The next stop on our tour of Tenerife was Los Cristianos, a very popular resort in the south of the island. We haven’t been down to the south of Tenerife since 1988, and didn’t particularly enjoy it then. It was at the height of the Timeshare Boom, and there were many young English people trying to sell time shares to tourists on commission.
I got so pissed off with being approached by the grinning oiks that I ended up pretending to be a German tourist, saying
“Nein danke, ich bin ein Hamburger”
to get rid of them. Timeshares in Tenerife were a big scam run by John “Goldfinger” Palmer, an English criminal who ended up getting murdered in his own garden by Russians who wanted a share of the action.
We took a TITSA (no sniggering) from Santa Cruz to the bus stop in Los Cristanos. It doesn’t have a bus station since most people arrive in TUI or Jet2 coaches directly from the airport. Once again we hauled our wheely cases for half an hour up a hill to a big block of flats. Our place is on the 9th floor of Castle Harbour, an ugly concrete complex with a swimming pool and loungers. The grasping bastards wanted to charge two Euros to hire a recliner around the pool, which I think is very mean.
View from our balcony towards La Gomera
Our balcony looks out over a road and towards the island of La Gomera over the sea in the distance. A friend of mine (Roger Haynes) once rowed from there to Antigua on his own, it took him over 100 days. The flat wasn’t ready for us, so we walked down to the sea front. As expected, we passed lots of bars showing the Saturday football matches on the TV, watched by many large, bald men.
Once we got to the sea front, we choose one of the many restaurants at random and had some tapas and a beer for lunch. It was fine, but not fine dining. There is a succession of bars, restaurants and souvenir shops which face onto the promenade along side the beach. There were lots (and lots) of mobility scooters, and even some two seat scooters so that couples could trundle along together. I even saw a complete family – mum, dad and two kids – with all their gear riding together on one. So if you have “mobility issues” Los Cristianos is a good choice. I’m not sure about the rules are about drinking and driving a scooter, but I didn’t see anyone getting breathalysed by a cop driving a slightly faster mobility scooter.
Lock up your daughters, its the Wild Bunch
I saw a “Viking Longboat” motoring along the coast. I think that Danes from the north of the island sailed down to the south but decided it wasn’t worth invading.
Danish invaders deciding not to bother
At the western end of Los Cristianos beach there is a ferry port with catamaran ferries going to La Gomera, and a big sea wall. Beyond the wall there is another beach called Playa de Los Vistas. That beach looked better than the first one, a bit more upmarket with more classier looking restaurants. There were several beach volleyball courts with teenagers playing a tournament refereed by adults blowing shrill whistles.
Los Cristianos doesn’t have an old town, in fact it has nothing of any architectural or cultural merit that I could find. But it does have a good beach and affordable restaurants and drinks which is brilliant for 95% of the population. I’m in the other 5% who look for more from a holiday. Talking to various friends it seems I’m also in the 2% who also don’t give a toss about Bake Off, Strictly or Traitors.
In the evening we ate somewhere which was quite good. There was a guitarist who could play some old rock songs quite well, but sadly he also played Country Music. I think the name defines who that music is for.
19 January 2025 – on the beach
The vast majority of British tourists visit the south of Tenerife, whereas the north is preferred by Germans, Dutch and Scandinavians. I thought that might have changed since our last visit in 1988, but it hasn’t. It caters for people who enjoy a Full English and a pint of lager at the same time. In fact its pretty similar to any Spoons at 10 in the morning, but with sunshine.
Since this was our last day in Tenerife, we had a lazy beach day. To be honest it was the only sort of day available. Foolishly we tried to find a nice coffee shop where we could get a fresh croissant with our Americano coffee. There are literally dozens of such cafes in Twickenham and Richmond. These establishments do not exist in Los Cristanos, which made me realise that this place was not meant for me.
LC appears to be the holiday destination of choice for the overweight and thirsty, maybe there is a connection. The promenade is a slow shuffle of people heading for there next drink or meal, or possibly heading for a tattoo parlour to get their pink bodies embroidered with the name of their football club.
We picked a pair of recliners and an umbrella on the beach and settled there for the day with our books. I’m reading Dead Lions, the second Slow Horses book, which is full of very funny Jackson Lamb lines. The book is punctuated with Lamb’s flatulence, which he uses to annoy his detractors.
Better out than in
Naturally I was also watching people on the beach, which is always entertaining and made me feel thin.
I did go in for a swim with my goggles on, and as I waded out I kicked a large and unmoving rock , which was painful.
“Oh gosh, I’ve kicked a flipping rock” I exclaimed as I tried to regain my balance and not look like a complete knob
During my “diving trip” I saw just one fish, which looked quite lonely swimming around the rocks. I suspect all the other fish have been fried and ended up with a plate of chips.
In the evening we met a friend of Julie’s who was also on holiday in Tenerife. They are staying in a very smart hotel for a week. I was a bit envious of the hotel, but two nights was long enough in Los Cristianos. We found a smart bar and enjoyed a drink, before Anne returned for her inclusive dinner. It was a good place so we stayed and had dinner there, I had lamb and Julie had salmon.
On the way back to the flat after dinner we passed a bar with a singer who was knocking out old 60s and 70s soul songs. We were encouraged to go in by a cheeky chappie in a funny hat, a sort of court jester. The singer was so good we went in and ordered a pair of Aperol Spritz and got into the spirit.
Sitting on the dock of the bay
Julie’s face was beaming, she loved the old tunes by Stevie Wonder, Wilson Pickett, Jimmy Ruffin, Otis Redding and many others. It’s amazing how words of songs over fifty years old come back to you when you have had a cocktail.
Times Up on Ten Days in Tenerife
That was the longest holiday we have had in the Canaries, and I enjoyed it all. Pulling bags uphill was a recurring theme I could have done without, but to balance that we had many splendid views from balconies in our three different flats. I actually swam in the sea twice, which is very good for January. Most of the meals I ate were good, some were average but none were terrible.
I like the Canaries because they are sunny when the weather is horrible at home, and there is loads to do if you make an effort to do some exploring. You can even see exhibitions about moderately talented shagging Surrealist artists.
It is a changeover day for us, so we said adios to Puerto de la Cruz, and hola to Santa Cruz. The cities are about an hour apart on a bus which runs round the motorway across the north of the island. We took the TITSA bus from the Intercambiador (bus station), paying about five Euros each to the bus driver. The buses have a big luggage compartment underneath, which makes it great for travellers. We only take a small wheeled case with us, so getting around is easy.
The bus delivered us to an enormous bus station in Santa Cruz, with a lobby the size of Terminal 5. The Intercambriador is close to the sea front, but our next accommodation was not. After consulting Google maps, it appeared to be half an hour’s walk away, no sweat for people used to walking for miles around Bushy Park. Fundamental error! Bushy Park is flat, Santa Cruz (like everywhere on Tenerife) is on the side of the biggest mountain in Spain!
Then we foolishly dragged our wheely bags for half an hour up hill to our next place Edificio Bruja. Later we found out that there was a No. 14 bus directly from the bus station to the flat, doh! The Edificio is quite upmarket with a concierge who told us three ways to get into the flat (card, door combination, and phone app). The flat was on the eighth floor looking down hill towards the harbour. It was three times as big as the last one, with two bedrooms! There was a small balcony on two sides, which was good but quite windy. However on the 10th floor there was a proper sun terrace on the roof with a swimming pool, jackpot!
Our 8th floor balcony in Edeficio Bruja
First things first, we had to get some milk to go with our M&S decaf teabags. But regular pasteurised milk is difficult to get hold of in Spain for some reason. On the ground floor of the Edificio (all buildings are called Edificio) there was a Spar, so we got some bread ‘n shit and had lunch on the balconioni. Not shit literally, that wouldn’t be nice, but cold meat and cheese.
After a small argument about me not making decisions about where to go, I manfully decided that we should get the tram (as suggested by the concierge) down hill into the city centre and see what’s what. The tram is very quick and efficient, a great way to travel around the city.
Santa Cruz has a population of about half a million, so it is a proper big city and one of the capitals of the Canaries, Las Palmas de Gran Canaria is the other. It has one of the biggest commercial harbours in Spain, and from our flat we could see enormous cruise liners in the port.
At the Tourist Information in Plaza de la Candelaria, a friendly security guard showed us bullet holes from the civil war and told us how Franco had been flown out of Tenerife. He was keen to emphasise that the pilot was English, but to be honest I wish he had left Franco in Tenerife drinking sangria, instead of starting the civil war.
INTERESTING FACT
The escape plane was a De Havilland Dragon Rapide. There is a Dragon Rapide based at Duxford airfield near Cambridge which regularly flies over central London. The English pilot was Cecil Bebb, who later got a medal from Franco.
Close to the Tourist Info is Plaza de Espana, which normally has a circular pond in it. Except the pond is drained for repairs, so its just a blue painted skateboard park now.
Plaza de Espana’s dry pond
Close by I saw a plaque which proudly explains how the Spanish garrison of Santa Cruz defeated a British raid 1797. Nelson was injured in the raid and had to have his right arm amputated, it was his worse defeat.
The Spanish are very proud of this victory, and claim that it was a cannon ball from a bronze cannon called El Tigre that injured Nelson. The cannon still exists in a museum (I saw it, I touched it), but I think if he had been hit by a cannon ball there wouldn’t be much of Nelson to fight at Trafalgar.
After mooching around the compact old city centre we went to the TEA modern art museum to see an exhibit about Oscar Dominguez, a Tenerife Surrealist. His pictures are quite good, but don’t have the sophistication of Dali, and I wouldn’t want one on my wall. But the museum is an interesting place to visit, and free. Like most male artists of the time (enormous generalisation), he hung out in Paris and was a serial shagger.
Oscar Dominguez, no oil painting
It was dark when we emerged from the gallery, so we headed into the city centre and found a lively tapas bar where we had dinner (Julie nachos and Tim ribs) and ONE glass of wine. We wanted several glasses but showed fortitude, very difficult on holiday.
We had a lovely day, apart from dragging the bags up hill like pack mules, when we could have got the bus! But I do think that all exercise is worthwhile.
January 16 Exploring the Sights
On Thursday morning we walked downhill into the city centre, downhill good, uphill bad. The route was more-or-less out of the edificio and turn right. We went back to the tourist office, which is house in a big 18th century merchants house. At 10.30 we joined a guided tour around some of the historic buildings of old Santa Cruz. There aren’t very many.
The guide, Jose, had a habit of repeating himself like Donald Trump.
“This is the original city water fountain, water fountain. It brought water twelve kilometres in wooden pipes, wooden pipes”.
I almost expected him to say “It’s the greatest fountain in the world, really tremendous”.
However he took us to a few interesting locations, including the parish church of St Francis. In typical Spanish style, it’s full of colourful religious statues and paintings. In the 18th century there was a cholera epidemic in which thousands of people died.
St Francis church
They paraded a picture of Jesus, and the epidemic stopped. There was another epidemic in the 19th century and once again Jesus was paraded and it stopped. Jose clearly thought it was divine intervention. I was wondering if they checked if sewage got into the aforementioned water fountain?
Julie wondered if they paraded Jesus during the COVID19 epidemic, surely He would have sorted it out in no time.
Close to the TEA art gallery, there is the African market, named after a nearby church, Our Lady of Africa. I was expecting African stalls like you see in Brixton or Peckham, but it is a lovely building built in the 1940s, which is quite upmarket. There are stalls for fruit, veg, meat, fish, and souvenirs for tourists.
Entrance to the market
On the lower floor, there was a café where we tried another barraquito liquor coffee, which was a decent size and had a bit of booze in it this time.
Barraquito it make me happy
Next we headed along the sea front , floating in the harbour there were two huge floatels, which are accommodation blocks for drilling rigs. They are brought into Santa Cruz for repairs.
The floatel “Reliance”
The most eye-catching building on the sea front is the Auditorio de Tenerife Adán Martín, a modern concert hall shaped like a Greek Corinthian helmet.
The Palmetum is built on an artificial hill that was once the town dump, redeveloped in the ’90s. It offers a peaceful and beautiful escape, featuring one of the largest palm collections in the world. The garden is divided into zones representing different regions, including Oceania, India, the Caribbean, and Madagascar. Visitors can enjoy stunning views of the Atlantic Ocean from benches, perfect for soaking up the sun and admiring the sea. Additionally, near the pond in the center of the palms, a small caravan sells beers, allowing us to relax with a drink in the sun while watching butterflies flutter around.
An interpretation board showing old photos of the palmetum
We took the bus back to the Bruja building and we settled ourselves on recliners by the pool on the 10th floor. The water is very cold, but the sunshine is delightful!
In the evening we took the tram up hill to the old capital city of La Laguna, a few miles inland from Santa Cruz. It is uphill all the way, and about 1750 feet high, so a lot cooler than Santa Cruz and I needed the coat I took with me. The city centre is full of beautiful old buildings and a grand cathedral, it is a university town so has a youthful vibe.
We went in the first good looking restaurant we saw, the Dehli Darbur. It is a big and very stylish Indian restaurant, which served us a very good Chicken Biryani with Onion Bhajis to start. We could have been in Twickenham!
January 17 A visit to the beach
They have a very good public transport system in Santa Cruz, every ticket is 1.25 Euros. On Friday morning we took the 26 bus down to the Intercambriador, the terminus for buses and trams. We took the 910 past the cruise ships and docks to Playa de Las Terestitas, a long sandy beach protected by a stone breakwater. It’s probably 1000 metres long, and the sand is imported from the Sahara. Two recliners and an umbrella next to a cafe is 6 Euros, quite a bargain. It is lined with palm trees and small cafes, so it’s a great place to visit
Playa de las Terasitas
So for the next few hours we planted our bums on the beds and read our books. I kept reading Julie the funny bits about Jackson Lamb in a Slow Horses book. I can read it an imagine Gary Oldman saying it, its very clever writing.
I went for a swim for a short while, which was more or less splashing about, but very refreshing. We ate a picnic lunch (again) because the bread is so good from the Spar at the bottom of the Bruja building.
Mid afternoon we took the bus back to the city centre and walked up to Parque de Garcia, which is incredibly beautiful, and crowded with the same tropical trees we have seen in the Jardin de Botanico and the Palmetum.
Some of the residential areas of Santa Cruz are very attractive with graceful 19th century houses. Walking back to the flat we came across Plaza Veinticinco de Julio de Los Patos, which is constructed from very colourful tiles with benches advertising old businesses.
Plaza Veinticinco de Julio de Los Patos
Santa Cruz isn’t a tourist city, but there is a lot to see and do for a few days, and it isn’t full of tourists. Apart from 5,000 at a time who get off the vast cruise ships in the harbour. But they don’t get much further than the city centre.
For our last night in Santa Cruz we couldn’t face getting the bus into the town centre, so found a local place called Kokora cafe in the local park ten minutes walk away. It was surprisingly good! I had a big and tasty prawn Pad Thai, and Julie had Prawn Tacos. The red wine was great and 3.5 Euros a glass, what’s not to like?
January is definitely the winter of my discontent. It’s the slump after Christmas when the dark reality of the post-festive season kicks in. It is generally just shit.
This is what Twickenham is like in the winter.
Because Julie and I have the time and resources to escape the gloom, we decided to make a getaway. The next question is, where? I really didn’t fancy the flying time and ticket cost of a long-haul to Asia or the Caribbean. Florida is MAGA country, and not my natural environment as a card-carrying Guardian-reading-pinko-liberal (with both a small and capital L).
Warm places on a shortish-haul flights are: Madeira, the Canaries or Egypt. I went to Madeira once and thought it was OK, but it didn’t really ring my bell. I’ve been to Egypt twice on cheap holidays and drank some of the worst wine and beer in the world.
The Canaries have eight islands to choose from, good food and wine and quite a lot of culture.
Call me a creature of habit:
“Tim, you’re a creature of habit”
but I do like Tenerife. It has several cities to visit, a vast number of restaurants, and a smattering of interesting things that appeal to my Culture-Supplement-Reading-Self. So we got a guide book out of the library, and Julie (the finest travel agent in my house) booked flights and accommodation.
Twickenham was minus five and very frosty when we left at 5am, and drove very carefully down the motorways to Gatport Airwick. Our bright orange (guess who) A320 landed at sunny Tenerife South Airport at about 12.30 on 10th January.
Julie is exceedingly well organised when it comes to holidays, and had pre-booked a shuttle coach from the airport to Puerto de la Cruz on the north coast of the island.
“Why Puerto de la Cruz” I hear you ask ? It’s in The North of the island where some people (who holiday in the South) say it rains all the time and Polar Bears hunt on the sea ice. Puerto de la Cruz is actually a lovely town (in parts) and the weather is pretty much the same as in the desert-like south of the island.
Staying in Puerto de la Cruz
Annoyingly our shuttle coach stopped at about a dozen hotels before getting close to our flat, which was a real draaag maaan. Our host Alexandra met us outside the block and took us up to our seventh floor studio flat. She was German or Dutch. Or possibly Swedish or Danish, definitely Northern European. After a brief tour of the flat she left us a delicious bottle of rose, Castillo de Benizar Cabernet Sauvignon 2019. It mysteriously fell down our throats later that day, along with a big bag of crisps.
The flat was tiny, in fact it was a converted hotel room. But it did have a terrace looking south over the Valle de la Oratava and the central mountain of the island. The Valle is not a valley between two hills in the usual sense, but a slope down from the centre of the island on the side of the volcano. It is very verdant and covered with banana plantations, vineyards and farm houses . This is unlike the South of the island which looks like Iraq, and not the irrigated part of Iraq.
I had my pocket binoculars which I bought in Lanzarote focused on the astronomical observatory on the ridge in the distance, which is where Brian May did lots of his star watching, studying for his PhD.
The astronomical observatory as see from our terrace
Alexandra recommended a restaurant called Meson Los Golemos which is (apparently) a typical Canarian place. She told us that we couldn’t book and might have to queue for a “short while”. So we walked there in the late afternoon sunshine for an early dinner and queued outside for half an hour, with other keen potential diners. There were still fourteen people in the queue in front of us before we thought “sod that” and went off in a huff.
After a bit of hunting around, I found Las Tequita de Min by the harbour, which we went to last in 2021, but I think it was a different owner. The mixed fish platter was OK, but not as good as it was last time. Typically it had the “Canarian potatoes” with red and green sauces. They seem to come with most meals and are new potatoes which are a bit salty. I couldn’t describe what the sauces taste like, but ketchup has more flavour.
Fish Dish in Las Teguita de Min
Having got up at Stupid O’Clock we ran out of steam fairly early. On the walk back to the flat and bought some milk and biscuits at the Hyperdino supermarket nearby. Being British, we had brought our own tea bags with us so we wouldn’t shrivel from tea starvation.
Our First Full Day
On the first night in Tenerife we had a very good night’s sleep. It is in the same time zone as the UK, so there is no jet lag. The flat is on the 7th floor of a block in the town centre, and is very quiet. We get more noise in Twickenham when the planes for Heathrow are going over. Once the sun rose above the mountain at about 9am, the terrace was sunny and warm.
We walked down to the sea front and enjoyed a busker playing English rock songs, notably Creep by Radiohead and Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits. He threw all the right shapes and looked suitably rock-starry with a bandana around his head, but his voice was a bit weedy. He needs to smoke more fags and drink Jack Daniels like Keef Richards.
I’m a Creep I’m a Wierdo
INTERESTING FACT
Radiohead were sued for plagiarism by Mike Hazlewood and Albert Hammond because Creep is similar the their song The Air That I Breathe, which was a big hit for the Hollies.
The sea front in that part of the town does not have a good beach, but it does have an open plaza with benches where you can watch surfers mostly not catching waves. They swim out and bob around for a long time waiting for a good wave and occasionally catch a good one, and race 50 metres to the shore.
After the busker left for a more lucrative pitch (I did give him a Euro for Sultans) we walked up lots of steps to the upper part of the town and went to the Botanic Gardens, for the third time. The town is at the foot of the slopes that peaks at Mount Teide, not much of the entire island is flat, it’s either up or down. I did see it on TV once when it featured in an episode of Foundation on Apple + . The Emperor of the galactic empire was walking round the garden talking to his android advisor/girlfriend or some such bollocks.
The gardens are the second oldest botanic garden in Spain (after Madrid) and are densely packed with palm trees, exotic figs and an enormous Norfolk Island Pine. These strange trees are very popular on the island and grow very large in the perfect conditions.
The best tree is the giant Lord Howe Island fig, which has aerial roots that grow into the ground and become trunks. It looks quite other-worldly like a tree from Pandora in Avatar.
Lord Howe Island Fig
In the afternoon we sunned ourselves on our terrace with our books, and had a glass of Rose, it was very relaxing. By the way I mean Rosay wine, but I don’t know how to make the accent on the “e” at the end of the word.
In the evening we had a walk along the sea front, which was very lively with promenading tourists. The north of Tenerife is very popular with German and Dutch tourists, whereas the south is more popular with Brits. So you can get a curry wurst and Paulaner beer if you fancy one.
As it got dark we walked west and found the Elements cocktail bar. I had a Singapore Sling and Julie had a White Lady and we watched passersby envious at our sophistication and good taste. I do enjoy a cocktail when you don’t have to take out a mortgage to buy one, as you do in Twickenham.
Julie found an Italian Restaurant called Il Ponte, which is about 3 minutes from the flat. It is a family run place which is very friendly and the food was wonderful. We both had pasta ribbons with a rabbit ragu which was bloody delicious! Rabbit is very popular in Tenerife for some reason, I have never had it with pasta before. The chef was very funny and kept doing rabbit ears and hopped around his kitchen. I loved the place and we are going back tomorrow.
A Bus Trip Up Teide
You would be daft to go to Tenerife and not take a trip up Mount Teide. It is the tallest mountain in Spain (almost 12,000 feet) and is a spectacular natural wonder. The road winds up from Puerto de la Cruz through La Oratava through lush plantations and then pine forest. It takes about an hour and is windy all the way. I’m very pleased I wasn’t driving.
The road then reaches a place called El Portillo at the start of the National Park and the landscape changes from pine forest to very high altitude desert at over 6,000 feet. It really does look like Arizona or the Sahara, a very alien landscape and not at all like Surrey.
Roques de Garcia with Teide behind
The coach stopped for coffee and toilets and we tried a local special coffee called a barraquito. It is made with espresso, frothy milk, liqueur and condensed milk. It was sweet and small like a little Irish Coffee and to be honest I wish we had a proper Americano.
The National Park is the caldera of a long dead volcano roughly 10 miles long and six miles wide. The cone of Mount Teide arises from the caldera up another 6,500 feet which you ascend in the cable car. We put every bit of clothing we had on to go up, because there was snow at the top, clearly visible from Puerto de la Cruz. But it wasn’t as cold as expected because the sunshine was so bright. All the footpaths at the top were closed because of the snow and ice, so we couldn’t walk around. Nonetheless, the views were awesome and there were no clouds so we could see other islands in the archipelago. Just by chance my brother Peter phoned me from Lincolnshire, so I was able to describe the fantastic view to him. I could look down on the observatory I was looking up to from the flat.
Tim Peaking
Later in the afternoon back at the flat we watched some paragliders circling above the town and slowly descending, we were worried about where they would land! I went down to the sea front to where we had seen the busker the previous day, and the intrepid flyers had just landed there and were there wrapping up their parachutes.
I sat in the sunshine under the palm trees and read my Kindle until it got cool at about 6pm. I’m really enjoying A City on Mars by the Weinersmiths. It’s a non-fiction book written by a husband and wife team all about the feasibility of living on Mars, the Moon and in Space. It won the Royal Society book prize for 2024 and it was well deserved. It is incredibly well researched, informative and humorously written. It also proves even more strongly that they won’t be a Muskow on Mars any time soon.
I’m a proud geek
We returned to Il Pueblo for dinner and were disappointed this time. My Spaghetti Carbonara was very lacklustre and Julie was recommended a “pizza of the day” which was quite good, but twice the price of the standard pizzas.
They build you up then let you down, never trust a chef who does bunny hops in the kitchen.
A Walk to Bo Yo Yo Beach
The old centre of Puerto de la Cruz is set out on a grid pattern, with streets running parallel to the sea shore and others running at 90 degrees to them.
PdlC town centre
In the centre there are many beautiful old houses built in the typical Canarian style with two or three floors and wooden balconies. The historic heart of the town is surrounded by ugly blocks of flats and hotels built since the sixties. There are some lovely pedestrianised streets of old fisherman’s cottages, interspersed with more modern buildings.
The sides of some new concrete buildings have been painted with beautiful colourful murals. The local council has made a real effort to improve part of the city centre, which is good because the newer hotels are all dreadful.
Another joy in the city are the roadside palm trees. Most are the robust and common Canarian Palms, but there are also Wellingtonia Palms like the ones in Los Angeles, which grow very tall. They are planted in the streets like we have plane tree and maples and give the cities a tropical feel
We walked into the town centre to find the Tourist Information to find some ideas for walks that we could go on. The young woman in there was willing and friendly but not much practical help. She did confirm the walk to Bollollo (pronounce Bo Yo Yo) beach was worthwhile, but that was all she could suggest. I know there are load more walks on the island, but they all required a car or a long bus journey.
After a healthy salad lunch on the terrace in the sunshine we walked east parallel to the coast to Bollollo beach. It was only a couple of miles to the beach, half of it through a banana plantations. It was a splendid walk up hill and down dale through a barranca (dry ravine).
Banana plantation on the way to Bullollo
The beach at Bollollo is made of black sand and the sea looked cold, so we didn’t descend down the cliff path to reach it. But there was an excellent restaurant close by where we had a jarra (pint-ish) and a cana (half-ish) of Dorada beer overlooking the sea, which was very relaxing.
That’s what holidays are about really, drinking beer/wine/cocktails in the sunshine and trying to forget that the most powerful man in the world is an orange moron.
On the way back we took some steps down the cliff toward the sea front and watched a paraglider coming into land after flying up and down the coast for a long while trying to lose height. We watched him going back and forth trying to get the right approach at the right height. He did make a perfect landing on the plaza where I had seen the flyers pack up their chutes the day before, it must be their regular landing place.
Close by there was a little bar overlooking the sea, so we had an Aperol Spritz because it was such a great location, the sun was shining and it was the right thing to do. Please don’t get the impression that I’m an alcoholic, I sometimes stopped drinking for hours at a time.
Tim and the Giant Spritz
In the evening we dined at Con Pasion, which was a stylish cool place with excellent tapas and a great selection of wines. Altogether we tasted six different Canarian wines, and had dessert. I think the dessert may have been an indulgence too far, and I suffered raging reflux at 2 a.m. God just doesn’t want me to enjoy myself too much!
An amble around town
The bus system in Tenerife, TITSA, is quite good, without being great. There are regular buses all around the island, but getting advanced tickets is a pain. There was always a long queue at the ticket desk and the only machine was broken. We later found it was very easy to buy a ticket on the bus with cash or a card. In fact we paid for pretty much everything by card, either plastic or using our phones.
Without any sort of a plan for activities on that day we strolled through the town centre towards the castillo on the sea front . The oldest part of town has a fine old church, and a square called the Plaza del Charco. Close to the plaza is the old harbour which still has a few fishing boats and a small beach. Until the early 17th century, La Oratava was the main municipality in the area, and Garachico, further to the west, was the main port. Garachico exported Malmsey to England. In 1706, Teide erupted and a lava flow partly destroyed the town and blocked its harbour. Puerto de la Cruz then became the main port for La Oratava and its growth began.
El Castillo San Felipe is a substantial fort on the seafront, probably as protection from English pirates. The castillo is open to the public and has some abstract art in it, which we spent several minutes admiring (about my limit with abstract art). I’m sure that it would be a lovely space for music performances.
Castillo San Filipe , complete with toilet on the wall
Westward from the castillo there is a very pretty promenade and beaches with black sand and palm trees, which give it a very exotic feel. Unfortunately there are lots of signs saying don’t swim because the water is polluted with sewage. It’s a familiar problem to people who live by the Thames. There were plenty of people sunbathing and playing volleyball, and some of them braved the sea to play in the surf ‘n shit.
We found a cafe and had the meal deal of the day, sardines and potatoes with the typical orange and green sauces that they always serve here. They both taste the same to me and are inferior, IMHO, to HP sauce or ketchup. I must bring some next time, I might steal some sachets from Spoons next time I go.
At the end of the beach is Loro Parque, the zoo which is Tenerife’s No.1 attraction. Almost every bus and litter bin advertise the zoo, you can’t escape it. We’ve been twice before and it’s really good, but as a good Guardian reader I feel guilty about it. I felt even worse when I read the Wikipedia page which describes the treatment of its Orcas.
Close to Loro Parque there is a picturesque part of town called Punta Brava that is built right on the shore, the sea must be very noisy in a storm.
Punta Brava
On the way back I booked a table at a restaurant called the Tropical in the town centre, and went back to the flat to chill (and write up my diary).
On returning to the restaurant later in the evening they had lost my booking, the utter utter bastards. So we went to another 50 yards away which was very good. A busker parked himself nearby and played Stairway to Heaven and Wish You Were Here, so I generously put a Euro in his hat. I have always been a patron to The Arts.
Walking back up the sea front the full moon lit up the rocky shore, (and so did an annoying street light). The moon is the white blob at the top.
Seafront with Full Moon and Palm Trees
By the way I let an AI in WordPress generate the title for the blog. They are taking over!
The north of Tenerife is a green and mountainous region, ideal for a winter holiday
Tenerife
January 2020
Tenerife, brown in the south, green in the north
Tenerife is the biggest island in the Canaries, a group of Spanish islands off the coast of Morocco in the Atlantic ocean. It is a volcanic island with an area of almost 800 square miles and a population of about about 900,00. In the centre of the island is a huge volcano called Mount Teide, which is 3,718 metres tall and is the highest mountain in Spain.
We went there because the Canaries are just about the only place you can fly to by EasyJet in January where it is warm, about 20 degrees centigrade on the coast.
Puerta de La Cruz
We chose to stay in Puerta de La Cruz in the north of the island because it is in the most verdant part of the island and there are plenty of places to visit close by. The south of the island is a desert, both physically and culturally. The south is sunshine and beaches and a Full English for breakfast. The north is sunshine, beaches, old towns and mountainous forests.
It takes about an hour to get there on the motorway from the airport in the south of the island. There is an airport in the north, but British airlines don’t fly there directly.
Puerta de la Cruz (I’ll refer to it as Puerta) is a very touristy town with a huge number of hotels and blocks of flats, but it does have a historic town centre and harbour. It’s easy to get La Laguna, Santa Cruz, La Oratava and Garachico by car or bus, so its central for all the northern towns. Loro Parque is in Puerto as well, which is the biggest single tourist attraction on the island.
We booked an Airbnb in the La Paz district which looked good on the map, near the city centre and close to the sea. In reality it was a thirty minute walk from the town centre, up a big hill, but it did have sea views. But there were plenty of restaurants and a supermarket close by, if we didn’t fancy the hike into town.
Puerto is very popular with German tourists, so if you enjoy Curry Wurst and lager, it’s an ideal destination. There are endless pizza restaurants, and plenty selling local Canarian and Spanish food. The local Dorada beer is really good and washes down fresh sardines very nicely.
Flats by our unused pool
Our flat had a sunny patio at the front and a shared pool which I didn’t use (but I should have). Unfortunately it was above a noisy cafe, where people were enjoying themselves very noisily, the bastards!
On the seafront there is Lago Martianez, which is an attractive group of seawater pools that I’m sure is lovely to lounge around if the weather is hot enough, but it was very gloomy and windy when we visited it.
Puerto seafront on a baaad day with waves battering the Lago Martinez
There is a small harbour (which was once the most important port on the island), and the main square, Plaza del Charco is close by which has many restaurants and bars.
Puerta has lots of flats, lots and lots
Botanic Gardens
The Jardin Botanico is a beautiful oasis amongst all the blocks of holiday flats. It was founded in 1788 on the orders of King Carlos III to provide a place to cultivate species from the tropics. It’s small compared to Kew, but you can easily spend a couple of hours wandering around the neat paths which are roughly in a grid pattern.
I did wonder if visitors under sixty were barred at the gate by security men from Saga, but was pleased to see two young fellas looking at a palm tree with genuine interest.
Lord Howe Fig with adventitious roots
The most spectacular tree is a mighty fig from Lord Howe island in Australia. It has adventitious roots (remember that word for a pub quiz) growing down from the boughs, which take take root in the ground and become extra trunks to support the weight of the tree.
There are some magnificent Norfolk Island Pines, which I have never seen taller than twenty feet in other parks. The pines I saw in the Jardin had trunks four feet in diameter and I couldn’t see the top, real monsters! I get strangely excited about big trees, it is kind of wierd.
As well as amazing trees there are many palms, yuccas, streletzias and figs. But there was no cafe! What kind of public garden has no cafe? All the English visitors were is a state of shock and semi-starvation looking for tea and cake. Perhaps Brexit isn’t a mistake after all.
Mount Teide from the Jardin Botanico
La Oratava
We attempted to walk up the hill to La Oratava from the Jardin, but soon discovered that there were no footpaths and it felt a bit dangerous sharing the road with busy traffic. So we took the 345 bus to La Oratava bus station, which took seven minutes, a much better way to travel.
La Oratava is one of the oldest settlements in Tenerife, the area was inhabited by the Guanches people before the Spanish arrived, who lived in simple stone homes and caves. It is a very pretty town, with many historic houses and civic buildings built on the slopes climbing towards Mount Teide. There are great views of the sea and Puerta de la Cruz below, which used to be the port of La Oratava.
Houses in La Oratava
The tourist information provided a very useful map that we used to find our way round the historic parts, which go back to the sixteenth century. The old houses have big wooden doors and carved wooden balcony’s in the typical Canarian style. There is a small Botanic garden behind the Ayuntamiento (the town hall), but the nearby Jardin Victoria is outstanding, a terraced garden that climbs up the slope with a Masonic Mausoleum at the top.
Victoria Gardens with attractive visitors
Near the Plaza de San Francisco some public laundry troughs have been restored. It’s close to an aqueduct which brought water down from the mountains. Next to it is the Molina de Chano, a mill which was powered by water but is now electrically driven. The mill produces Gofio, a flour made from toasted grains which was eaten by the Guanches and is still popular today.
Old laundry, Gofio mill and historic images of the aqueduct that supplied them with water
The streets of La Oratava are steep and cobbled, and the locals treat it as a rally course. It probably explains why we saw no English tourists on mobility scooters.
I would highly recommend La Oratava, there is a lot to see, and many great bars and cafes and surprisingly few tourists.
Scenic Drive Through Tenerife
A blogger said that one of the best drives on the island was from El Portillo to La Laguna, so we gave it a try. Julie drove the rented Polo and I navigated i.e. I did what Google told me to do.
Stick to the TF 21
Our route was the TF21, which goes through La Oratava and then goes wiggly wiggly up the lower slopes of Mount Teide. It was incredibly windy, and Google took us up a stupidly steep hill (Camino La Canadas to be exact) to cut off a bend on the T21 to save a few miles. It was one of those “Oh Shit!” moments when we hoped nothing was coming down the hill. We crawled up it in first gear to rejoin the main road at the top. Google was sent to her room for being naughty, and after that, and we just used the map, old style.
We stopped at a cafe near Aguamansa for a coffee and met two cyclists from Hereford who were cycling from the sea up to the cable car, which at about 7,000 feet up. Nutters.
View of Puerta from the TF 21 raod
Once we were above the tree line (and the clouds) the landscape looked like a desert with scrubby vegetation. Further up it looked like the surface of Mars and I expected to see Matt Damon struggling in his space suit trying to get home. Raquel Welch encountered stop-motion dinosaurs here is the classic sixties SF movie “One Million Year BC”.
One of these people is me, one is Matt Damon and the other is Raquel Welch – work it out
The area surrounding Mount Teide (it rhymes with Lady) is the caldera of a previous massive volcanic eruption, it is very other-worldly.
Look out for dinosaurs!
At La Portillo there is an excellent visitors centre with a “Botanic Garden” which is a series of paths between small hills of basalt and ash planted with all the local plants. It was beautifully sunny , there was no wind and not a sound to be heard, perfect silence. In the visitors centre there is a small museum about volcanoes and a film about the volcanic origins of Tenerife.
The botanic gardens at El Portillo
Further along the TF21 is Los Roques, which are big pinnacles standing up above the pumice plain surrounding Teide. There is also a Parador with a cafe and toilets, the only ones for miles around!
Martian landscape and two Martians
Clouds pouring over the mountains
The landscape is quite remarkable, with Teide towering up another fifteen hundred metres, with the cable car hanging onto the side of it. The rim of the caldera creates a circles of jagged hills surrounding Mount Teide. The clouds blowing from the east poured over the top of them into the caldera, it was so beautiful.
Cyclist at the Parador, he may have had devine assistance
The landscape is amazing, awesome and all that stuff, I was blown away by it’s magnificence. Cyclists take a perverse please in cycling up the mountain from the sea. It takes about four hours going up, and I’m sure the going down is much quicker!
We drove back to El Portillo and took the TF24 towards La Laguna along the high spine of Tenerife. I passed the astronomical observatory with eleven different telescopes at about two thousand three hundred metres, with mostly clear skys.
Did you know that Brain May from Queen wants his ashes to be scattered there? True fact, you can Google it.
Brian May’s last resting place. Once he has died of course.
The views from the TF24 are supposed to be excellent both sides of the island, but all we saw was clouds below us. But it is a lovely winding road through pine and eucalyptus forests gradually down to La Laguna and the TF5 motorway back to Puerto de La Cruz.
On the FT 5 on the way pack to Puerto, a para-glider flew over the motorway.Fortunately he didn’t hit the lamp post or the pine tree!
Loro Parque
According to TripAdvisor, Lord Parque is the No. 1 zoo in the world, which is quite a recommendation. It is also advertised on most of the buses and litter bins in Puerto, so it is a very big deal.
It was pricey to get in at 39 Euros, but we stayed there for over six hours and had a wonderful time!
Loro Parque means parrot park in Spanish, and there is a huge collection of them in cages and an huge aviary with an aerial walkway in which you can get close to the birds at feeding time. There is also a great collection of other creatures in a relatively compact area. It is beautifully landscaped and well maintained, with plenty of cafes with reasonably priced food and drink (which was a pleasant surprise).
King Penguins, Flamingos, Parrots and an Egret
Giant Anteater, part-broom, part-vacuum cleaner
We made the most of the day and saw the Orca Show, the Parrot Show, the Dolphin Show and the Sealion Show, which were all good fun. The most lively performers were the leaping dolphins, but the Orcas made the biggest splash, soaking the people in the front rows. The big mammals and reptiles mostly just sat there and slept or watched us watching them. The Giant Anteater was very lively, and took the prize as the most bizarre looking creature.
Sea Lions, Sleeply Lion, Capybara, Shark, Coral being cultivated and Garden Eels
Penquin World, above and below water
Most zoos have a concrete pond painted white for the penguins. Loro Parque had a huge indoor environment for its collection with constant “Snow” falling from the ceiling and a slow travelator that took you around the enclosure, it was very clever. It was also very whiffy, you could smell the penguins fishy pong before getting into the enclosure.
The most impressive area for me was the huge aviary with a treetop walkway. We arrived at feeding time and saw parrots, cockatoos and egrets close up eating their rations of vegetables and seeds. They are very colourful and vocal, it was great getting so close up to them.
There is also an amazing aquarium with a tunnel beneath a tank of sharks, rays and groupers, it was like diving without all the annoying scuba business!
Loro Parque did live up to its reputation, and it was the best zoo I have been to. I understand all the ethical reasons for not having zoos, but I did enjoy it and felt slightly bad at the same time. But I have now seen Sea Lions, Penguins, Dolphins, Tortoises, Parrots, Orcas and Iguanas, so I don’t have to fly to the Galapagos. Think of all the air miles I am saving, I’m sure Greta Thunberg is proud of me.
On our way back home we had some fish for dinner, followed by churros and hot chocolate at Churreria Perdomo. Churros are doughnut mixture extruded into hot oil to make long crisp cakey things. Fattening and delicious, ‘Food of the Gods!’
Mmm churros…
Anaga Park
In the north west corner of Tenerife is the Anaga Park, a wild region of forested mountains almost a thousand metres high. The TF 12 road from La Laguna to the Visitor Centre at Cruz de Carmen is very windy and narrow. Passing the big tour coaches on the narrow road is quite nerve-wracking, but it’s worth the drive.
There are many different walks you can take from Cruz de Carmen, and we chose a five kilometre hike through the forest. The type of forest is called Laurisilva, an ecosystem that covered large parts of Europe before the Ice Ages, but now only found in fragments in Madeira and the Canaries. It’s a type of cloud forest of evergreen trees like laurels and heathers which grow to tree-size. It’s unusual and very cool, in both senses of the word!
Laurisilva forest
There are several Miradors in the area, view-points with parking. Close to the visitor centre you can look out over La Laguna, and at Zapata you can see the sea on both sides of Tenerife. You can watch planes landing at the Northern Airport. This airport used to be called Los Rodeos, and was where five hundred and eighty three people were killed when two Boeing 747 aircraft collided in fog in 1977, which remains the worst crash in history.
Zapata Mirador – me and Julie with La Laguna in the distance
In the afternoon we drove down the mountain to Punta del Hidalgo on the north coast. It is best know for its modern lighthouse which is fifty metres tall and finished in 1992. The town itself is mostly holiday flats overlooking a rocky coast. There is a hiking trail from the coast all the way up to Cruz de Carmen.
There are a few restaurants on the sea front, and we parked ourselves in the sunshine for some beer (me) and Coke (Julie who was driving) and fresh sardines with wrinkly potatoes. Bliss.
Santa Cruz
There’s a line in “Withnail and I” from Richard E. Grant who pathetically exclaims, ‘We’ve gone on holiday by mistake”. I wanted to say that when we went to Santa Cruz, the capital of Tenerife instead of La Laguna.
It was a bit of an omnishambles day. The bus to La Laguna was late and full, so we stood all the way. The bus stopped at La Laguna tram station, but we didn’t realise where we were, so had an unplanned visit to Santa Cruz instead.
Brad Pitt’s helmet/concert hall
The capital has all the charm of Croydon on a wet Sunday. On the sea front is an enormous concert hall that looks like a Greek helmet, not a practical design I would imagine. I suspect the architect thought Brad Pitt looked rather cute in his helmet in “ Troy” and then fitted an auditorium into his concept.
Brad Pitt’s helmet (fnaar fnaar)
Next to the helmet concert hall is another set of lakes designed by Cesar Manrique, like the ones at Puerto. They would be lovely on a summers day, but it wasn’t sunny or warm when we were there. It was the only day I wore shorts, and it was bloody cloudy.
I was sulking a bit on that day, can you tell?
We wandered aimlessly until we found a pretty street (possibly the only one) with some restaurants in it. Bonvieda had lots of people and an interesting menu so we plonked ourselves down there and hoped for the best.
Iberian Secret and me waiting for dinner, being a bit sulky
Maybe it just secretes in that region when it’s hot
An item on the menu stood out, Iberian Secret. Google gave a description as “armpit of a pig” which appealed to me. The delightful waiter recommended it, so I went for it. It was short strips of grilled pork on a bed of sauteed potatoes and apple, and it was unusual and quite tasty.
In a slight food coma after dinner, we went round the Museum of Nature and Man, which was all in Spanish and a bit underwhelming. It covers the natural history of the island and its archeology. The inhabitants of Tenerife before the Spanish arrived were the Guanches, who are thought to be related to Berbers. Inevitably the invaders killed them all, and the museum displays their pottery and mummified remains, which are quite gruesome. Not recommended after an Iberian Secret.
La Laguna
Having exhausted the limited delights of Santa Cruz we took the bus up the hill to La Laguna, the oldest town in Tenerife. It is set out on a grid of streets which they probably copied from Milton Keynes some time in the 16th century. There are lots of old buildings and bars, but on an overcast Sunday afternoon it wasn’t exactly hopping with Latin joy and exuberance.
Multi-Coloured Cropped Shops in La Laguna
There are many colourful old buildings to enjoy, but I think our day had already peaked with Pigs Armpit.
Garachico
A thirty minute drive to the west of Puerto de la Cruz is Garachico. We got there early (10.20 am), before it started to fill up with coach tours and still retained its charm.
It is a very pretty small town on the coast which was once the most important port in Tenerife, shipping out sweet Malmsey wine to Europe and America. But on May 5th 1706 the Trevejo volcano erupted and poured lava into the harbour completely filling it and destroying its trade. Mostly the shipping moved to Puerto de la Cruz, and Garachico lost it’s leading role. The old gate to the port has been excavated and stands in a small but very pretty park. The old castle protecting the harbour was missed by the lava flow and still stands protecting the sunbathing area from pirate attacks.
Castle, storm damage in 2018, the old port gate and an illustration of the eruption
There is a lovely central square with a church and some grand buildings and cafes. The are some pretty narrow streets, and a seafront with seawater bathing and places to sun bathe. The town was bashed around a bit by storms a couple of years ago, but has recovered now.
I left my heart, in Garachico
A few hundred metres up a hill to the west of the centre, is a look-out point with an unusual statue of a man carrying a suitcase and a hole in his chest. It is said to represent one of the many emigrant who left Garachico for Venezuala and left their hearts behind.
A Good Place for a Winter Holiday
We had a very good time in Tenerife for a week. Being ancient, we didn’t really sample the night life, but I’m sure there was plenty to do in Puerto at night. I took my Chromecast with me so settled on the sofa in the evening with Netflix, beer and snacks.
There are loads of things to do for a week in January. The weather isn’t really hot, but there were plenty of sunbathers on the beaches and even a few people swimming.
Best of all you can fly from Gatwick in the morning when it’s literally freezing, and be in warm sunshine just after lunch in Tenerife.
timharnesstravels 