Sicily 2024 – Taormina

Saturday 25th May

Taormina is a hilltop town between Catania and Messina, famous for being the location of a Netflix show about a glamorous hotel called White Lotus. It is high up on a mountain side with spectacular views of beach resorts beneath it and the Straits of Messina to the north.

Knowing that Taormina a very popular town, we took an early 8.30 bus from the Archimede bus station, a large expanse of drab concrete close to the train station in Catania. The bus stopped at the seaside town of Naxos before starting its climb to Taormina. The road is steep and windy, and I was very pleased not to be driving the bus up that switchback. At one stage it met another bus coming down the hill, which had to reverse back quite distance to let ours through.

By the time we arrived at the bus terminal it was raining hard, so we sheltered until the worst was over. Our cheap Siracusa umbrellas kept us slightly drier while we walked up to the main street in the town.

Julie enjoying the view in the rain

Have you ever been to Padstowe or St Ives in the summer? Taormina is very similar to those popular Cornish towns, narrow picturesque streets lined with upmarket shops and restaurants. There is a central high street, with side streets running at 90 degrees from it, both up hill and down hill. It is a very pretty town and it attracts thousands of visitors, so the streets are a stream of tourists buying capuccinos, gelato and fridge magnets.

It has both a small Roman theatre and a much bigger Greek theatre. The Roman one is free to see, but you have to pay to see the Greek one. But having seen the one in Siracusa, we didn’t want to pay to see another ruin.

The Roman (free) not the Greek (pay to view) theatre

We sheltered from the rain in a cafe and steamed like wet Labradors. After an Americano and a brioche the rain and stopped and we explored the small town. Looking over to Etna in the south i could see the cloud starting to rise with a promise of better weather.

The railway station on the coast

The town does have a lovely small civic park called the Villa Communale, a mixture of botanic garden and Peter Jackson film set. It was created by Florence Trevelyan, a Scottish lady who had an affair with the future King Edward VII and had to leave the country. It contains some fantastic folies, structures that look like they could have been built for a fantasy movie. They look great amongst the cacti, palm trees and exotic plants.

A folie in the Villa Communale

The main drag is very busy, but there is plenty to see in the side streets, as long as you keep out of the way of big taxis taking the wealthy to and from their hotels. We saw one beautifully painted house which extended the decoration to the scooter parked outside.

Taormini is a very pretty tourist trap, and a few hours was enough for me. Judging by the number of hotels and restaurants it is a very popular place to stay for a holiday. I have already bought a fridge magnet, and don’t want and overpriced lemoncello or white linen shirts. So we caught the 15.45 bus back to Catania.

On the way down we passed a Roman cemetery, the tombs looking like a row of pizza ovens.

Roman cemetery

In the evening we went to Ciaru i Mari restaurant for the third time, the staff are very friendly and attentive and the food is excellent. It is in a lively street behind the Bellini theatre, which attract two sets of diners. Between 7 and 10 the tourists come out to drink Spritz and eat fishy dinners. After that the locals come out and stay much later. I asked Andrea how the Sicilians mange to stay up late and then work the next day. His honest answer was “they don’t work”.

Sicily 2024 – Catania’s Markets

Friday 24 May

The weather has been consistently wonderful in Sicily, apart from the thunderstorm on the first day. So it has been very conducive to sitting in cafes, one of the many pleasures in going to Italy. Our first cafe was in Via Vitoria Emanuel, a very busy street where our flat is situated. It is in a big baroque mansion block, which has huge gates on the street and multiple gates to reach our staircase. The street is quite scruffy now and disfigured with graffiti, but would have been beautiful in its 18th century heyday.

We had a cappucino and walked the short distance down to Saint Agatha’s cathedral in the plaza. It is attractive without being impressive, as cathedrals go. There were flashy memorials to various dead bishops, who I’m sure were all very humble, modest men.

Humble Bishops in the Duomo

Just round the corner from the duomo is the fish market, which is quite an assault on the senses. There are dozens of stalls selling every type of Mediterranian fish, from tiny clams the size of a finger nail, to huge tuna and swordfish as thick as tree trunks. I have never seen such big fish being hacked to pieces by fishmongers with huge clevers. I wouldn’t get into a fight with one of those guys. There were plenty of stalls selling fresh oysters, and rows of restaurants selling seafood dinners. There appeared to be many more tourists (like me) taking photos than customers buying slabs of dark red tuna or swordfish for 10 Euros a kilo. The octopuses, squid and cuttlefish looked like deflated grey ballons on their marble slabs, when in life they are fantastic dynamic creatures of intelligence that can change their colour to blend in with their environment to hide from predators.

Mmm Swordfish

It was a short walk to Via Etnea, the main shopping street that runs from the cathedral towards Etna. After exhausting fish watching, we revived ourselves in a big cafe and drank Americano’s and watched people, always a good sport.

The fish market is compact and mostly fish, but close to the Piazza Stezicoro (where we met Ernesto yesterday) is the city’s main street market. It is the real living heart of the city, selling fruit, vegetables, meat, clothes, hardware and souvenirs. It is alive with the cries of competing stall holders trying to sell huge aubergines and radishes (I think) that are a metre long. As we shuffled our way through, we occasionally had to stand aside while a scooter came through loaded with ice for a stall. The fruit and vegetables were cheap and looked great, I think Rick Stein would be getting very excited if he was here.

Extremely long vegetables

At the end of the market was a street cafe called La Salumania, where we stopped for a panini and beer. It was possibly the best panini I have ever eaten, with crusty bread and a filling of bacon, salami and salad.

The world’s best paninis are served here

After lunch we ambled back to the flat for a little R&R. But what to do next? We had seen most of what was recommended in the Rough Guide and on Tripadvisor. A place we had seen was La Ciminiere, which was an old sulphur refining factory converted into a conference and cultural centre. It was about 15 minutes away on the coast near the bus station. It appeared to have had lots of money spent on it 30 years ago and is now rusting and looks dreadful, don’t go there. There just isn’t enough money in Catania to keep the city looking smart.

In the evening we went to Ciaru i Mari in Via San D’Orsolo, a seafood restaurant about 5 minutes walk from the flat. It was our second visit because it is such a good place. The staff speak excellent English and are very charming and helpful. I had swordfish (spada) and Julie had tuna (tonno), the best meal we have eaten in Sicily. Their chips were just awesome, and I am a very good judge of chips. The house wine was a Sicilian chardonnay for 15 Euros a bottle, bloody lovely. So I am now a very happy, and slightly drunk, boy.

Top Notch Fish and Chips

And finally, I saw this specialist butcher near the port. Anyone hungry?

Direct fron Blackpool…

Sicily 2024 – Mount Etna

Thursday 23 May

Expedition day today, the great ascent of the south face of Mount Etna. Most of the ascent was by mini-bus, and we didn’t get to the top, but it was further up than anyone else I know. Also we didn’t have Sherpas to carry our bags and I had to film everything myself on my phone.

We met our guide Ernesto by the Roman Amphitheatre that we sussed out yesterday. Five others joined us, a family from Toronto and a charming lady from Cape Town. It took a very pleasant hour of driving upward through pretty towns with narrow winding streets. Like all Sicilians, Ernesto drove like Mad Max trying to escape wild men in armoured quad bikes, very fast and with great confidence.

On the road to Etna

After an hour of zig zagging we reached base camp, Refugio Giovanni Sapienza. Ernesto takes his work as a mountain guide very seriously, and provided us with walking sticks (hiking variety, not broken leg variety) and gaiters. I have never worn gaiters before, but they are tight cuffs you wear round your calves to stop grit getting in your boots.

Then we walked up narrow tracks following Ernesto. The path was steep, narrow, and not solid underfoot. The surface was black volcanic cinders, surounded by cushions of attractive but spikey vegetation, definitly not for sitting on.

Ernesto leading the way

We plodded up and up and up until we got to the top of a ridge. We were treated to a fantastic view of the smoking summit of Etna, streaked with sulphure and a few patches of snow. Beneath us was the Val de Bove, an enormous expanse of black volcanic cinders hundred of metres long and wide covering a huge area of the slope of the volcano.

Val de Bove, its very black

At the top I found we had walked about a mile from the minibus. But it was all up hill, without Sherpas or complicated ladders n’shit.

The descent was less arduous, and we looked over Catania far below all the time. The last big eruption was in 2001, and the lava flows destroyed the road where our van is parked. At one stage we trudged through thick soft black sand, like a Gothic Evil sand dune.

This year I will mostly be wearing Gaiters!

At the end I treated us both to a Magnum icecream, sadly they didn’t have the ones with nuts on the outside.

It was a slightly challenging hike because it was narrow and steep on the way up, but worth it for the fantastic views. It cost 62 Euros each, and I think it was worth it.

Back in Catania we went to the Villa Bellini gardens which are very pretty with a great view of the volcano. Just up the road (Etna) we visited the Ortico Botanico, which looked unloved in the same way that the castle in Ortigia is. I think Sicily just doesn’t have much money for public spaces, it’s one of the poorest parts of Italy.

Spikey stuff in the Ortico Botanico

And finally, some photos to prove that two and a half thousand years of civilisation doesn’t always work in Sicily.

Sicily 2024 – Catania

Wednesday 22 May

Ortigia was very lovely and I would highly recommend it for a short break. All the attractions can be reached by foot. In fact we walked about 10 miles yesterday, but wine aided our recovery and Nero D’Avolo in particular. This morning the air was very clear and we got our first view of Etna from the balcony, which was quite exciting for someone from Lincolnshire where the highest point is about 460 feet.

Etna from our flat in Ortigia

But Tempus does indeed Fugit, and we caught the train to Catania this morning. The 10.25 to Rome trundled along the coast taking about an hour to reach Sicily’s second biggest city. The route took us past oil refineries, a huge port (at Augusta) and Catania airport. I don’t think Michael Portillo will be making a film about it.

We tugged our suitcases for about 10 minutes to reach the next Airbnb, which was on the second floor of a fairly grand 19th century building. it’s quite possibly the best one we have stayed in, and we have stayed in over 50 since 2015. The furnishing is top notch, and the owner left us a selection of cakes in cellophane packets, luxury!

Catania is at the foot of Etna, and has suffered from eruptions and earthquakes over thousands of years. The city centre has been rebuilt in Baroque style, like Noto, but in black volcanic stone rather than yellow limestone. It gives the city a more dowdy feel, and looks like London 50 years ago when it was all black from the coal smoke.

It was lunch time by the time we left the flat, so we stopped at the nearest street cafe that our host had recommended. If they gave awards for the weight of food in a set lunch, this cafe would have won it. The first course was a huge slab of lasagna-ish. It was green and cheesy and enough to feed Tyson Fury on the night before he lost his fight. After battling through that, we got 2 huge meat balls with salad. They could have been beef, or donkey, horse or even camel for all I know. I ate both of mine, Julie could only manage one. Dessert was a tiny sort-of creme caramel in a short glass. After all of that I felt like Mr Creosote ready to explode!

Mystery meat balls and a massive slab of lasagna-ish

The Piazza del Duoma is a short walk from the flat, and in the centre is a stone statue of an elephant with an Egyptian obelisk on its back. It’s the symbol for Catania, and no dafter than the Liver Bird stuck on top a building in Liverpool.

Obolisk on an elephant

The Duomo is all very Baroque and the architect Sig. Vaccarrini clearly thought you couldn’t have too many statues or columns.

Go on, stick on another statue

The fish market was shut, so I missed out on all the dead scaley fauna, but we did have a walk to follow to see the highlights of Catania.

I could describe it all to you, but it’s easiest to sum it all up in two words: Baroque Churches. There are many of them, and once you have seen a few, they all start to look the same. Many of them have freakily realistic statues of dead Jesus, his mother and saints all painted in realist colours . There are banks of electric candles which will switch on if you put a Euro in the slot, and will automatically bump you up in the queue for heaven.

A Baroque-tastic selection of churches

The biggest church is San Nicolo L’Arena, which is cathedral sized. Unfortunately the front facade was never completed, so it looks really weird on the outside. But churches commonly take hundreds of years to finish off, so maybe some billionaire pasta manufacturer will pay for it to be completed.

San Nicolo l’Arena

In the middle of the central shopping area is a pizza-slice of a Roman amphitheatre. Most of it is covered by the city, and only a fraction is on show. A sign said it would have held 15,000 people originally.

a slice of Roman amphitheatre

Just as we were getting a bit churched-out, we saw a fast food outlet and were able to have a McPiss, which was an immense relief. Our run of luck continued with the discovery of – Praise the Lord – a Lidl! So we were able to buy some food for dinner tonight and to take with us on our Etna trip tomorrow.

Sicily 2024 – Neapolis Archeological Park

Tuesday 22 May

Our tiny flat (I won’t use the word “apartment”, I’m neither French nor American) overlooks the roofs of Ortigia. A few hundred metres away is a big imposing building. I took a photo of it, and Google Lens told me that it was a prison built by the Bourbon Kings in the 1850’s when they were worried about rebels after the 1848 attempted revolution. It was damaged by an earthquake in 1990, and has been left unused since then. The sky is still full of swifts flying in arcs catching invisible flying insects, quite miraculous really.

The old prison- as seen from our flat

Siracusa is Syracuse, an ancient settlement at the cross roads of the Mediterranian that has been fought over for thousands of years. At one time it rivalled Athens in size and power in the Greek world.

The centre of the Greek and Roman city is now the Neapolis Archeological Park, which is a 45 minute walk from where we are staying on the island of Ortigia. The modern part of Siracusa is made of of post-war blocks of flats and uninspriring shops. We were very disappointed not to find either a Lidl or an Aldi in walking distance, which is one of the markers of civilisation for me.

We stopped for a capuccino and pastry in a cafe, but failed to blend in with the locals. Today we both look like tourists from Badiddlyboing Idaho, wearing stripy teeshirts, shorts, baseball caps and Merell walking shoes. Our attire was suitable for waking around ruins in the hot sunshine, but we would never get asked to be extras in the next Godfather movie.

Perfect Peter and Sensible Susan from Badiddlyboing – hi y’all!

Our arrival at Neapolis coincided with another huge herd of students and numerous coaches of foreign tourists also wearing Merells and shorts. The park is a big open area with pathways winding between the various places of interest.

The first part we reached was the Greek theatre which was constructed about 500 BC. At one time it would have seated about 3,000 people watching the Greek equivalent of The Mousetrap or Les Mis. I wouldnt be surprised if Phantom of the Opera is still running two thousand years in the future in some glass dome on Mars.

the Greek Theatre

The theatre was largely looted for its stone by the Spanish 500 years ago, but the stone seats have been replaced by timber seats and audiences still enjoy versions of classic Greek tragedies.

Above the theatre are caves which were probably overpriced cocktail bars at the time of Christ. Carved into the wall are many square niches of varying sizes. They are votive niches where people would place small statues in honour of the gods. Julie was convinced they were places to rest your cocktail during the intermission in tragedy, but they were too rough to support a proper Aperol Spritz glass.

Votive niche, not Spritz shelf

Following the herd we went down steps to the Gardens of Paradise. This is an ironically named area which is now a garden filled with citrus trees, but was once a massive quarry and prison to thousands of slaves who carved out all the stone to build the city.

Gardens where slaves once quarried stone

Within the quarry are some enormous caves which were excavated for their building stone. The most impressive is Dionysus Ear, which tapers towards the top and reflects sound very well. It is particularly noticeable when there are 200 8 years old kids all shouting at once.

Dionysus Ear and Sensible Susan

All around the park are statues of men with various body parts absent, sometimes there is just part of the face like a giant BAFTA mask. They do look good in context. The explanatory text that accompanies them is what I would call “total bollocks”, I sometime wonder what these artists are ingesting. Every time I go to the Tate Modern I think “Eh?” Just put me in the box marked pleb.

It’s Art, innit?

The last big site is the Roman Amphitheatre, which would have been as big as the one in Verona. But the Spanish stole all the stone in the 16th century to build Ortigia, so there are only remains left. The square tank in the middle is thought to be for containing all the gore after a circus event, and I don’t mean clowns on trick bicycles.

Roman amphitheatre and gore tank

At the tip of Ortigia is Maniace Castle, a huge fortification first built by King Frederick II Of Swabia in the 13th century. It looks interesting, and on t’internet the ticket cost is a reasonable 4 Euros. It’s actually the entry price is a more unreasonable 9 Euros, considering what you get.

It has a huge Great Hall with nothing in it .There are several other empty stone rooms. You can descend steps to see Spanish gun emplacements with nothing in them.

The best part of the castle, the great hall

There really is fuck-all there, I have seen more explanation boards in a minor National Trust house than there is in this huge castle. You can’t even buy an ice-cream, which is a huge mistake. If the National Trust took it over there would be eager volunteers every 20 metres and a cafe with a huge array of cakes. It would be generating a massive profit within a week.

We left just as massive mob of teenagers arrived screaming like banshees.

Walking back through the narrow streets we saw an Ape three-wheeler trying to get past a big group of small children, the Ape didn’t stand a chance.

Ape three-wheeler Vs kids

The Duomo is a gorgeous baroque cathedral on the outside, but considerably more subdued on the inside. The collonade of incredibly old Doric columns which were once part of a temple to Athen are massive and imposing.

We did enjoy sitting inside in the cool air sending WhatsApp messages. I’m sure its what Jesus would want

Doric columns – you knew that didn’t you?

After a big day of Culture we went and had a Spritz by the promenade and ate more UPF snacks – perfect.

Sicily 2024 – Noto

Monday 20 May

Sicily has a long history, and for most of that time the primary means of transport was foot or horse. Consequently the Sicilian towns are not great places to drive around, we didn’t hire a car for our trip. So we are missing out on all the fun of being stuck behind tractors, driving round hair-pin bends up mountains and trying to find a parking place in a hill-top village.

The buses are regular and reasonably priced, but they are a bit slow. I have a thick Stephen King novel to read, so I can spare the time rattling along congested highways.

Today we went to Noto, which is about an hour to the south of Siracusa on a hill. Its origins go back to the Greeks, and has subsequently been occupied by all the many invaders after that. For a while it was part of the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies, a short lived 19th century kingdom. At the time, bizarrely, the Kingdom of Naples was also called the Kingdom of Sicily. When it amalgamated with yer actual Sicily it became the Kingdom of Two Sicilies.

There is a local Twickenham connection to this area. The daughter of King Ferdinand of the Two Sicilies, Princess Amilie, married Phillipe the Duc D’Orleans and lived in Twickenham in Orleans House. He later became King of the French and she became the Queen.

Anyway I digress considerably. Noto was destroyed by an earthquake in 1693 and was rebuilt in the Baroque style, and is mostly intact. This is in contrast to other Sicilian cities which were badly damaged by bombing in WWII. It is a UNESCO Heritage site, so you can’t add Velux windows or bi-fold doors to your Baroque palazzo.

We arrived at the impressive entrance gate at the same time as about five million school kids moving like wilderbeest on the Serengeti. I’m sure Italians get lessons in how to talk over each other extremely loudly. Having a conversation appears to be a competitive event, and a sprint rather than a long distance race. The mass of kids were slowly ingested through the gate like a crocodile swallowing a herd of colourful squirrels.

Big gate with thousands of students

Once they had been swallowed we took a side street up from the main drag. The road was steep and lined with honey coloured houses with fancy balconies. I was convinced that there would be a spectacular view of the stunning countryside at the top. But there was just a big white concrete wall. What a bloody waste of energy.

They love a balcony in Noto

S0 we walked back down to the town centre on a footpath about two feet wide. When someone walked in the opposite direction with a dog it was a stare-off until I decided the dachshund looked vicious and stepped onto the road.

We stopped at a cafe and ordered a sandwich for me and a salad for Julie. Oh, and I had a Heineken, it’s my birthday still innit? I noticed that in the cafe opposite they had cones of fried seafood which smelled delicious, and I immediately got food envy. C’est la vie.

There was a kind of flower festival in the town, with displays made up of petals and coloured rice making pictures. That’s why there were so many school kids visiting. It is a well-known fact that kids adore floral displays.

Floral display- kids love ’em

I would imagine that the local pigeons and rats would make short work of the colourful displays, so maybe they mix the petals and rice with a hideous poison or guard them with marksmen on the rooftops.

I heard a car revving extremely hard and noisily in the street. There were lots of Carabiniere standing around in their tight trousers and side-arms, so I expected them to arrest the miscreants. Then I saw that it was a police Lamborghini that was making the racket, fucking show-off.

Flash bastard coppers

There were also some Carabiniere on horses letting people take selfies with them. I guess that would terrify any local Mafiosa thinking of selling cocaine amongst the floral displays.

Horse police for chasing down litter-bugs with sabres

The cathedral is very beautiful, and looks like it was built yesterday. Thats because quite a bit of it was built recently. The dome collapsed in 1996 due to unremidied structural weaknesses after an earthquake in 1990. Having seen how they build their houses in Siracusa, I’m not surprised.

Noto cathedral

Anyway it is very lovely now, and worth a visit. Inside it is relatively plain compared to other Catholic cathedrals, but the ceiling paintings are very good. I’m always at a loss to describe paintings, my vocabulary for that stuff is very limited, and i guess that’s why I never became an art critic.

Magnolia interior, it was on offer in Wickes

Noto has many many places to buy gelato, and today I had a piccolo-sized cone with chocolate and pistachio scoops. In fact I still have some tasty remnants in my beard I can enjoy for the rest of the evening.

The return bus to Siracusa was quicker than the outgoing and I slept for a while. The seats are designed for small people, and I am not. So I dozed bolt-upright with my head lolling about like a puppet with a broken head string.

We bought beers and went to our roof terrace to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and watch the swifts zipping about over the rooftops.

Julie is busy choosing a restaurant for dinner tonight, we didn’t eat out last night because we were full of salty snacks. I am, of course writing this wonderful blog for your entertainment.

Sicily 2024 – Siracusa

Sunday 19 May

Julie woke me at 3am with a cup of tea. I now know how John Hamphries felt every day for about 30 years getting up for the Today programme.Bloody awful. 

However it was MY BIRTHDAY so it was a very special day for little old me.

We drove up  to Luton airport and arrived at 4.30. I say we, but actually Julie drove and I commented on all the middle lane hoggers on the M25, the annoying twats.

We had all the usual EasyJet experience which is too dull to relate, and arrived in Catania, the second city of Sicily. 

Usually the first day of a holiday is sub-optimal. Where’s the bus stop at the airport? Which bus do we get to reach Siracusa? Don’t let those bastards get our seats! Then stuck on a crappy bus for over an hour looking at industrial suburbs before arriving in Siracusa.

But then you arrive and the actual holiday begins, woo hoo! 

You gotta take the rough with the smooth, so there was a big thunderstorm on our way to the flat, and we had to invest in umbrellas that we will probably not use again.

The flat is on the 4th floor of an old building in Ortigia, which is Siracusa old town. It’s where Archimedes lived and was killed by a Roman soldier. Mathematical joke – what is Archimedes favourite food: Apple 3.141

Geddit!!!??

Ortigia is about 1000m long and 500m wide, a small peninsula that was the heart of ancient Syracuse. Sicily belonged to the Greeks and Carthaginians before it became Roman territory. The Duomo (cathedral) was a Greek and Roman temple, and incorporates Doric columns in its walls.

The Duomo with very impressive Baroque facade

I appreciated all the ancient beauty for several glorious minutes before being magnetically drawn into a gelateria. Since it was my birthday I had a big ice-cream, three big scoops plopped on top of each other. The gelato was geologically unstable, and the different strata soon slid around, and it nearly cascaded into my lap. But I skillfully re-established equilibrium with the tiny plastic spoon and my slobbery lips, before I had a gelato avalanche.

Triple layer gelato -it was messy

Ortigia reminds me of Valetta in scale and the baroque architecture that dominates the city after the 1693 earthquake. Where the rendering has fallen off some buildings you can see that they are built of rubble, bricks and mortar in a very haphazard fashion which would give a modern building inspector apoplexy. But they have stood for over 300 years, so I guess that construction method works.

On the sea front is the Fountain of Arethusa, a freshwater spring which has payrus growing in it. Arethusa is the patron nymph of Siracusa, and according to legend this is where she emerged from the underworld. I was looking out for her but she didn’t show up. Nymphs are very unreliable.

Arethusa’s Fountain, but she didnt show up

On the promenade we saw a cafe serving Aperol Spritz to happy looking people. So we joined them and also partook of the happiness. I sucked on my orange straw and consumed several small baskets of salty deep fried ultra processed food. Tim Spector would be horrified, but fuck it, its my birthday.  By the way, the local Messina beer is very average, I prefer Lidl Perlenbacher. I do have sophisticated tastes.

Aproral Spritz, and abundance of UPF and dissappointing beer

Ortigia is very small and walkable. It is touristy, but it is not overwhelmed at the moment. Go there dear reader and you too will become as happy as I am.

As I type I’m on the terrace of our flat 5 stories up looking at terracotta roofs with swifts flying around in great haste. Being sixty eight does have some compensations.

Genius at work

Gran Canaria 2024 – Sunny Canteras day

Day 10 Tuesday 13 March 2024

Almost at the end of our trip and the sun is shining, it’s a sunny hot day! It was also our last chance to visit Vagueta, the oldest and most attractive part of the city. Las Palmas is scattered with sculptures and memorials in most of the small parks which is rather lovely. This guy, Dr Juan Negrin Lopez has been given some makeup, I’m not sure if the lipstick is the right shade for his green moustache.

CAAM is the Centro Atlantico de Art Moderno, the modern art museum. It is housed in a beautiful purpose built gallery close to Casa Colon. Like all modern art museums, the content is a mixed bag of genius and “what the hell is that!” The good far outweighed the indifferent, and there are some beautiful as well as challenging images in there.

I have called this one “a nod is as good as a wink”, which is also the name of an album by The Faces. Did I ever tell you that I saw the Faces once in 1972? They came of late and were as pissed as farts, as usual.

We spent a very pleasant couple of hours wandering around enjoying and trying to make sense of the pieces. Every picture and sculpture had a little description/explanation in Spanish and English, and every one was mystifying to me. The text below could be used for any of the pieces and make the same amount of sense.

In the British spirit of “bloody hell I could do better than that” I made a Work Of Art. I didn’t have a 5 year old with a packet of crayons to exploit, so this is a self-portrait. Its called “Parallel Lines:Not Blondie”. It expresses my alienation from the world of sport, and hope for the future of music through an appreciation of Deborah Harry. Possibly.

This is available from Eltimbola Enterprises as a colour photocopy for £399.99, and an extra 100 quid if you want it signed.

Spain is a lovely country in many ways. But it doesn’t have have the same level of basic amenities as in the UK. They don’t have cafes in museums, which is a horrifying omission. They miss out on an enormous revenue stream by not flogging overpriced cakes and crappacino to peckish visitors. The cafe at Kew Gardens covers several hectares and is designed to slow down the flow of customers as much as possible and sell cakes that cost as much as the hourly minimum wage. I think CAAM should convert one of the exhibition spaces into a cafe and sell coffee and carrot cake, the English tourists would pour millions of Euros into it to spend on more Art.

We took our good money elsewhere, and found a top cafe near the market. We shared a fabulous focaccia sandwich with Jamon Jamon in it, and a slice of almond cake. My lips they say “yes”, my waist he say “wibble wobble”.

After lunch we got on a number 12 up the coastal road to Parque de Santa Catalina. I wanted to take a look at the Elder Science Museum, which is housed in a big old warehouse once built by a British company called Elder. I looked through the window and could see that it was puny compared to the mighty Science Museum in Sarf Ken, so I kept my 6 Euros to spend on beer.

This is the museum, a big shed with half an extension on the top. The tall palm trees are called Washingtonia and are from California, the small ones are Phoenix Canariensis, which are local.

The park is on the Isthmus, so we walked across to Canteras beach, which was looking fabulous in the hot sunshine. It was very busy with pale tourists gently roasting in the sun. I sat on a bench looking at the sea until I got too hot, and then found a bit of shade about 30cm wide under a palm tree and sat like Robinson Crusoe hiding from the sun. Because I’m a bit of a nerd, I observed that the shadow of the tree moved about 10 cm in 10 minutes. Consequently I had to keep moving round to stay in the shade so I didn’t shrivel like Gollum.

I read my Kindle, which is much better than a phone for reading in the sun. I’m reading Nuts and Bolts by Roma Agrawal. It’s all about the engineering of small things like the wheel, pumps, nails and nuts. I enjoyed it very much, but it wouldn’t suit everyone. Probably most people to be honest. I just like to know how things work, and how they came to be. Stories are quite good, but give a man a fact and he can bore people for life.

At about 4pm we met up with Jo and Dave and found a very good restaurant overlooking the beach, with seats in the shade; perfect. There we stayed for several hours drinking and eating, it was very good indeed. Super-good, one might say.

It started getting overcast and cool at about 6.30 and took the bus down to Jo and Dave’s hotel near San Telmo, and went to the bar to test the quality of the wine and beer. Extensive research brought us to the conclusion that on the Nice/Good/Super-good/Triffic scale, the booze came in at Good. I will publish the results in the European Journal of Booze Studies. This will probably get noted by the Daily Mail and published as a health story.

I went to bed at about 11 pm, full of joy and Vino Tinto. I awoke at 1 am with hydrochloric acid erupting in my stomach like a volcano, c’est las vie.

That was our last proper day on Gran Canaria. Thursday was all about waiting of various types; at bus stops, airports and on a plane. But until they figure out how the Tardis works, thats always going to happen at the end of a holiday.

I hope you have enjoyed my blog. If you did, send me some fan mail to timharness@timharnesstravels

I can then share some facts with you about nuts and bolts or the movement of the sun relative to a Canarian palm tree.

Gran Canaria 2024- The Beautiful South

Day 9 Tuesday 12/3/24

Dave offered to hire a car and take us to the south for the day. The approximate geography of the island is that Trade Winds blow from the north and pile up cloud against the central mountains. So the north is relatively cloudy and wet compared to the south. North is green, south is a desert.

Tourists want sunshine, so that is where the biggest tourist resorts are. Dave got a Kia Rio, a small but surprisingly roomy car. His hotel is right next to the motorway which goes from Los Palmas all the way round to Puerto de Magan in about 50 minutes. Everywhere in the south has been built in about the last 50 years, and it’s all made of concrete. It’s the epitome of mass tourism. But hey, the beer is cheap and the sun is shining!

Puerto de Magan was a tiny fishing village at the end of a valley, which has been transformed by terraces of flats rising up both sides of the valley. It has a pretty little beach which looks good for swimming, and plenty of bars and restaurants. We got a coffee and strolled around town, like you do, looking at tat in the shops and being pleased I wasn’t there for a week. Some of the town is very pretty, and has cottages designed in an old local style which have bourganvillia growing over them. But much of the resort was tightly packed concrete boxes.

Our next stop was Puerto Rico, which was the Margate to Mogans Broadstairs. A bit more down market with fewer redeeming features. It follows the same pattern of beach, marina, shops, flats and restaurants, but has little charm. If you enjoy mini-golf, it’s the place for you.

This picture of Jo, Dave and Julie shows how the flats are stacked up on the volcanic hillside. It’s like a vision of Mars in a 100 years time when the terraforming has kicked in a bit, but the landscape is still shit.

Back in the car we drove east through tunnels to Maspalomas, which is a very big resort, and more upmarket than the others. The sea front is all big hotels and palm trees, and it has a long promenade. The most famous feature of the resort are the 400 hectares of dunes, which are quite spectacular. We started walking across them to the lighthouse, but then we saw a sign saying it was 3 kilometres. This is a holiday not a Royal Marines training exercise, so we went back to the car and drove.

After sniffing about for a while we found a restaurant called Piti y Flautas just off the promenade. What’s that name all about then? Does it mean “pity the flute-player”? Or is it something to do with floaters? I could look it up, but it’s more fun to speculate.

I drank a litre of lager (San Miguel) and ate a huge seafood pizza, and I feel slightly queezy but satisfied.

It was dark by the time we got back to Las Palmas, and all the drilling rigs were lit up like Christmas trees in Puerto de la Luz. Maybe that’s why it’s called port of the lights.

Gran Canaria 2024 – Return to Canteras

Day 8 Monday 11/3/24

It was raining when I woke up this morning at about 7.30. I carefully looked through the curtains and saw people sheltering in doorways and walking with umbrellas.

We had a slow start to the day, as always on holiday, and washed some clothes. I hope you weren’t expecting high drama and artful prose in this blog? It’s just a long version of the “What I Did On My Holidays” story I did for Miss Pogson when I was at Horncastle Junior School.

Once my pants were safely hung out we went over the road for a cake and pastry and planned our day. The plan was “Get a bus to Canteras beach”, not too hard since we are 5 minutes from the bus station. So we got a Number 8 bus that we thought was correct, but it drove out of the town centre and up into the suburban hills where the tumble weed rolls and men with sombreros sleep outside of their shacks.

This is a slight exaggeration, but it was the wrong bus route. I wailed and tore my clothes, but Julie was on top of the situation and found the solution.

We cunningly got off the Number 8 and got onto a Number 81 which took us to the Porto de la Luz on the isthmus (my new favourite word).

We went to the Naval Museum, next to the naval base in the port. The museum wasn’t big, and was mostly, guns, mortars, swords, and models of ships. I’m sure they keep all the good stuff in a big museum in Barcelona or Seville, and Las Palmas gets the leftovers. This looks like an old Dr Who monster costume, but is actually a diving suit from the 19th century.

We traversed the short distance from one side of the isthmus to the other, and saw two men putting up a sign explaining the about the local area called Gauntarteme. I think I can safely say that I was the first person to read that sign. It must have happened to the (late) Queen many times, but it was a new experience to me. I think it warrants a blue plaque, I shall write to the local council in green ink and demand one.

The Guantarteme was just a strip of sand until 1883 when British engineers started building the new port and the whole area became urbanised. It is now very densely populated with blocks of ugly flats. The old buildings in Vagueta and Triana are lovely, but the 20th century buildings in most of the city are almost all bloody ugly concrete stumps.

Crossing over to the other side we reached the far end of Canteras beach, where the sea pounds the volcanic shore quite violently.

There was a little cafe selling pizzadillo, so we gave it a try. It’s half a small crusty loaf with a filling in it. I had pulled pork, Julie had cod in a tomato sauce. Washed down with a small beer it was perfect for watching the ocean. In the distance I could see Mount Teide poking up through the clouds on Tenerife. Its the highest mountain in Spain, and its cone was twinned in the photo with a volcano on Las Palmas.

It was a relaxing spot to watch the sea, so we had another cana of beer before continuing our walk along the sea shore.

After a brief appearance, the sun retired and we were left with an overcast sky, which the locals call “The Donkeys Belly”. But it was still great to be beside the seaside, definitely warmer than Skegness. I got an icecream and watched the surfers shooting along on top of massive breakers, I’m pleased it was them, rather them than me.

After Canteras we walked to the Central Market. Bad move, it was mostly shut. Then to Alcaravaneras beach to find a cafe. No cafes there, not even any seats to sit on. The day wasn’t going our way, so we took a Number 17 bus back to San Telmo.

I cooked some awesome pasta for dinner in the flat. I like having a kitchen to cook in, a washing machine for my smalls, and a big telly to watch Netflix n’ chill.

Can you see me in the mirror?

Day 9 – The Beautiful South