.

 At the station in Munich we found the S Bahn platform for Oberschliesenheim where the AirBnB is. But all the trains on line S1 were all cancelled, so we took an alternative route via Dachau. 

In Britain we only know Dachau for one reason. Now it is a pleasant suburb with a Memorial Centre.

After arriving at our flat we walked to a Lidl 5 minutes away. It was like a warm embrace from an old friend. I’m sure the prices were half what we spent in Paris, especially the Primitivo Pugilio for under 3 euros.

I was dead chuffed, and I am now in a state of considerable  relaxation.

There is a huge TV, and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is ready to go, so over and out.

Saw the film, it was a loada tosh. But I am at least 50 years older than the target audience.

Wednesday 13 September 

We have a lovely big flat in Oberschleisheim, very modern, cool and spacious. Much better than the hot and cramped places we had in Paris and Strasbourg. Our preference is somewhere with a kitchen so we can cook for ourselves and do some laundry.

It’s also literally 5 minutes from Schleisheim Palace which was built for the Bavarian Royal Family in the 17th Century. 

The new palace is vast, and the style is Baroque and similar to Versailles and Hampton Court. There are dozens of huge rooms furnished with tapestries and damask wall coverings. They are hung with hundreds of pictures including masterpieces by Ruebens, Van Dyke and Caravaggio.

But there was hardly anyone there. At times we had vast swathes of palace to ourselves. It cost us 8 euros to get in, compared to Blenheim Palace which cost £30 and is much smaller.

We needed a coffee after all that culture,  and found a cafe outside. There were more people there than inside the palace, and they were all drinking large mugs of beer. They were eating large plates of food, and it wasn’t a lightly dressed salad. Very different for yer average National Trust Tearoom. 

I was green with envy, but I knew that if I ate and drank like that I would be catatonic for the rest of the day. 

In the afternoon we visited the nearby Schleisheim aircraft museum, a collection of old planes in 3 big hangers, much more my kinda thing.

I wanted to steal this one for the RAF, but I had no  wings.

There were 2 more museums we visited because we had bought combined ticket. The Altes Schloss (old castle) was full of models of nativity scenes, dozens and dozens of them.

A nuns delight, but  really boring.

Lustheim Schloss was all porcelain, interesting for 10 minutes and totally deserted. I didn’t take any pictures so imagine a nice plate with flowers on it.

There was a huge thunderstorm when we walked back to the flat and we got soaked. But it made a change from being roasted.

Thursday 14 September

We took the S1 train into the Central station and then walked to Marienplaz, the main square of the city. It is dominated by the Neuesrathaus, the gothic town hall. Close by is the twin towered Frauenkirche Cathedral, which is quite plain and undecorated compared to others we have seen. I’ve seen a lot of cathedrals (I have a list if you are interested), and they do get a bit samey. 

Munich is gearing up for the Octoberfest which starts on Saturday, Europe’s biggest piss up. The shops have lots of Bavarian costumes, which don’t come cheap. A pair of lederhosen start at 200 euros and can go up to 1000 euros.

Suits you sir 

Close to the square is Viktualenmakt, which is a food market a bit like Borough Market, but with many more pubs. We went to a restaurant called Bratwurstherzl for lunch, I had  Schnitzel and a pint of helles lager very nice. Better than the bacon and cabbage on Strasbourg.

After lunch we visited the place we should have actually gone for lunch, the Hofbrauhaus. It’s a giant beer keller that can hold over a thousand people. Naturally they had a umpah band, and outside was a splendid dray with 4 horses.

In Odeonspaltz there were dozens of armed policemen. Julie saw a miniature soldier and asked him “wassup”. Turns out there was a military passing out parade and the Prime Minister of Bavaria was there. The cops were there to guard the soldiers. There were tall soldiers as well.

FUN  FACTS

Bavaria  (a state of Germany) has a population of 13 million and Austria (an entire country) has a population of 8 million.

The biggest park in Munich is the Englishen Garten, and running through it is a very fast running river called the Eisbach. It is a very popular surfing spot. Just close to a bridge is a standing wave which  surfers take turns to ride.

It is great fun to watch and some of the surfers are really good. They spent more time upright than anyone I have seen surfing on the sea, and then got another go at it 10 minutes later. The river runs remarkably quickly, i can’t think of anywhere in London where it would be possible. You are lucky to get good game of Pooh Sticks on the River Crane.

Friday 15 October

There’s probably 3 things that Munich is internationally famous for: the Octoberfest, Bayern Munich and BMW. Europes biggest party starts on Saturday, just as we are leaving, so we will miss that. Football – ask anyone who knows me – is an alien world to me. Some people would say that I’m not interested in cars, so to confound them all, I went to BMW Welt. 

Basically it is a big flashy car and motorbike showroom for the Munich monster of automotive engineering. It’s also free to get in, which is nice. They have most of the latest models of BMW, Rolls Royce and Mini cars there to be admired and purchased if you wish. It was interesting to get up close to massive status symbols, including a BMW with bodywork that changes colour. It looked very tacky, but I’m sure the young princes from the Gulf that rev up and down Kings Road would love one.

Lady Penelope’s Roller

I sat on an 1800cc Transcontinental motorbike, and it was very comfortable, as motorbikes go. It was quite good fun to look round for an hour, but the cars  didnt really excite me much and wouldn’t look right in a Lidl carpark.

On ma new hog

BNW Welt (world) is next door to the Olympic Park, so we wandered around that. It was built for the 1972 Olympics on a site where all the rubble from the destruction of Munich in the war was built. The rubble was beautifully landscaped with hills and a lake, and still looks great 50 years later. We had lunch in a cafe in the Olympic pool where Mark Spitz won 6 Golds for swimming. My toasted cheese and ham focaccia was over-baked into a cheesy brick, but it was just about edible.

There is a 60 metre tall hill with great views over Munich and the BMW tower and factory. In the past it has been used for winter sports events. It is also made of rubble, and is about the same height as Richmond Hill.  It’s a lovely place to sit on a bench and enjoy the views of the park and the BMW complex of buildings.

Some men like football, some like drinking large amounts of beer. My particular weakness is a science museum, and Munich has a bloody good one. The Deutsches Museum sits on an island in the river Isar, and matches the London Science Museum in size. There is a great aircraft and rocket section, I love a good rocket. The other surprisingly interesting department was on bridges and hydrology. It was full of astonishingly good models of bridges underconstruction. I now know how an 18th Century French basket-arch bridge is constructed, and if we ever meet you at a party I can tell you in detail.

My favourite exhibit was the first reinforced concrete building in Germany, which is a dog kennel. How bizarre.

Fortuntely they chucked us out at 5pm, or I would still be there now. I really am that geeky.

Julie and I went our separate ways in the museum because she is fed up with aeroplanes, but happily we were reconciled in the sunshine afterwards and she made me buy her an Aperol Spritz. I had a helles lager because I’m a cheap date.

Strasburg France 2023

Saturday 9 September

The neighbours had a party at 2am last night, which kept us awake for hours. The bastards were having a really good time, and I wasnt! So we have been a bit tired and narky today.

It took just 2  hour from Gare L’Est station to Strasbourg, which in on the Rhine on the border with Germany. It has been part of Germany several times, so has a distinctive look and feel compared to Paris.

Our accomodation is a bit out of town, so we left our bags in left luggage and explored the city. The city centre feels spacious and prosperous, lots of it is pedestrianised and has more bikes and trams than cars.  The old part of the city is encircled by rivers, and is full of old squares and quaint old buildings that look much more German than French. The River Ill surrounds the Grand Ile, which is a bit confusing.

The cathedral is quite spectacular and the tower in 142m, 466 feet tall. it was the tallest building in the world until 1874. But in the spirit of completeness I have to say that Lincoln Cathedral was 160m (525 ft) until 1548 when the spire fell down. So in my opinion Lincoln was the champion, but Strasbourg scored in extra time.

The city centre is very pretty and very busy with tourists, I think that Rhine cruises stops there, so lots of senior citizens all enjoy the city at the same time.

In the afternoon it was very hot (again) so we scuttled into a museum like crabs caught in the sunshine. The Rohan Museum is a fine building built for the Prince Bishops of Strasbourg, four of whom were from the Rohan family. The archeological museum in the pleasingly cool basement is worthy, full of Roman remains, but has all the fun of a February Sunday in the 1960’s i.e. a bit dull.

So we got our bags and hopped on the D line tram to our suburban i.e.  cheaper flat. It’s fine, and has an Auchan supermarket nearby.

Sorry, I’m to hot and tired to write entertainingly this evening.

Sunday  10 September

Strasbourg is exceptionally pretty, with many half timbered buildings close to rivers and quaint squares lined with restaurants. We followed a recommended route on a map Julie got from the tourist information office near the cathedral. It went to all the most picturesque sites in the Grand Isle.

The district called Petite France has several bridges over the Ill river (it is ill, not 111 like Napoleon III). There river is fast moving so there are former water mills and a lock to let the Batobus tour boats get through.

There are 3 tall brick towers which were part of the fortications, and a Covered Bridge that no longer has a cover (it’s complicated). 

The Barrage Vaudan is a dam with sluices in it which would allow defenders of Strasbourg to flood part of the city if it got invaded. It sounds bonkers to me, and clearly didn’t stop the Germans 3 times in 1870, 1914 and 1940.

We had a huge burger in the Abattoir bar, not the best name for an eating place, but the beef was very fresh.

After lunch we had a quick walk around Neustadt, the new district built by the Germans on grand imperial style after they took Stratsbourg in 1870.

Eet ees ver ver ot, as they say in French. So I am tapping this out with one finger in the Parc d’Orangerie, which is very beautiful. The gardens are in full bloom and the lawns look perfectly verdant.

Strasbourg has a fantastic public transport system of modern trams and buses and many cycle path. I got a 24 hour pass for trans and buses for 3.70 euros, which is cheap and convenient.

Monday 11 September

So what do you do when you have seen Strasbourg? You go to Colmar because it’s only 30 minutes away on the train and it’s like Strasbourg but condensed.

Also since we have our Interrail passes it’s very easy to take another journey. Basically I find the journey on the Interrail app, tap a digital switch and hey presto a digital ticket appears that I can show the train guard. Simples.

Colmar looks like a film set, the old town is full of colourful half timbered buildings with a picture perfect river running through it.

Versions of it have inspired villages in the films Beauty and the Beast and Howls Moving Castle, and many fairy tale books.

This is called the Pfister House.  Honestly.

Consequently it is busy with visitors and those little tourist road trains that transport the less able and less slender around town.

It’s much smaller than Stratsbourg, so in 3 hours we had seen the town and had lunch. I thought I would try Choucroute for lunch, which I supposed to be a local speciality. It is a heap of sauerkraut with one potato, topped with 6 types of processed pork.  I ate it all, I’m pleased I ate it, but I don’t want to eat it again.

Hot pig and salty cabbage mmmmm

Returning to Strasbourg we went to the Museum of Alsace which is housed in old houses by the River Ill. It was somewhere to go in the shade, and is a collection of rooms with old furniture and domestic furnishings in it. It was moderately interesting, but not exactly fun.

Go there if it’s raining, baking hot or if you love old French stoves.

We have been self catering quite a lot in our rented flats, it’s too expensive to eat out all the time. But I mustn’t moan, I’m having a wonderful time!

Alsace is a useful transition to Germany, and tomorrow we are going the whole hog (more bacon) and travelling to Munich.

Tenerife 2020

The north of Tenerife is a green and mountainous region, ideal for a winter holiday

Tenerife

January 2020

Tenerife, brown in the south, green in the north

Tenerife is the biggest island in the Canaries, a group of Spanish islands off the coast of Morocco in the Atlantic ocean. It is a volcanic island with an area of almost 800 square miles and a population of about about 900,00. In the centre of the island is a huge volcano called Mount Teide, which is 3,718 metres tall and is the highest mountain in Spain.

We went there because the Canaries are just about the only place you can fly to by EasyJet in January where it is warm, about 20 degrees centigrade on the coast.

Puerta de La Cruz

We chose to stay in Puerta de La Cruz in the north of the island because it is in the most verdant part of the island and there are plenty of places to visit close by. The south of the island is a desert, both physically and culturally. The south is sunshine and beaches and a Full English for breakfast. The north is sunshine, beaches, old towns and mountainous forests.

It takes about an hour to get there on the motorway from the airport in the south of the island. There is an airport in the north, but British airlines don’t fly there directly.

Puerta de la Cruz (I’ll refer to it as Puerta) is a very touristy town with a huge number of  hotels and blocks of flats, but it does have a historic town centre and harbour. It’s easy to get La Laguna, Santa Cruz, La Oratava and Garachico by car or bus, so its central for all the northern towns. Loro Parque is in Puerto as well, which is the biggest single tourist attraction on the island.

We booked an Airbnb in the La Paz district which looked good on the map, near the city centre and close to the sea. In reality it was a thirty minute walk from the town centre, up a big hill, but it did have sea views. But there were plenty of restaurants and a supermarket close by, if we didn’t fancy the hike into town.

Puerto is very popular with German tourists, so if you enjoy Curry Wurst and lager, it’s an ideal destination. There are endless pizza restaurants, and plenty selling local Canarian and Spanish food. The local Dorada beer is really good and washes down fresh sardines very nicely.

Flats by our unused pool

Our flat had a sunny patio at the front and a shared pool which I didn’t use (but I should have). Unfortunately it was above a noisy cafe, where people were enjoying themselves very noisily, the bastards!

On the seafront there is Lago Martianez, which is an attractive group of seawater pools that I’m sure is lovely to lounge around if the weather is hot enough, but it was very gloomy and windy when we visited it.

Puerto seafront on a baaad day with waves battering the Lago Martinez

There is a small harbour (which was once the most important port on the island), and the main square, Plaza del Charco is close by which has many restaurants and bars.

Puerta has lots of flats, lots and lots

Botanic Gardens

The Jardin Botanico is a beautiful oasis amongst all the blocks of holiday flats. It was founded in 1788 on the orders of King Carlos III to provide a place to cultivate species from the tropics. It’s small compared to Kew, but you can easily spend a couple of hours wandering around the neat paths which are roughly in a grid pattern. 

I did wonder if visitors under sixty were barred at the gate by security men from Saga, but was pleased to see two young fellas looking at a palm tree with genuine interest.

Lord Howe Fig with adventitious roots

The most spectacular tree is a mighty fig from Lord Howe island in Australia. It has adventitious roots (remember that word for a pub quiz) growing down from the boughs, which take take root in the ground and become extra trunks to support the weight of the tree. 

There are some magnificent Norfolk Island Pines, which I have never seen taller than twenty feet in other parks. The pines I saw in the Jardin had trunks four feet in diameter and I couldn’t see the top, real monsters! I get strangely excited about big trees, it is kind of wierd.

As well as amazing trees there are many palms, yuccas, streletzias and figs. But there was no cafe! What kind of public garden has no cafe? All the English visitors were is a state of shock and semi-starvation looking for tea and cake. Perhaps Brexit isn’t a mistake after all.

Mount Teide from the Jardin Botanico

La Oratava

We attempted to walk up the hill to La Oratava from the Jardin, but soon discovered that there were no footpaths and it felt a bit dangerous sharing the road with busy traffic. So we took the 345 bus to La Oratava bus station, which took seven minutes, a much better way to travel. 

La Oratava is one of the oldest settlements in Tenerife, the area was inhabited by the Guanches people before the Spanish arrived, who lived in simple stone homes and caves. It is a very pretty town, with many historic houses and civic buildings built on the slopes climbing towards Mount Teide. There are great views of the sea and Puerta de la Cruz below, which used to be the port of La Oratava.

Houses in La Oratava

The tourist information provided a very useful map that we used to find our way round the historic parts, which go back to the sixteenth century. The old houses have big wooden doors and carved wooden balcony’s in the typical Canarian style. There is a small Botanic garden behind the Ayuntamiento (the town hall), but the nearby Jardin Victoria is outstanding, a terraced garden that climbs up the slope with a Masonic Mausoleum at the top. 

Victoria Gardens with attractive visitors

Near the Plaza de San Francisco some public laundry troughs have been restored. It’s close to an aqueduct which brought water down from the mountains. Next to it is the Molina de Chano, a mill which was powered by water but is now electrically driven. The mill produces Gofio, a flour made from toasted grains which was eaten by the Guanches and is still popular today.

Old laundry, Gofio mill and historic images of the aqueduct that supplied them with water

The streets of La Oratava are steep and cobbled, and the locals treat it as a rally course. It probably explains why we saw no English tourists on mobility scooters.

I would highly recommend La Oratava, there is a lot to see, and many great bars and cafes and surprisingly few tourists.

Scenic Drive Through Tenerife

A blogger said that one of the best drives on the island was from El Portillo to La Laguna, so we gave it a try. Julie drove the rented Polo and I navigated i.e. I did what Google told me to do.

Stick to the TF 21

Our route was the TF21, which goes through La Oratava and then goes wiggly wiggly up the lower slopes of Mount Teide. It was incredibly windy, and Google took us up a stupidly steep hill (Camino La Canadas to be exact) to cut off a bend on the T21 to save a few miles. It was one of those “Oh Shit!” moments when we hoped nothing was coming down the hill. We crawled up it in first gear to rejoin the main road at the top. Google was sent to her room for being naughty, and after that, and we just used the map, old style.

We stopped at a cafe near Aguamansa for a coffee and met two cyclists from Hereford who were cycling from the sea up to the cable car, which at about 7,000 feet up. Nutters.

View of Puerta from the TF 21 raod

Once we were above the tree line (and the clouds) the landscape looked like a desert with scrubby vegetation. Further up it looked like the surface of Mars and I expected to see Matt Damon struggling in his space suit trying to get home. Raquel Welch encountered stop-motion dinosaurs here is the classic sixties SF movie “One Million Year BC”.

One of these people is me, one is Matt Damon and the other is Raquel Welch – work it out

The area surrounding Mount Teide (it rhymes with Lady) is the caldera of a previous massive volcanic eruption, it is very other-worldly.

Look out for dinosaurs!

At  La Portillo there is an excellent visitors centre with a “Botanic Garden” which is a series of paths between small hills of basalt and ash planted with all the local plants. It was beautifully sunny , there was no wind and not a sound to be heard, perfect silence. In the visitors centre there is a small museum about volcanoes and a film about the volcanic origins of Tenerife.

The botanic gardens at El Portillo

Further along the TF21 is Los Roques, which are big pinnacles standing up above the pumice plain surrounding Teide. There is also a Parador with a cafe and toilets, the only ones for miles around!

Martian landscape and two Martians
Clouds pouring over the mountains

The landscape is quite remarkable, with Teide towering up another fifteen hundred metres, with the cable car hanging onto the side of it. The rim of the caldera creates a circles of jagged hills surrounding Mount Teide. The clouds blowing from the east poured over the top of them into the caldera, it was so beautiful.

Cyclist at the Parador, he may have had devine assistance

The landscape is amazing, awesome and all that stuff, I was blown away by it’s magnificence. Cyclists take a perverse please in cycling up the mountain from the sea. It takes about four hours going up, and I’m sure the going down is much quicker!

We drove back to El Portillo and took the TF24 towards La Laguna along the high spine of Tenerife. I passed the astronomical observatory with eleven different telescopes at about two thousand three hundred metres, with mostly clear skys.

Did you know that Brain May from Queen wants his ashes to be scattered there? True fact, you can Google it.

Brian May’s last resting place. Once he has died of course.

The views from the TF24 are supposed to be excellent both sides of the island, but all we saw was clouds below us. But it is a lovely winding road through pine and eucalyptus forests gradually down to La Laguna and the TF5 motorway back to Puerto de La Cruz.

On the FT 5 on the way pack to Puerto, a para-glider flew over the motorway.Fortunately he didn’t hit the lamp post or the pine tree!

Loro Parque

According to TripAdvisor, Lord Parque is the No. 1 zoo in the world, which is quite a recommendation. It is also advertised on most of the buses and litter bins in Puerto, so it is a very big deal.

It was pricey to get in at 39 Euros, but we stayed there for over six hours and had a wonderful time!

Loro Parque means parrot park in Spanish, and there is a huge collection of them in cages and an huge aviary with an aerial walkway in which you can get close to the birds at feeding time. There is also a great collection of other creatures in a relatively compact area. It is beautifully landscaped and well maintained, with plenty of cafes with reasonably priced food and drink (which was a pleasant surprise).

King Penguins, Flamingos, Parrots and an Egret
Giant Anteater, part-broom, part-vacuum cleaner

We made the most of the day and saw the Orca Show, the Parrot Show, the Dolphin Show and the Sealion Show, which were all good fun. The most lively performers were the leaping dolphins, but the Orcas made the biggest splash, soaking the people in the front rows. The big mammals and reptiles mostly just sat there and slept or watched us watching them. The Giant Anteater was very lively, and took the prize as the most bizarre looking creature.

Sea Lions, Sleeply Lion, Capybara, Shark, Coral being cultivated and Garden Eels
Penquin World, above and below water

Most zoos have a concrete pond painted white for the penguins. Loro Parque had a huge indoor environment for its collection with constant “Snow” falling from the ceiling and a slow travelator that took you around the enclosure, it was very clever. It was also very whiffy, you could smell the penguins fishy pong before getting into the enclosure.

The most impressive area for me was the huge aviary with a treetop walkway. We arrived at feeding time and saw parrots, cockatoos and egrets close up eating their rations of vegetables and seeds. They are very colourful and vocal, it was great getting so close up to them.

There is also an amazing aquarium with a tunnel beneath a tank of sharks, rays and groupers, it was like diving without all the annoying scuba business!

Loro Parque did live up to its reputation, and it was the best zoo I have been to. I understand all the ethical reasons for not having zoos, but I did enjoy it and felt slightly bad at the same time. But I have now seen Sea Lions, Penguins, Dolphins, Tortoises, Parrots, Orcas and Iguanas, so I don’t have to fly to the Galapagos. Think of all the air miles I am saving, I’m sure Greta Thunberg is proud of me.

On our way back home we had some fish for dinner, followed by churros and hot chocolate at Churreria Perdomo. Churros are doughnut mixture extruded into hot oil to make long crisp cakey things. Fattening and delicious, ‘Food of the Gods!’

Mmm churros…

Anaga Park

In the north west corner of Tenerife is the Anaga Park, a wild region of forested mountains almost a thousand metres high. The TF 12 road from La Laguna to the Visitor Centre at Cruz de Carmen is very windy and narrow. Passing the big tour coaches on the narrow road is quite nerve-wracking, but it’s worth the drive.

There are many different walks you can take from Cruz de Carmen, and we chose a five kilometre hike through the forest. The type of forest is called Laurisilva, an ecosystem that covered large parts of Europe before the Ice Ages, but now only found in fragments in Madeira and the Canaries. It’s a type of cloud forest of evergreen trees like laurels and heathers which grow to tree-size. It’s unusual and very cool, in both senses of the word!

Laurisilva forest

There are several Miradors in the area, view-points with parking. Close to the visitor centre you can look out over La Laguna, and at Zapata you can see the sea on both sides of Tenerife. You can watch planes landing at the Northern Airport. This airport used to be called Los Rodeos, and was where five hundred and eighty three people were killed when two Boeing 747 aircraft collided in fog in 1977, which remains the worst crash in history.

Zapata Mirador – me and Julie with La Laguna in the distance

In the afternoon we drove down the mountain to Punta del Hidalgo on the north coast. It is best know for its modern lighthouse which is fifty metres tall and finished in 1992. The town itself is mostly holiday flats overlooking a rocky coast. There is a hiking trail from the coast all the way up to Cruz de Carmen.

There are a few restaurants on the sea front, and we parked ourselves in the sunshine for some beer (me) and Coke (Julie who was driving) and fresh sardines with wrinkly potatoes. Bliss.

Santa Cruz

There’s a line in “Withnail and I” from Richard E. Grant who pathetically exclaims, ‘We’ve gone on holiday by mistake”. I wanted to say that when we went to Santa Cruz, the capital of Tenerife instead of La Laguna.

It was a bit of an omnishambles day. The bus to La Laguna was late and full, so we stood all the way. The bus stopped at La Laguna tram station, but we didn’t realise where we were, so had an unplanned visit to Santa Cruz instead.

Brad Pitt’s helmet/concert hall

The capital has all the charm of Croydon on a wet Sunday. On the sea front is an enormous  concert hall that looks like a Greek helmet, not a practical design I would imagine. I suspect the architect thought Brad Pitt looked rather cute in his helmet in “ Troy” and then fitted an auditorium into his concept.

Brad Pitt’s helmet (fnaar fnaar)

Next to the helmet concert hall is another set of lakes designed by Cesar Manrique, like the ones at Puerto. They would be lovely on a summers day, but it wasn’t sunny or warm when we were there. It was the only day I wore shorts, and it was bloody cloudy.

I was sulking a bit on that day, can you tell?

We wandered aimlessly until we found a pretty street (possibly the only one) with some restaurants in it. Bonvieda had lots of people and an interesting menu so we plonked ourselves down there and hoped for the best.

Iberian Secret and me waiting for dinner, being a bit sulky
Maybe it just secretes in that region when it’s hot

An item on the menu stood out, Iberian Secret. Google gave a description as “armpit of a pig” which appealed to me. The delightful waiter recommended it, so I went for it. It was short strips of grilled pork on a bed of sauteed potatoes and apple, and it was unusual and quite tasty. 

In a slight food coma after dinner, we went round the Museum of Nature and Man, which was all in Spanish and a bit underwhelming. It covers the natural history of the island and its archeology. The inhabitants of Tenerife  before the Spanish arrived were the Guanches, who are thought to be related to Berbers. Inevitably the invaders killed them all, and the museum displays their pottery and mummified remains, which are quite gruesome.  Not recommended after an Iberian Secret.

La Laguna

Having exhausted the limited delights of Santa Cruz we took the bus up the hill to La Laguna, the oldest town in Tenerife. It is set out on a grid of streets which they probably copied from Milton Keynes some time in the 16th century. There are lots of old buildings and bars, but on an overcast Sunday afternoon it wasn’t exactly hopping with Latin joy and exuberance.

Multi-Coloured Cropped Shops in La Laguna

There are many colourful old buildings to enjoy, but I think our day had already peaked with Pigs Armpit.

Garachico

A thirty minute drive to the west of Puerto de la Cruz is Garachico. We got there early (10.20 am), before it started to fill up with coach tours and still retained its charm.

It is a very pretty small town on the coast which was once the most important port in Tenerife, shipping out sweet  Malmsey wine to Europe and America. But on May 5th 1706 the Trevejo volcano erupted and poured lava into the harbour completely filling it and destroying its trade.  Mostly the shipping moved to Puerto de la Cruz, and Garachico lost it’s leading role. The old gate to the port has been excavated and stands in a small but very pretty park. The old castle protecting the harbour was missed by the lava flow and still stands protecting the sunbathing area from pirate attacks.

Castle, storm damage in 2018, the old port gate and an illustration of the eruption

There is a lovely central square with a church and some grand buildings and cafes.  The are some pretty narrow streets, and a seafront with seawater bathing and places to sun bathe. The town was bashed around a bit by storms a couple of years ago, but has recovered now.

I left my heart, in Garachico

A few hundred metres up a hill to the west of the centre, is a look-out point with an unusual statue of a man carrying a suitcase and a hole in his chest. It is said to represent one of the many emigrant who left Garachico for Venezuala and left their hearts behind.

A Good Place for a Winter Holiday

We had a very good time in Tenerife for a week. Being ancient, we didn’t really sample the night life, but I’m sure there was plenty to do in Puerto at night. I took my Chromecast with me so settled on the sofa in the evening with Netflix, beer and snacks.

There are loads of things to do for a week in January. The weather isn’t really hot, but there were plenty of sunbathers on the beaches and even a few people swimming.

Best of all you can fly from Gatwick in the morning when it’s literally freezing, and be in warm sunshine just after lunch in Tenerife.

Lanzarote 2019

Day 1 Thursday 24th January

Bloody hell it was cold at five fifteen this morning when I was scraping the ice off the Qashqai. Our flight from Gatport Airwick was at seven forty, so we had to get up at stupid-o-clock on the coldest day of the year. 

The EasyJet flight was late taking off but made up the time with a tailwind and landed at the scheduled time. I sat next to a talkative man who loved telling me all about his wonderful life, preventing me from reading about even more about Brexit in my free copy of the Times.

20190124_081347-1
Leaving frosty Gatwick

At Arrecife airport, we collected an Opel Corsa from Autoreisen, which was great once we found out how to start the car (you hold the accelerator to the floor before turning the ignition key).

Julie drove slowly and carefully while I wrangled the Google Maps. Normally I have a good relationship with Google, but today it behaved like a bitch. I think Google must have heard about my flirtation with Alexa and was annoyed with me. My phone kept telling me to follow signs for Aeroporto, but there were no signs for the sodding Aeroporto! We drove round in circles for a short while and I swore at the phone and figured out which way to go. But I am “Tim the Navigator” (self-appointed), and found the LZ2 road to Playa Blanca. Julie confidently drove us there following the instructions from an AI somewhere in Seattle.

Then I got us lost again in Playa Blanca. The instructions we had been sent on how to find the apartment were shit (IMHO) and I had to phone the AirBnB agent to get directions to the flat. Anyway, after a short tour of Papagayo, it all came good and we met Karen at the door and got moved into the flat. It was literally spitting distance from the beach with big French windows that open up and a great view of Fuerteventura in the distance.

Our flat, top left above Romantica

First things first, we had a lovely sleep for an hour, before walking along the prom to see what’s up in Playa Blanc. Lots of restaurants and shops, that’s what’s up. There is a harbour full of fishing boats and a quay where the Fred Olson Express ferry approached at substantial speed, swivels on its twin hulls and backs into the quay. Every time it does this the ferry generates big waves which wash the beach and alarms paddlers. It rapidly disgorges its load of lorries and cars, ready to fill up again and go back to Fuerteventura.

Our flat with the ferry on the sea

We stopped at the Superdino to buy some vital supplies of groceries and San Miguel, at roughly twice the price of our local Lidl back home. Julie was still feeling lousy, so we had a sandwich for dinner and watched some bad TV in the flat before an early night.

Day 2 Friday 25th January

When I woke up the sun was shining and the promenade was empty, so I got my running gear on and went for a run along the seafront. It was most enjoyable, compared to running around the cold streets of Twickenham.

Playa Blanc promenade and beach

Julie had done the washing up when I got back (ideal) and had the kettle on. As seasoned travellers, we know that having breakfast out means either a fry-up or pastries, neither of which fit in with our current healthy-eating , post-Christmas lifestyle. We are fat and don’t want to get any fatter. So we ate the Asda meusli we brought with us, with some yoghurt and fruit that was left in the fridge.

We walked east along the promenade to the marina. There is a strip of restaurants along the front with menus in several languages. They are interspersed with souvenir shops selling wind chimes, dream catchers and all sorts of other useless tat. Lanzarote (named after a Genoese bloke called Lancelot) is very volcanic, so there are few proper trees and no grass. The flower beds appear to be made up of crushed clinker and no proper soil. Cacti thrive, and there are poinsettias growing outside in thew black gravel. There are a few little Dunlins running around on the beach, but the only land wildlife I saw was this lizard.

Atlantic Lizard

At the end of the promenade is a big marina and more up-market hotels and cafes. Beyond that are several beaches, we’ll save those for another day.

Dorada Beach, Playa Blanca

We had a sandwich for lunch with some San Miguel, and then a nap because we could! The sun was shining in the afternoon, so we walked for about a minute to get to the beach outside the flat. I had a swim with my goggles on and saw loads of fish around the rocks in the cold clear water. I sat against the wall and read my paperback, Bruce Dickinson’s autobiography. I have never been an Iron Maiden fan, but I do like rock music and aeroplanes, like Bruce.

We had dinner La Romantica, which is right underneath our flat. It was recommended on TripAdvisor, and both the service and food was really good. The wine I chose was El Grifo, a local Malvesi white wine from central Lanzarote. It was good wine, but not outstanding.

Day 3 Saturday 26th January

After an uncomfortable sleep due to a stiff neck, I was woken by someone dragging furniture in the flat above, bastards!

But by Saturday I was properly oriented and ready to see some volcanos. Lanzarote is totally volcanic, and the greatest eruptions were between 1730 and 1736.

Lanzarote (thanks Google)

We set off before nine for Timanfaya National Park, which is about half an hour away by car up the LZ2 main road. The Park is entirely made up of extinct volcanos and lava fields, which are completely barren and in various shades of black and ochre, it looks like Mars. I kept expecting to see Matt Damon trudging aroiund in a spacesuit trying to find his way homeThe winding road leads up to what looks like the lair of a James Bond villain at the top of a mountain. You can’t walk or drive around the park on your own, you must take the coach tour which is included in the entry price (10€). The coach drove us on a winding narrow road across fields of lumpy black lava and red gravel which looks like it could have been thrown out from the volcanos last week.

The only thing growing is lichens which can survive on the bare rock, and one valley with some tussocks of hardy grass. The scenery is amazing, and it was well worth arriving early to avoid the later crowds.

Timanfya National Park

At the end of the forty-minute tour, the coach takes us back to the visitors centre. A park ranger puts some dead brash into a hole in the ground and it caught on fire immediately. Then he chucked half a bucket of water down a pipe in the ground and it exploded into a geyser of hot steam and made everyone jump!

Looking for Matt Damon

Inside the visitor’s centre, there is a twenty foot deep well exuding hot air, which bakes potatoes that sit on a grill over the hole.

Spuds baking over volcanic heat

Getting ahead of the crowd we dashed into the cafe for cafe con leche and a tortilla, which was bloody lovely. A nice man from Broadstairs sat next to us, who had paid more to hire his scooter for the week than we paid for our car! Schadenfreude is a wonderful thing.

After lava-land we went to the south west coast of the island to see the sites. First, we stopped at the Salinas de Janubio, photogenic salt pans which were good for a ten-minute viewing. A local travel blogger described it as one of the most beautiful places in the world, I think her world didn’t extend far.

Salinas and me

Then a bit further north is Los Hervidoros, a scenic part of the coast where the lava flows meet the sea. The sea beats against basalt cliffs and has carved out caves in the rocks. There are man-made viewing positions right over holes in the roofs of the caves, where you can look down into the swirling sea.

Sea cave at Los Hervidos

Back on the road again we went north to El Golfo, a pretty village full of seafood restaurants, and no golf courses!. Beer beckoned, so I had just a small one in a cafe next to the beach and watched the rollers bashing onto the beach – bliss.

The beach at El Golfo

It only took half an hour to drive back, the whole island is only thirty-six miles long. I had another swim to freshen up and saw plenty of fish around the submerged rocks. Our restaurant this evening was one the talkative man on the plane described to me, Typico Espanol. I had sardines and very substantial beef stroganoff, a proper belt-buster.

Day 4 Sunday 27th January

Last night I had horrible neck ache again. I writhed around in bed but the best thing for it was to swear and then find a comfortable position. In the morning Julie administered Ibruprofen and massages my neck, which made me feel better.

Karen, who had let us into the flat, suggested the market at Teguise as a Sunday destination. The drive from Yaisa through La Geria is very scenic and strange. It is the main Lanzarote wine district, which is like no other in the world. There is hardly any proper soil on the island, so the plant grow in volcanic gravel. Grape vines are planted in an individual pit in the black gravel, with a low stone semi-circular wall that protects it from the wind. Dew forms on the gravel and trickles to the bottom of the pit to feed the vine. Consequently, there is a low density of vines, but the wine they produce is very good.

Grapevine pits in La Geria

Teguise is the former capital of the island and is in the middle well away from the pirates and slavers that plagued Lanzarote for hundreds of years. There are four hundred stalls at the market, all of them selling stuff I don’t want. But it is a pretty town, and lively with the market and swarms of tourists who do want to buy tat. In a large square a row of caravans sold junk food to eager buyers, the sort of shit they sell outside of sports stadiums, Type Diabetes 2 on a plate.

Flamenco dance in the plaza in Teguise

Against all expectations, I actually bought something, a pocket-sized set of binoculars, from a nice African gentleman. I can now examine the ferry close up from the flat when arrives and departs several times a day. Yes I am a nerd, but I blame reading “Look and Learn” in the school library and watching “How” on TV.

The town is high on a hillside with excellent views of the surrounding countryside, and a small castle up on a hill. It appears to be one of the few places on the island with historic buildings.

Me Julie

After lunch, we drove back past the vineyards and avoided mocking any cyclists off their bikes. There were several recumbent cyclists pedaling using their arms lying flat on their machine. What a fucking stupid way to ride a bike!

The landscape is very weird and interesting, some parts look like a desert, other parts look like the world biggest fly-tipping site

The strange volcanic landscape

Back in Playa Blanca I read more of Bruce Dickinson’s life story in the sunshine and then went for a swim in the sea. It’s about as warm as the sea at Lyme Regis in the summer, i.e. freezing cold. But the water is beautifully clear and there are a few fish to see around the rocks; Turkish Wrasse, Sole and very pretty Bluefin Damselfish

Dinner tonight was at La Rustica, about two hundred yards from our flat. The pizzas were exceptionally good, and the waiter was attentive without being subservient. Dear Reader, I implore you to eat at La Rustica.


La Rustica, a restaurant with three walls

Day 5 Monday 29th January

Julie is learning to run using the “Couch to  5K” method, which is a combination of walking and running while listening to encouragement on an app. She usually goes out with her mate Rowena, but had to settle for me today. We walked and jogged to the marina and back, and then had scrambled eggs for breakfast.

The promenade and running route

It felt like a good idea to see another seaside resort, so we drove to Puerto Del Carmen half an hour east. It was my turn to drive the hired Corsa and I was fine with it. We parked in the hilly back streets and walked past the harbour and along the seafront. It’s much bigger than Playa Blanca, and has an unfeasible number of restaurants and tat shops. By the way, tat is stuff I’m not interested in buying, which is most stuff. There are several big beaches, and we came across a big group of people having a Scandinavian horseshoe tossing contest. Man, it was riveting.

Heart attack on a plate in Puerto del Carmen

For lunch, we had Chinese food, which made a change. Then we found a bench in the sunshine and read our books, we know how to have a wild time.

A pretty part of Puerto del Carmen

After we returned to Playa Blanca I went for a proper run along the prom to build up an appetite for another dinner at La Rustica. I had chicken and chips (with token salad) and it was bloody lovely.

Julie wouldn’t come with me into the Irish bar next door to our flat. Live music doesn’t really interest her, but I just love it! The singer was Gerry Cassidy, a really nice Irish guy in his fifties who can sing and play beautifully, as long as you like songs from the 60s and 70s.  He actually sang Matchstalk Men and Dogs, a catchy song but hardly a rock classic. The song was perfect for his audience of mostly men with white hair and no hair at all, I am somewhere in between the two. He sang with enthusiasm and love for the songs, and of course, I started singing along. Julie would have hated it.

He then sang “A Horse With No Name” by America, which has really daft lyrics (the first thing I met was a fly with a buzz) but a great melody and Gerry sang it so well “Oive been true the desert on a horse with no name..”.

Day 6 Tuesday 30th January

The north of Lanzarote beckons for further adventure. There is a cluster of interesting places to visit right up in the north of the island, about an hours drive away. Julie drove us up to Yaiza and then through La Geria where all the vineyards are, which is also the most popular route with cyclists. Lanzarote is very popular with cyclists since most of it can be reached in a day and the mountains aren’t enormous. The road wasn’t wide, so she had to slow down to get past them. After that a rubbish truck trundled along at 40 kph causing more baaad language from my driver.

The road wound up a big hill to a cafe at Los Helechos, with a fantastic view about 1700 feet down to the coast. We had cafe con leche and a big wee, which is always nice to do.

At Los Helechos with the coast and Haria behind

Then there was a zigzag road down the hill to Haria to visit the Cesar Manrique house and museum. Cesar is quite a geezer in Lanzarote, an overwhelming cultural figure on the island whose mark is everywhere across the island. He was an artist and architect who fought keep hi-rise hotels, which have blighted much of the Spanish coast, away from Lanzarote. He mostly succeeded, and buildings are mostly one or two stories and painted white. Little white boxes mostly (made of ticky tacky), which I find quite dull. His museum is the house he lived in until he was killed in his Jaguar in 1992 aged seventy-three.

His museum was OK, it was his house just as he left it. The art in the place is mostly other people’s rather than his own, I wasn’t inspired. But it’s about the only Culture on the entire island and as a member of the Metropolitan Elite (and possibly the Chattering Classes as well), I felt obliged to appreciate it.

A painting by Cesar Manrique

Lanzarote is entirely volcanic, and one of the features of that landscape are lava tubes. These are natural tunnels where liquid lava once flowed and emptied out, leaving a void. The Cuervo de Los Verdes is a seven-kilometre lava tube, that is partially open to tourists to explore. We were taken on a guided tour of the long cave by a guide who had won the first prize in All Spain Fast Talking Competition. She had a script to get through, and not quite enough time to do it. I love a good cave, but this didn’t have all the stalagmites and stalagmites that there are in limestone caves, and it was mostly dry and warm which was a novelty.

The cave has a low roof in some places, waiting to catch out tall tourists taking photos and not paying attention. That wasn’t me by the way. There is a surprise – and it’s a good one – in the cave, but I won’t spoil it by describing it here.

Los Cuervos de Verdes. This photo may be upside down, who can tell

Day 7 Wednesday 31st January

I had a short run/walk with Julie this morning and then had proper run between the harbour and marina and back home. After a shower and cuppa, we walked up the Montana Roja, our friendly local volcano behind the town. It’s 194 metres high, so it’s only a hill really, but it is a proper volcano with a crater. It takes about twenty-five minutes to walk up it, and there are wonderful views of Playa Blanca, Fuertaventura and up the coast to El Golfo. It’s also very windy at the top, so I was careful not to walk too close to the edge while I walked around the top of the crater.

Up the Montana Roya

The volcano is popular with local dog walkers, who allow their dogs to poop in the nature reserve and then leave it behind. That made me just a tiny tiny bit pro-Brexit.

The area of Playa Blanca is rapidly being expanded, and it’s all small white boxes on sale for between €200,000 and €500,000. Some are quite pretty with cactus gardens and a sea view, others are crammed together with just small patios and several miles from the town centre.

Lego houses on the outskirts of Playa Blanca

After all that exercise, we decided to have lunch on the seafront. I had a “large” San Miguel (400 ml, about ⅔ of a pint) and a tortilla (Spanish potato omelette). Because they cater to the English market, it came with chips!

After lunch, I started reading a book I found in the flat, “The Fox” by Frederick Forsyth. It’s an excellent thriller about spying and cybersecurity, very topical. After a bit of a rest, I went for my final swim in the cold Atlantic.

In Conclusion..

I had a great holiday for a week, I think I could have managed ten days in Lanzarote. The weather was good and the accommodation and restaurants were great as well. As winter holidays go, it was better than Hurghada in Egypt, but not as good a tropical destinations like Mirissa in Sri Lanka.

But Lanzarote is very light on beautiful old buildings, museums, art galleries, street life and the other things that make European destinations so worthwhile.

As an escape from nasty British weather for a week to eat pizza and drink beer it’s totally spot on!

The best times were spent in our flat with the doors open looking at the sea with a cold beer and olives (stuffed with anchovies) to hand.